Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt.IV

[25yearsmlc]

you get a free...post from me!

Hey where is your thread these days and how are YOU doing anyhow?

[♪CS♪]

Hey where is your thread these days and how are YOU doing anyhow?

Oh it is floating around here somewhere. Hopefully having the time of it's life!

I am well, thanks for asking!

I may update again here soon. Not so much sitch related, but more personal.

[alamo76]

As you know I'm m to an MD. The AMA published an article on the topic of divorce and doctors and had some good statistics showing the

actual divorce rate was similar to other professions ONCE the degree has been obtained. IOW, if you marry a new doctor then your divorce rate is the same as someone else marrying their mate.

If you marry someone BEFORE they go to med school, your odds might be higher. Maybe they change more? IDK...if it's even true.

That makes me feel a whole lot better, knowing that (hypothetically) the coat-tail rider and my wife will less likely divorce, 25!

First, why can't you pursue YOUR career goals now? If you can, DO SO.

For a ton of reasons, you MUST.

It's the single most important piece of GALing AND it's a 180 AND it's key to your own happiness, which decreases your neediness and the appearance of you being "less than"...her.

I am glad to say that I am. For the first time in a long time, I am excelling in my career. Sure, my title doesn't carry as much cache as, say, an "engineer" (because to my wife's type-A, success-driven and Middle Eastern background, status is important, even if she doesn't admit it), but I have a solid idea of where I want to be career-wise within the next year or two. Getting my Masters and perhaps PhD will be the next step; just need to save up for these.

As hard as h worked, I can honestly say my life was tougher & imagine that even if only for ego's sake, yours must have been.

I had the children, nursed them, and worked full time, never feeling like my job ended. I am sure you felt you were always "on call" at home.

I did what housework got done (but that was the first thing I got flexible on really fast)...and all the cooking. I think you did the same.

For every night h was on call working late or all night, I was without a partner and caring for a child. Same for you.

I was basically Mr. Mom. Through the entire medical school process, I admit I would occasionally run low on steam. All I needed were simply words like "Thank you so much, Alamo." from my wife and it would've been great (that's my love language), but unfortunately, I think she had lost a lot of respect for me by this point no thanks to my porn.

In my eyes, she gave up trying. She would beg to differ if you'd to ask her right now, but I think by this point in med school she was in survival/quench the fire mode, and no more than that. When you think about it, with my addiction, the harshness of school, medical training, unplanned parenthood, and family issues combined, it poisoned us deeply. As I felt more disrespected, my resolve to stay away from porn wasn't strong, and I became more disrespectful of her.

Even with all that crap, I saw glimmers of goodness and hope. There were good memories whenever we were able to step away from everything school-related, from my porn, such as whenever we went on vacation, or did fun things (i.e. dates) together as a couple or as a family.

Medical careers are also prestigious,

whereas being a L is usually the trigger for a joke.

This isn't a complaint about h. But a reality statement for spouses of doctors.

I have had my fair share of jabs from people. People have called my wife my sugar mommy, or that I'll be riding her windfall when she graduates.

I always knew this came with the territory, but I think as my addiction kept its hold on me, my self-confidence as a person, as a MAN began to dwindle. I'm sure my wife picked up on this and started to disdain me.

I heard a former spouse of a doctor say "doctors are the working spoiled" b/c they

undoubtedly work harder & longer than most other professions,

it takes years of a huge crappy load of work to get there, only to have great responsibility for which they are held accountable with

relentlessly long hours and many MANY missed holidays and birthdays and anniversaries, so they DO feel "entitled" to get their way on things outside their careers as well.

They feel, perhaps subconsciously, that they deserve this. After all, no one can argue that they don't work hard, do important work, or that they aren't smart...

We've gotten into arguments are about this. My wife always felt like she had to worked harder and suffer more than other people to obtain what is essentially just another job... a job which happens to be something she absolutely loves and thrives on.

Perhaps it was my mistake of trying to bring her back to reality or from her high-horse, because I did it not out of love, but out of frustration and disrespect. I would say things along the line of: "You work hard? Yes. And so do I. It's different, and we all are good at different professions. Yadda yadda yadda."

Oh, I hate the kind of husband I was. I want so bad to right the wrong, and I hope God will give us that opportunity again.

