Last night W was nice. Both S and D had soccer games at the same time on adjoining fields. Rather than sit with her mom and watch son's game, she sat with me between both fields so we could watch both games.
She had been planning a gambling outing with her mom after soccer, but they bagged it. I had already planned to go to the outdoor free concert with kids - which we did - I offered if W and MIL wanted to join, but MIL did not want to.
When we got home last night, W was in a good mood after going out to a restaurant and drinking with her mom.
I noticed that a pic of the four of us (me, W, S, D) at a baseball game - the only family pic that was on our picture tree in the downstairs hallway was now gone. I went upstairs and asked "Where's the picture of us at the game?" She said "I took it down." I said "Where is it?" She said "In a drawer." I said "Why?" Then the kids came in and she said "I'll tell you later."
Well - I don't like the sound of that! That along with how happy she was acting almost sounds like she's reached a 'peaceful place' where she's likely going to end things. That's my interpretation anyway - WHICH I KNOW IS SOMETHING I SHOULD NOT DO!
Anyway - she got in the shower and I went to bed. I decided to just turn off the light and roll over. Didn't really want to hear what her reasons were for putting the recent pic of the family having fun together out of sight. Probably a cowardly move - maybe I'd be better off hearing the reason, regardless of what it is. For now I just plan to drop it.
She's in a good mood this morning too. Even talking to me - sharing something funny from a Facebook friend. I'm feeling REALLY weird at this point.
Also - we had been thinking about getting her a new car, but she said now she just thinks she'll get new tires and do the maintenance on her current car - which to me sounds like she doesn't want to make the additional commitment so she's better positioned for 'exit'.
As for the listening stuff - YES - keeping some attention 'within my body' is a technique to help with listening. I should have clarified that. In 'The Power of Now' the book talks about using that focus and 'listening with your whole body'. That's what I meant.
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
You are starting to recognize your conclusions and interpretations of every little thing......but you still have a long way to go.
The picture thing........why did you need to say anything at all.
I hope you realize that was a mistake.........it sparked a fear in you and you reacted........and then you were worried about it.
This behavior has to stop ASAP, you are practically pushing her out the door yourself.
It is good that she sat with you at the soccer game......now you need to have 99 other interactions like that before anything else can happen.......sound like alot......GOOD, because that is how long it is going to take.
Your EXPECTATIONS and your FEAR are Driving YOU......
They have a death grip on you......
Look she is still in the house and you are sleeping in the same bed........it is good in fact it is great if you read other sitches.........the problem is that you are not detached.
Unfortunately most LBS's have to absolute push their WAS out the door and be separated before they can start to look at themselves because they cannot handle the proximity to their spouse while they are like this.
Think of your wife as a friend/roommate for now and when I say for now, I mean for a long time.....maybe 6 months to a year.
You need to detach from her and focus on you.
I have not read that book but it sounds like you are saying that you need to listen better.
Make sure you are wanting to be a better listener for YOU not to make you marriage better.
Make sense???
Hope this helps.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Very nice day yesterday with all the soccer games. W, MIL, D and me went to lunch together. W and I volunteered together last night - got along great. Last night we went to bed together - she got in bed first on her side and was sitting up watching tv leaving my side totally open for me.
Then this morning I mention that I wanted to play poker in our neighborhood with a group of guys consisting mainly of the husbands of her group of 'Pokeeno friends'.
She starts getting pretty crappy with me after that and I ask her what's wrong. She goes off on me saying "I told you to get your OWN group of friends. If we get divorced I do not want you hanging around those people. I feel like you're stalking me." She was also pissed because her EA guy was maybe going to be there too and she's pissed saying "You said I can't be friends with him, well I'll be damned if YOU'RE going to be friends with him! You told him not to contact me."
That was an interesting turn...I told her that I did talk to him, but we didn't get into the details of the conversation. When I did confront him, he apologized and said "I'll tell her we can't have contact anymore." I told him "No, I do NOT want to be dictating that. If she has that conversation with you - great. But I really don't want you to initiate a 'cut off' as any type of directive from me."
I told W that.
She was complaining about how good a friend he was. Sure, he IS a great guy. BUT - it was OBVIOUS from their calling pattern that HE was filling an EMOTIONAL CONNECTION NEED for her. I told her friends was fine, but there is such a thing as an EA, that I'm not making this up, that there are books written about it. She scoffed at the idea - of course whenever I refer to anything that is FACT and IN A BOOK she ridicules me.
She said "If you're going to play poker with those guys I'm calling every divorce attorney in town."
Got home and she's back to pissed and stand-offish with me.
I just don't get it. I really don't. I want to turn this day around to try to end on a positive. How the hell do I do that? She's dropping MIL off at airport now and we'll be at D's soccer game in about an hour.
This is SO frustrating. I thought playing poker with these guys would be a great chance to get a break from each other and she's totally trying to control my interactions with any guys who are husbands of her friends.
Most of our kids play sports together - it's like 'Who the hell else am I supposed to be friends with?!'
She keeps saying "Why can't you make friends with people from your work?" My office has 12 employees and 7-8 of them work at client sites most of the time. She's giving me a pool of 5-6 people that I can be friends with?!?!?!
Crap - I need to 'save' today, please help!
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
You have every right to be friends and hang out with whomever you choose... just like she does...
I understand that you want to "fix" the day and smooth it over...
The only BIG question here is, Why do you want to integrate into the "poker boys" group? And whatever your answer... just check it against any underlying, unconscious hope that you can keep tabs on your W through these people, or that you can manipulate your W through them...
If she would really D you because of the friends you choose... what does that say to you?
a) You shouldn't be asking your wife permission about how you play poker with, and
b) You shouldn't be trying to "make" a day a positive, other than by fulfilling your OWN goals and GAL stuff. This supplicating behavior of yours, I guarantee, is UNATTRACTIVE to your wife, and you're coming across as WEAK.
c) So you go to the controversial trouble of confronting the OM (and reasonable people do disagree about this tactic, but it's got its pitfalls in terms of fallout) . . . but then you go to great lengths to tell him that you're NOT telling him what to do, and you try to reassure your wife of that very same thing??? WTF???
If you feel it's "The Right Thing to Do" to tell this predator to stay away from your wife, then do it -- but OWN it, both to him and to her. And if you feel like having some diversion and playing poker with this group of guys is something that would be fun for you (and assuming no ulterior motives, as KD warns), then do it -- and OWN it.
Stop trying to placate your wife, and focus on YOURSELF.
I get it - I really shouldn't hang out with this guy if I can avoid it. I'll tell you though, I really believe he's innocent in the whole thing.
Both W and EA guy said that EA guy kept asking W if I knew they were talking and W lied and told him yeah. He said she characterized our R as I didn't love her. Maybe I could see how she could have thought that, but I made it clear to him that was not the case and he was actually pretty supportive and helpful to ME during our discussions.
He's divorced and told my W his biggest regret in life was that his M ended and he was encouraging her to stick with it.
Honestly, based on input from my other friend - I believe he's not an 'active' threat. I'm sure he's still a 'passive' threat in that W was getting some emotional need filled through her interactions with him.
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
and just echo what MHL said.