Short update: I'm happy and relieved to say it's been a pretty good summer. I'll resist the tempation to claim any great success, but at least W seems less enthralled with boss/OM. There have been fewer work trips or after hours events and when they do arise I have been able to handle them pretty well. My impression is that the EA may have, for now, stopped just short of a PA. Or if there was one, it seems to have passed. I may never know. Things between us seem better, like we're rebuilding. For me personally, I seem to have found some peace. I don't have trouble sleeping like I did. I gained back the weight I lost - which is a good thing in my case. I'm more productive at work too. Perhaps the best thing is that I'm more assertive in asking for what I need, or objecting to things, instead of going along and allowing resentment to build. I'm hoping to stay this way through the fall - which has been the tough time in the past - and trying really hard not to fall back into old habitats or forget what I've learned. And, to be honest, it would help a lot if W stayed away from her boss, more or less. if you don't hear from me as often I'm still around and checking in. Thanks everyone for your support - this site is awesome!
You sound so much better. I'm sure it shows in your attitude at home & work.
I hope you will continue to stick around. You could be helpful to others and it might be a tool to "remind" you not to fall into old habits.
The one thing that seems to be the main problem for "returning" DBers, is that they fell back into their old ways. Don't let yourself be added to that list.
(hugs)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'll be around. Seems last fall was tough, as interactions between W and boss increased and work got busiest. That'll be a test, and I'll need the reminders.
I won't say that I'm glad to have gone through all this - who would, given the choice? - but I definately learned some important lessons, and I'm a stronger father and husband for it.
Had a few rough days - a long trip with kids and impending fall semester left me tired and stressed. W having more interaction with boss as school approaches. Made it hard to work with W on a project at work, and started to get crabby. Realizing that the fall has always been a rougher time for us and trying to prepare for that. Worried that what has been a good summer is about to come to an end. Then, saw 9s posts when I got back and feel so badly for him and his family. Thankful that he has so many people on the board that care about him though.
Well the vacation with the kids was pretty stressful and the looming school year too. Really effecting my outlook and interactions with W. Find myself angry about all the crazy scheduling we need to do just to get to work now. And it bothers me that she's unaffected by it. (Nothing as maddening as a happy, indifferent person, when you're upset) We keep taking these "vacations" in the hope of making family memories but they are more stressful than work and certainly don't bring us together.
Man, I really don't want to go through this again.
Wow. Felt really awful yesterday. All the old stuff. One stressful "vacation", a bunch more friendly communications from W to boss, and a couple days being in my Ws long shadow at work - and it's like I haven't learned a thing. It all affects me just the same as before. Well, I guess I learned enough to keep relatively quiet, keeping the damage to a minimum. Here's a question, sent out to the ether:
I've noticed over the years that people have one of two general reactions to stress and conflict - they either fight it, resist, come alive or withdraw, give up, and admit defeat. I don't think it's even a "decision". For me it seems like a physiological reaction. The former seems empowering. The other, which I get whenever interacting with W, is not. Once I had surgery on my finger and they gave me shot to numb it up, but didn't tell me that when doctors numb fingers and toes they have to also inject adrenalin to prevent the veins from closing off. Although there was nothing about the surgery that made me nervous - I was actually curious and asked to watch - the adrenalin made me tremble and feel sick. My heart was racing and I couldn't calm it down. It was a strange sensation, not having any control of your own heart rate. In conflict situations with my W I get the same sort of thing - I shut down more or less automatically. I see it coming.....the crowd turns toward her (she's cute, fun, and enjoys hanging with the guys) and it's like I'm blocked off. It's like this automatic switch. I used to a least have my workplace to escape this, but no more. It seems ridiculous to compete with my W, but there must be some way to keep from just giving up and walking away. I've found it nearly impossible to start new male friendships because my wife has, basically, beat me to it. But I can't really tell me wife to knock it off - well, actually, it's come up - but it's like telling a koala bear not to be cute.
I'm like to simply be strong and confident enough to ignore this, laugh it off. I like some of the taoist positions on this - remove the ego, be calm, wait it out - but my physiological reaction is simply to give up. And of course stress + lack of control (giving up) = anxiety and depression, right?
there must be something for this - I mean sports psychology is all about this.
I'll disappointed in myself that I'm back where I am. Starting to think this is really a personal flaw.
But can I handle it? Yes, if I have to.
I'm starting to make some adjustments, things that helped before. And I've been thinking about a job change - maybe a temporary reassignment to see how it goes. I think working together and having the same groups of coworkers and friends makes it impossible for me to get a degree of independence and separation - to have something of my own that gives me strength and happiness.
I think it's your W that has a personal flaw. There are women who like men and rather be with men than with other females, but that's b/c of their flirtatious interactions with the men. She may flirt and even have a crush on certain ones, but she really loves her H. Some women are what I call the Marilyn Monroe types. The men flock around her wherever she goes. She thrives on the attention of another man, or men in general. She is especially challenged by the "forbidden" who are M or she can't have for some other reason.
It must be awful for the H who is M to a woman like that. Look at Marilyn Monroe's life. You'd think she could have any man she wanted, even the President, but she couldn't keep a husband!
If this is truly the way your W is and if she's always been like that with men, then she may not change. I think she "could" change, if she wanted to bad enough. I still believe a woman should show respect toward her husband, no matter what her personality is like or how low her self-esteem may be. The question is....how are you going to deal with it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm not sure which category my W fits anymore - you remember my previous posts, so you have a general idea - but I sorta gave up trying to figure her out. I'm just tired. How will I deal with it? Hmmmm. Good question. Some days better than others, I suppose! Maybe that's M with kids at midlife.