The men who were happily married to female doctors were either other doctors or independently successful in their own careers, or they were Mr Mom's...only knew 2 of those. One was artsy and incredibly secure in who he was as a man. Always upbeat and happy for his w. They are still m.

The other h was an envious man who took out his feelings of inadequacy on his wife. He withdrew sexually, he made snide remarks of dubious humor at her expense. He eventually cheated on her. And Eventually, she left him.

I was not successful, as you can tell from my story. I was Mr. Mom, but was not a devoted one.

Alamo, don't be envious.

I wouldn't want to be doctor, even though I know that I'm more well-rounded and just as intelligent, if not more, than any of them. It just takes a different work ethic (and a specific type of insecurities/messed-up childhood?) to accomplish being a doctor.

Of course part of her achievement is due to you. How could she have cared for your son without you AND gone to med school? She could not.

So, as long as you know this, can it be enough? Someday she might realize it. Probably more likely when she has to figure out childcare without you around.

But you are somehow enabling her not to face that

and I'm not sure how that works.

Currently, I'm not sure either. Maybe she is facing some of it and not showing it, or maybe she isn't. We'll probably never find out.

Maybe you can read into a conversation that occurred yesterday evening. She called after getting out of her Board exam in San Bruno. I missed the call, but called back 10 minutes later.

M: Hello...
W: Hey...
M: So what's up?
W: I'm still in the city. I only just got out of my exams and I'm stuck in traffic. I'm afraid I might be back past 'E's bedtime. Ehm, could you take him another night? (I had our son the previous night as well). You take him tonight and I'll take him Wednesday night (usually my night). What do you think?
M: Sure...oh wait, I can't. I was hoping to get some cleaning and painting done tonight. (I wasn't trying to be selfish, but trying to veer away from her continuously using me as a backup plan every time she had a career/school-related emergency or delay.)
W: Painting?
M: Yes, painting. I was planning on painting the car bumper. (I had prepped the supplies and was intending on doing it that night. She probably thought it was ridiculous, but it's my life, who cares what she thinks?)
W: First you said sure, then now you said you can't. I think I won't be able to make it back before his bedtime.
M: You know what, I WILL be able to take care of 'E' tonight. It's not a problem.
W: Okay, thanks. Sorry I'm a little brain dead.
(Then she asked to talk to our son, so they said hi over speakerphone, and then she asked to speak to daddy again)
M: Hey.
W: Alamo, thank you for being so flexible. I appreciate you doing this. (Where were these kind of words while we were still together? Like I said, it's my love language.)
M: No problem. We'll just do a trade nights.
W: Okay...(she started trailing off in vocal strength).
M: Are you okay?
W: Yeah.
M: You had a long day.
W: Yeah, it was.
M: Okay then, see you later.
W: Okay.
M: Bye.
W: Bye.

YOU will just keep on moving? How will you get ahead in your career?

How many moves will you do for this?

You can't do that Alamo. Not this way...

That's why I'm seriously considering staying put this time next year. My career is stable and improving, so I'd like to give it a good shot, at least. The only part that I'm torn about is our son. 50/50 is great and all, but he won't have well-balanced access to his parents. Just as he's gotten somewhat acclimated(I use that term VERY loosely) to the fact that he has to move back and forth between mom's and dad's house everyday, he may have to live with the fact that mom and dad live on different coasts. You can say he'll get "acclimated" again, that children are resilient all that junk, but that's how ADULTS have attempted to justify their paid studies.

As of this writing, my plan is to stay put and fight to keep our son here.

She can delay her residency after internship and be a general practitioner

OR she can pick ONE place to do internship and residency and stay there after....it's called accommodating others. She can look intoTHAT concept.

I think she'll only accommodate if (a) she doesn't get into the hospital(s) she wants, (b) she perhaps sees something in me that gives her pause, or (c) I begin to gain some respect in her eyes for whatever reason.

All said, there is about a year left, God may decide that he wants us to be together again. I know my core is in the process of great change and that's driving me forward and upward. I want my son to be part of my new life. I want my wife to be part of my new life as well, but I'm patient. God works on His own speed, and I have to trust His decisions for me/us. I petition for y'all's continuing prayers and support.

And to you 25, thank you so much for your wisdom and the time you put into helping us. Cheers!






