Psych77, your thoughts definitely did help and you worded them perfectly. I read your post many times and I can definitely see some of my H in many of the behaviours you shared.
For instance, based on what my H has told me and knowing what I do about his past, I do know that he struggles with anger, but at the same time avoids conflict until he explodes. This is when he usually says horrible things or threatens to leave. Even when he doesn't do that, I always get the feeling that he cannot be wrong, or that he's in it to win it so to speak. Other times, he simply stops talking to me for days, sometimes weeks. Admittedly over the years I resorted to this tactic as well. It used to scare me when he would give me the silent treatment (my mother did this to me as a child) but eventually it began to make me very angry and so I would ignore him when he ignored me. I knew it was wrong but it became a self-protection mechanism for me. I felt less out of control and abused when I ignored him for ignoring me. Not sure that makes sense though.
Also, the commitment issue is something that came up while we were in MC many years ago. We saw more than one C and both said my H needed to recognize that having one foot out the door (by constantly threatening to leave) was damaging the trust in our relationship. One even asked him if he could name other areas of his life where he had fully committed to something... Aside from his job, he couldn't. I do think my H suffers from the grass is always greener mind set. Although, he hasn't actually left to find out if it is greener but I do think that until he does (or by some miracle recognizes this about himself), that this will probably just continue to happen.
Your thoughts on sex also resonated with me. My H is very eager to please me and he has said that ML makes him feel closer to me. He has shared that it has hurt him deeply that I have been uninterested in sex with him for many years now, but honestly I don't feel safe with him and this has affected my desire. At times I even wondered if he was using me because I never felt respected in our relationship. Of course, he always denied this and acted like I was crazy to feel this way. However, during his last bombing, he admitted he didn't like or respect me so it seems like those feelings were not my imagination. Although, I'm sure he will take back those words eventually but I'll still be left wondering...
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. You deserve a lot of credit for recognizing these behaviours and for being willing to work on them in IC. I recall reading some of your sitch but will catch up the recent posts soon.
