Sitting here in the airport. Been all over the place the past 48 hrs. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a planner. It doesn't fit in very well with my sitch.
MHL posted this on someone's thread and it has me thinking.
"It may be hard to do but try for a minute to put yourself in her shoes.........really do it, imagine wanting to divorce her. Would you want to be around her??? Would you want to go to look at apartments, or fix a roof with her, would you care what she did???
You may not like the way she "feels" but once you understand her "feelings" then you will be able to detach a little better."
If I answer honestly.. I would have a hard time being around her. In fact, I remember when I walked away from a previous relationship how hard it was to talk about to my ex. I was tired and angry of the way I was treated. In my mind I was done.
So I guess I can relate to some of what w is feeling. So now that I know... how can I detach? Because when I hear stuff like this, I just feel so much compassion for her, so much love for her. It makes me want to keep trying and hanging on.. but I'm soo trying to be realistic of my situation.
Per my w's actions - she does not care if her decisions HURT my feelings. She has said she doesn't even think how things impact me.
Per my w's actions - she does not care about any promises made before we separated or even two wks ago.
Per my w's actions - she does not want me in her life. Does not make any attempt to be part of my life other than a FB comment here or there.
Per m w's actions - She has not contacted me in a friendly way since I protected myself with the bank account/found a hickey on her neck.
Per my w's actions - Anytime I mention anything about GAL, she says she's happy but not without cutting me in some way.
Per my w's actions - Her word means nothing to her.
Per my w's actions - She wants the divorce, but having conversations about it brings up anger for her. In fact, she can't even answer emails in regards to D. I feel like I'm doing ALL the work!
When I read this.. I'm kinda like F@ck it then. That allows me to detach.. however every time I see a post about forgiveness and grace, every time I see a DB post about a s responding positively.. I hang on.
I'm not even sure I want a m with her. There are alot of parts of me that is WAW especially when it comes to the abuse part. However, I never wanted S and d do go down this ugly path. I realize that I can only control me.. but damm I wish I could control her too! I know I can't.. just being honest with myself.
In some ways.. what I want is to Divorce, heal, and see if the good Lord thinks we should be in each other's lives when I'm healthy. To trust him and stop all of this. Work on myself and not worry about how w will perceive actions. Stop trying to figure out why she is acting this way towards me.
Urgh.. can I get off the rollercoaster please... how do I let go of the d@mn rope??!?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
