Apparently she's noticing. She's been telling our friend that "he's too late making these changes". What strikes me as funny, is that I haven't changed all that much. I've been this way for a long time. She's just hasn't been around to see it. She's convinced herself that I couldn't live without her and that she was my only source of happiness. What I'm realizing now, is that I'm not fearful anymore. She's always threatened to leave and I've been walking on egg shells for the last couple years. Once my worst fears came true, and she finally left, I feel like I can breathe again. I don't feel so suppressed anymore. I don't feel like I have this eye staring at me and judging my every move I make, every second, of every day. I feel free.
I'm not gonna say that I haven't made any changes at all. There's been plenty things that I have done wrong. I've been working on those changes diligently because I find I am happier doing these things. It feels good. I have stepped it up a few notches with the fatherhood thing. Not that I've been a bad dad. I just want to make sure my daughters feel some sort of stability during this transition. I have been playing with them more, taking them swimming, etc. It keeps my mind occupied as well as theirs. I figure if they see that daddy is okay, then maybe it's not as bad as it seems. I'm enjoying this extra time with them. It's fun and I don't want that to change.
Is it weird that I feel more peaceful then I have in years? This is probably the worst thing I have ever dealt with, and I hurt, but I feel like there's this underlying sense of happiness that I've never experienced before. I'm just making her sound awful. The truth is she's not the same person she was six months ago. A couple of her friends have noticed she's changed a lot since she started taking Adderall. I'm not trying to make excuses or justify myself. I know what I have done and I own up to all of it. Maybe if I wouldn't have cowered down every time she threatened to leave, but instead stood up and been who I really am, we wouldn't be in this mess.
I'm beginning to think that I'm better off without her. The thing is that I still love her. I don't like the person who she has become. Maybe it has something to do with the medicine. Maybe she needs to figure out who she really is. I don't know. It's not my problem at this point...but, I do pray that her and I will make the changes we need to make and get back together. I want this to work. Most of all I just want her to be happy...with our without me. I can't worry about that now. I have to focus on myself and what changes I need to make. No matter what happens, I like me.
