I'm Far from perfect

[25yearsmlc]

let me re-cap...and get a helmet on b/c you're going to get what we call a 2x4 to wake you up.

I see it this way--

You had no boundaries with your w. You criticized & belittled her and cheated on her, were incredibly controlling and manipulative and dishonest with her.
Lots of great husband behavior here...
She was hurt and angry and used the few tools she had, to fight back. You had no tools for handling negative feedback so you freaked.

You hit her. For MANY women, like most, that would end it for good. Period. NO discussion. That's it...for me, that's the truth.

.....You were forced to attend DV class (probably would not have gone on your own??) There, you realized you were an admitted "controlling jerk".

But you love your w. You want more for your life and more of yourself.

But You date OW...You change nothing in your dynamic with your w.


Um...okay...no inconsistency there...

OW breaks up with you. We don't know why b/c you don't say.

You renew your interest in your w. (Shocker).

You or both of you, blow it again. This is b/c you repeat the same old same old, somehow thinking "THIS TIME" it'll be different.


Somehow, You learn or you use zero conflict resolution skills.

You have learned Nothing about filtering your words, calming yourself down

or not being a controlling nut...and so, you repeat your mistakes.

You push & push no matter what your w tells you. She says not to bring up R talk. You do it anyhow.

She says she wants space. You refuse to give it to her.

You don't control your own behavior.

You change partners, but you don't change YOU.

Of course it's easier to be nicer to gf, (and make the w jealous?? It proves nothing b/c everyone knows it is easier to START fresh...just won't last b/c it won't always be fresh...

you don't have the history or shame or issues with OW...yet...(but trust me, you will) Why do I say that?

B/c YOU have not changed YOU.

And History repeats itself.

I think it was Einstein who said "The definition of insanity is doing the same behavior, but expecting a different result."

We humans do that often...til we've hurt ourselves and our loved ones enough to actually CHANGE...but we can change.

Something in you wants and expects more of yourself...so

Then you posted this at the end of your thread...


i know i have done her a lot of wrongs, i just need support as best it can be given to stay on a path for changes in myself so that i can hopefully save my marriage. (SAVE YOURSELF FIRST, MARRIAGE SECOND..YOU CANNOT DO THE LATTER WITHOUT DOING THE FORMER.)

she seems like she wants it to work, i know it will take WAY more time than i want to fix it, just hard doing it alone, since no one i talk to supports me. (a goal of mine is to find better friends and support)

WE ALL NEED THIS^^^. SOMETIMES THIS SITE IS THE ONLY PLACE TO GET IT...

my goals... STOP discussing R.
STOP asking/talking/anything about baby daddy.
STOP smothering her and let her have time to think things thru
work on myself, being happy without her.
being happy with my kids

that was probably clear as mud... and so much info not too big on some details im sure...

sorry!



Alrighty....

I realize Having a baby in the house, of another man is a tough pill to swallow, though you seem fair enough to realize it's not as if she cheated on you, or had an affair exactly.

It simply resulted from the natural behavior of a dating single woman.

It's unfortunate for the baby if he/she feels unwelcome in your w's life or in yours if you are with your w.

Is this something you can see handling? I mean, do you KNOW you won't take it out on the child down the road?

If you don't KNOW this, get more help and don't bother with your w til you do.
[b]
The child's welfare is more important than your hurt feelings.
Do you agree with that^^ statement? Do you know what I mean??

Honestly, some of your posts are surprisingly immature for a man.
The justification of the multiple affairs is astounding...you didn't feel special or loved enough?

You sound so insecure and ironically, YOU were the biggest problem in your m, not her.

I can't recall any of my high school boyfriends behaving this way...no ffenses but you don't seem to get how OUT of the bell curve of normal behavior, your behavior is. So I'm sorry but tbh, I didn't date guys with so little self control. For a man, a father of 3 to behave this way & for this long...you have to change my man.
[/b]
You are lucky your if your w will even give you a chance. Don't blow it.

I think you need to work on YOU and you alone (with some space). Get out of the house or apartment, get some real help.

Do not move in together any time soon. Forget OW. She is a bandaid that prevents you from looking at yourself & fixing you.

Be available to your w as needed WHEN and ONLY WHEN you have some tools you presently lack AND if & when she asks.

I mean, don't show up if you don't have it in you to actually help or manage.

Are you the type of guy who MUST have a woman with him at all times?? How needy are you?

(I'm guessing pretty darn needy.)

You have no control over your w so don't fight a losing battle pretending you do...

and get some basic conflict resolution skills, and anger management too.


Women are attracted to strong men. Strong men are in control of themselves, not others.

Your DV c may be able to refer you to someone who can help with this concept.

Your anger is a HUGE issue today...not just yesterday or long ago (most people don't think of things less than 3 years ago as long)

Your anger caused you to lose the house, (being punitive/not paying the bills b/c of baby daddy being there was cutting your nose to spite your face).

and

your anger is why you hit your w in the first place.

Your anger has been your master.

You have been its' dog. Do you want to be your anger's beyotch?

It got you where you are today. So Master your anger.

Sounds great in theory.

SO...what are you going to DO (not say or wish, but DO)

to achieve your goals?