[/quote]

[alamo76]

Any of that stuff that you feel like you lost and might wish to recover?

Hi Aeolian, thanks lots for dropping by to comment. I realize that the WAS has to cling to the negatives to keep convincing themselves as well as to garner support from family/friends. Healthy, married couples talk about both the negatives and positives, after all.

I was doing well before being married, but I will say that I am a waaaay better person by being married, AND an EVEN better person when my wife decided to leave and I made the conscious decision to change my life. My aspirations and plan are still alive and well, as you can read from my previous post to 25.

[alamo76]

UPDATE 8/11/11 5:58pm

Wife comes to pick our son up. Our son says: "No, I don't want to go. ...I don't like mommy. NOOOO!"

M: E, be nice to mommy.
W: I know he doesn't mean that.
M: It was his tone.
W: Yeah.

A few minutes later while we were loading him in the car, my wife started (lo and behold) a casual conversation. She told me about her exhausting and long day at the clinic (e.g. having to stand face to face with a man's crotch and freeze warts off his you-know-what), and also told me something funny our son did last night; she was telling the story and getting our son involved in it as well.

It may not have meant anything to her, but I just take interactions like these as pluses, especially when I see our son feeling and seeing the positive energy. It's good for young children.

On another note:
In my upcoming monthly billing e-mail I send my wife, I intend on bringing up the request make a change to our "parenting schedule" to have our son at my place for another night in the week (the # of hours with him per week is in her favor right now, 80 to 49, in fact.). Here's my draft, and I welcome your comments and criticism:

"There is another matter I'd like to discuss, which is E's schedule. I believe that E would benefit from a more balanced week with mommy and daddy, so I would like to ask that he spend an extra night at my home per week. Do let me know what you think. Thanks."

[Redo]

Wife comes to pick our son up. Our son says: "No, I don't want to go. ...I don't like mommy. NOOOO!"

lol!! My wife would have freaked out if my daughter said that

[alamo76]

I'm actually the one who's worrying about it, because he uses that language whenever he's upset, e.g. "I don't like you, Daddy", etc.

Two things today:
1. Any body have suggestions on the draft message I wrote a couple of posts ago? I'm hoping to send this to my wife within the next 3 days.
2. I got an Undelivered Mail notice from USPS. It says I have a Certified Mail/Letter. I hope it's not what I think it is. When I say it, my heart sank.

[~ kd ~]

on part 2... hmmmm... maybe you owe someone money... or maybe Ed McMahon is trying to let you know YOU WON!

on part 1...

Not sure if you want to go the whole "legalize" feel of the letter.

"Just wondering if you'd consider S3 being with me an extra day a week. Maybe it will help with his apparent anxiety."

[alamo76]

UPDATE 12:45pm
Well, just found out the answer to Part 1, i.e. the Undelivered Certified letter. Thankfully, it's not from the court, BUT probably just as dramatic. My wife sends me this letter:

8/10/11

Dear Mr. L,

As of today I was awarded a sub-internship (audition rotation) in Spartanburg, South Carolina at Spartanburg Regional Medical Center Family Medicine Residency from 8/29/11 - 9/23/11. It is my intent to take our son E.L. with me during this time. My mother will be accompanying me and looks forward to taking care of E while I am at the hospital. I will probably leave the Thursday or Friday before the start date and return the Sunday after. I have made efforts to apply for other sub-internships in the Bay Area. As you may know Contra Costa County Medicine Residency will not consider Touro students. Sacramento Methodist already filled its slots and I am still awaiting responses from Santa Rosa and Stockton. I tell you this, as I know you have expressed a concern that I apply to Bay Area programs, and I am doing this.

Sincerely,
Wife

So my first thoughts are:

a. No, I don't want to be separated from our son for over a month. And neither does she.
b. I think I'm better than his grandma at (1) being his PARENT, (2) meeting his needs/daily routines.
c. If I let her have the month with him, when does it end?
d. Since she's going to be (possibly) so busy at the hospital, what's the point of bringing our son there other than using him like own adult binkie - her comfort away from home?

I don't have much time to respond (and if needed, take action). Any ideas?

[a girl]

In my state, the other parent is always the "first choice" for "child care" needs - I would consider responding and contesting.