Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am feeling anxious and impatient lately, as anyone that reads what I write probably has figured out.
So instead of requesting a meeting and pouring out my frustration at my STBX, I am going to write what I'm thinking here.

Dear STBX,
I feel tired, frustrated and "done".

We have been separated two years. In that two years I have read over 30 books on relationships, uncounted articles, worked and am still working a program of self improvement to address my issues, and had individual counseling. I am employed and take care of our children.

I am happy with the changes in myself I see, I intend to continue to grow and change for the better and pass the benefits on to our kids and the people whom I love and care for.
Which brings me to this; I believed you were my best friend, my rock, someone I could rely on.

I now know ultimately the only person I can rely upon is me. The only source of power I can draw upon is God.

I loved you with all my heart and being. I still care deeply about you, but it's clear to me that that the love and affection is not reciprocal.

I know I'm not perfect, I know I've hurt you. I sometimes believe just who I am hurts you. I have apologised the best way I know how for all ( to the best of my knowledge) my actions or inactions that have hurt or diminished you. There is nothing more I can do that I have not done or am doing.

I realise that I am worthy of love. I dont NEED validation from you. I really want it, but I'll be just fine if it doesn't happen.

I love myself and who I am still becoming.

I want somoene that will love me as I am, for who I am, flawed as I am, in all the ways a wife is supposed to be wanted, and isn't just tolerating minimal contact with me for the sake of our children.

If your choice is that you no longer wish to share my life, love and cherish me, then my husband that's your loss.

All the best to you,

Your (still) wife