Just discovered affair please help

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry you are hurting. I know it's a crummy sitch to be in. But your h may have to simply wake up and smell the coffee before he can face what he has to face.

Or he won't....prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

Face this yourself and maybe he'll begin to.

If you pretend all is well when it isn't, in time his behavior WILL repeat itself.

You are stronger than you think.

Well, I loved your ideas thank you so much! My H on the other hand wasn't quite so keen!

This response^^^ may be your answer...

You want clarity from him so You'll have clarity in Your choices. I mean,

Given the givens, that's what you need, right?

So Look at his actions, (or lack thereof.) Maybe he is being clear.

In his ACTIONS..

I want to slightly edit how you said the below comments. See if it helps YOU be More Clear & assertive, and less wishy washy sounding. Project clarity even if you don't yet feel it.

So, I said to him I've been thinking of a few things that would maybe help me feel that I told him what to do to show me he is serious about how much he loves me and wants to work things out....

his response to writing OW a no contact letter? he kind of snorted and said "be a bit difficult when I don't know how to contact her" (he doesn't know it but I know her email - I haven't used it but of course when/if he wrote such a letter we could email it but I thought it best not to divulge that I know it at this stage!)

I agree you should not reveal your sources of info. But again, look at HIS reaction.

He is happy to go to MC although doesn't see how talking to anyone can help.



"Talking" isn't what will help.

Clarifying YOUR needs and HIS CHOICES- to do or not to do...will help.

So he IS willing to go, but you want to know why. (Don't ask him that, just discuss it here Or with the mc).

Is it So he can check it off the "I tried" list? OR b/c he thinks he can snow you there?
OR
b/c he thinks it might help diffuse things...OR all of these?

IDK if it matters why, IF he finally truly HEARS YOU, and

sees that You are the aggrieved party, not him.

He is the one who needs to begin the work of restoring your trust so that
you can do the "real" work of getting past this and forgiving.
..


the STD tests he raised his eye brows, tutted and snorted all at once!! - that was the only response I got - when I asked why he reacted like that he said "I haven't slept with anyone so why do I need tests?"

"why? B/C I don't trust you enough to be intimate, but I would like to" (if that's how you feel).

For me, (and maybe just me), I am not as concerned about STDs as some. I base that on whether the possible OW is a total skank ho or in a monogamous r, (well, not that monogamous I suppose, but you take my point)

and also what sexual habits you & H practice.

I also said I would like to change the password of his email account so that he can only access it with me present - he was not a happy bunny at all!! says I'm being sneaky and how can I call him for lying to me when I'm doing things like this!!!!

He's projecting. Not a good sign.

He has to either do the work, or shut up & stop pretending he's in the marriage.

So....I don't know - I feel so lonely and empty and to be honest he doesn't seem to me like he can be bothered to fix this.

He's either just Not into doing the work, AND OR

he's being like a suddenly caught child who still insists "it wasn't ME!"

when he's the only kid in the room with the broken vase.

Either way,

you can tell him in MC what you need and

IF YOU ARE PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER YOU LEAST WANT - (i.e., that when it comes right down to it, he's done, b/c HE won't work on things,)

then give him the ultimatum.

Know that ultimatums are dangerous things when you are not ready for them to make the choice you don't want.

OTOH, a clearly given ultimatum can give YOU clarity.

Given the givens, Clarity is what you need & want most now, correct?



If you decide to give him the boot,

it doesn't mean he won't then snap out of things and do the work. That could happen.

In fact, IF there's a way to save this marriage, the only way to get what YOU need to make this m to work, is HIM doing the work to make you feel safe enough to let him back into your heart and the marriage.

How else can it happen?
You cannot go on like THIS (who could?) SO really,

what choice do you have? Short term solutions are NOT solutions.

Ignoring it won't work. Letting him off too easily will also fail in the long run.

I am NOT referring to any punitive measures.

I'm big on Keeping the Road Home, Paved and Smooth.

But your sitch is one in which you'll find yourself again & again,

IF YOU are Not clear and strong now, about Unacceptable behavior in a m.


Still, you must work on YOU, no matter what course of action HE chooses.

HE is irrelevant to THAT work, and I hope you see that.

Self improvement is a cliche lightly tossed about. But it's the best thing about DBing

b/c genuinely working on ourselves, is the KEY TO OUR HAPPINESS.

Not them...US...

make sense?