Maybe I am missing something...seriously b/c I don't get this.
She reaches out with some small talk and you, Denver resist the recall of the name (who cares if YOU remember them? Your dad knew them or they knew HIM.) And she IS reaching out. Why can't you be busy but polite and end the conversation like the rest of us did when they'd call or text?
I don't get it. THESE texts are not coming at midnight and they aren't mean or weird.
Folks, tell me how ignoring them helps.
I don't get it.
25, I agree with you. It only helps if he will be honest with her and tell her one more time........
W, I love and miss you and I want to save our marriage, we obviously get along and can be friendly. I know you are unsure and you are undecided......I accept that. Please know that because, I do love you and I do miss you and I want nothing more than to be married to you, it hurts me immensely that you are undecided about committing to work on us. Because it hurts I can not have casual contact with you.....it just hurts plain and simple. I am going to take some time and some space and give you the same.......if you decide that you want to commit to working on us then let me know and I will be glad to sit down and talk with you about what that would look like. Until that time please understand that I am not ignoring you I am just trying to avoid further pain.
They have short memories. Especially when you don't follow through with what you said you would do.
You may have thought you said all this before but, before you just ignore her (which may appear spiteful and petty) communicate what you have been given advice to communicate.
Then.
STFU.
Don't escape to OW.
Live in the space of silence and see what you feel, learn, endure, and what you truly are capable of.
Push through all the fear and come out the other side Denver.
What if
I feel:
Lonely?
rejected?
what is my life like without W?
What if I feel ___________!
What are you afraid of Denver?
What if you don't answer her next text AFTER you have communicated your position?
What if?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
My post you quoted was not meant to be a dig on you. It was to clarify that I felt some of the other posts may have been misinterpreted.
Based on your last update. I think you are doing well man.
We may disagree on the issue of OW. But that is not THE issue here.
Keep at it. Good to find your 'mojo.'. Regardless of it's source.
I know CS. I don't take any of the posts as 'digs'. I know that everyone is just trying to help me.
UPDATE...
W initiated text convo with me again today (Friday)... I'm going to edit much of it bc it is non-R talk... but fact that she contacted me is probably important.
W: "I sang at the yyyy wedding last weekend. They are from Pueblo and knew your family." (Pueblo is my hometown)
Me: "hmmm... the last name doesn't sound familiar."
W: "Sorry. Their last name was xxxx. Spoke to one of their dads. They are younger than us though."
Me: "Still doesn't sound familiar."
W: "hmmm the dad knew your family and Mike's. Knew about JJ too" (JJ was a friend of mine who died in car accident in July)
W: "They had italian cookies from Pueblo. That's how the conversation started." (W and I had italian cookies from pueblo at our wedding).
I did not reply to her last 2 text messages.
That's it.
Denver
Denver,
These are not about your kids, nor are they urgent. Why are you responding to them? I thought you were going dark, or at least dim?
And then -- to top it off -- you IGNORE the last few?
I'm afraid this is nothing but the EXACT SAME passive-aggressive behavior from you, and what several people were alluding to earlier about your texts with your wife.
Starsky
I believe I see this much like Starsky. I also see a pretty consistent thread running through the advice you've been receiving on this issue, Denver.
It seems to me most people agree with some version of 'I need some space, please let's limit contact to finances and kids' or, alternatively, and what I hear 25 saying, if she's going to contact you reasonably even if it's just to take your temperature, you have an opportunity to demonstrate some loving detachment and wind up the exchange with a quick 'Take care' that lets her know you intend to be polite and considerate but you're ending the conversation.
I think either approach would be preferable to responding and then just checking out. Seems a bit rude to me. I do know how challenging it is to walk the fine line though and it's just my opinion.
You can go back to where you were as easy as 1-2-3. But is that what you want?
My thoughts exactly.
My thoughts exactly as well. And not what I want... or what I will accept at this point... at all.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I believe I see this much like Starsky. I also see a pretty consistent thread running through the advice you've been receiving on this issue, Denver.
It seems to me most people agree with some version of 'I need some space, please let's limit contact to finances and kids' or, alternatively, and what I hear 25 saying, if she's going to contact you reasonably even if it's just to take your temperature, you have an opportunity to demonstrate some loving detachment and wind up the exchange with a quick 'Take care' that lets her know you intend to be polite and considerate but you're ending the conversation.
I think either approach would be preferable to responding and then just checking out. Seems a bit rude to me. I do know how challenging it is to walk the fine line though and it's just my opinion.
I agree. I will clean it up in one of those two ways. I haven't decided on which. Thanks Dantes, Starsky, CS, 25, MHL, and Gritter....
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Decided to go to the concert of a local band the Samples tonight. Coolest Colorado band ever btw. OW could not leave when I wanted to because she was playing golf, so I decided to go alone.
Because I was going alone, I decided to post on FB that I was going and asking any of my friends to let me know if they were going to be there.
The Samples is a band that W and I both like. W actually performed with the lead singer, Sean Kelly, at a smaller venue that we attended last summer. We had planned on hiring him to perform at a party at our house late last summer before our problems got really bad. It ended up not happening.
About 2 minutes after I posted on FB that I was going to the concert, W initiated text convo.
W: "You s*ck. Have fun at the Samples show."
Me: "Why do I s*ck??"
W: "Cause you saw they had a show first. I was just kidding. Saw your FB post. Have fun. Say hi to Sean."
Me: "Ok"
-----------
W's continued insistence on contacting me has definitely affected the progress that I had made with detaching. Admittedly, it has also affected my interest in OW.
I admit that I wanted so badly to tell W that I was going alone and to ask her to go with me (she did not know, nor could she tell from my FB post who I was going with, if anyone)... .
I didn't of course.
I can't be drawn back into the same situation as I have been in with her over the past 5+ months. I simply can't allow that to happen.
Anyway...
A song written by Sean Kelly and performed by the Samples (the band that I saw tonight) struck me. One of their best songs... and one of the saddest songs that I know...
Guess this is how I feel tonight... and how I am increasingly becoming to feel...
Nothing Lasts for Long
"Take my hand And walk with me And tell me who you love And make a wish and you can see The first star from above
Ya ever feel so deep and lost Somewhere in the past? Is it wrong to not hold on if nothing ever lasts?
Maybe nothing lasts for ever Not the mountain or the sea But the times we have together They will always be with me
The sun is down and the wind is calm As it gently fades away I wonder then and I think of you And how nothing ever stays
Take my hand And walk with me And tell me who you love Make a wish and you can see The first star from above
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I believe I see this much like Starsky. I also see a pretty consistent thread running through the advice you've been receiving on this issue, Denver.
It seems to me most people agree with some version of 'I need some space, please let's limit contact to finances and kids' or, alternatively, and what I hear 25 saying, if she's going to contact you reasonably even if it's just to take your temperature, you have an opportunity to demonstrate some loving detachment and wind up the exchange with a quick 'Take care' that lets her know you intend to be polite and considerate but you're ending the conversation.
I think either approach would be preferable to responding and then just checking out. Seems a bit rude to me. I do know how challenging it is to walk the fine line though and it's just my opinion.
I agree. I will clean it up in one of those two ways. I haven't decided on which. Thanks Dantes, Starsky, CS, 25, MHL, and Gritter....
Denver
For the record, it's not that I don't think 25's way can work. It's that I don't think you can pull it off. NOT a knock, Denver -- just an observation. Because you're still very enmeshed with your wife, emotionally, and because she's so shrewd, I think she will very quickly learn to use any such exchanges as a means with which to draw you back into an R talk.
I of course could be wrong, but you have a pretty long observable track record now from which to gauge each method's likelihood of success.
