as the title says, im not perfect. most threads i read on here are of all the wrongs the other spouse does to the one posting... well ive gone and flipped it around, i have not been a good husband to my wife, and i want to change and keep her from leaving me.
a few highlights of her and i, going to be as honest and not biased as i can, yes i am looking for support, but also want brutal honest in what might work to keep my marriage from going bye bye.
feb 2010 the 14th... wife and i have a physical incident, im 4 months into my DV classes and they have revealed me to be someone who was isolated, jealous, controlling and mean. while this is a big deal, specially more so i feel cause of the mental abuse, i have asked for forgiveness and gotten it from my wife for this incident. so im really adding it hear cause of the controlling nature and habits i still need to kick to the curb.
mar 17th 2010 - wife says she can no longer be married to me, asks for divorce, i fight for her, but limited by a protection order. not making excuses i didnt fight for her the right way at all, basically just threatened her with kids (we have 3) and money and house, still all forms of control to get her to HAVE to stay with me.
may 2010 - i have found and am dating another person now, treating her the way i should have treated my wife, going out more, not being such a computer gaming geek, more respect less jealousy from me... better.
aug 2010 - other girl and i break up. (she hung up on me one day and that was that would not talk to me again) she will be back later on...
oct 2010 wife and i have a conversation very deep, she is breaking down basically saying she cant believe its over, and that it should have been a forever thing, we start dating. not just get to know each other, but jump back in full ML and everything. however PO scares me to never leaving her house or mine, so basically it just sort of becomes a physical relationship... still not able to show her much change from what i learned from ex gf.
@@@@ sorry if im skipping some of the past stuff that might seem big, it probably is but its a bit more in the past@@@
Jan 2011 - relationship not going well, fell back into controlling habits (texting too much, trying to tell her who she can talk to and see and what not) snooped phone records... she is texting a guy 8-12 hours a day, all day. i am freaking out more at this point, trying to beg and plead with her to work on us and drop him.
Jan 2011 26th - dropping kids off, he is at the house, i melt down, crying, begging, pleading for her not to leave me, cops get called by him, PO still in place, jail i go again. she doesnt say its over at this point but, obviously its damn close.
jan 2011 27th thru feb 7th - scared to go to jail again, treat each other coldly, not much contact at all, when there is its with a 3rd party.
feb 2011 12th or so - she is now in a relationship with this other person, basically i pushed her right into it by being jealous and controlling all over again.
march 2011 - find out she is pregnant from new bf and he is now living in the house with her... i move on myself and am now dating girl from last summer.
may 2011 2nd - this is the meat... i had been dumped my gf a week prior, and wife is having issues with bf as well, during exchanges leading up to this date we had kind of lingered a bit more, talking a bit more each time, she said something like, 'before its too late' based on the fact that for over a year neither of us have filed, or did anything really about divorce, and i have started DV classes and found out just how messed up i had been acting pretty much my whole life, i have a very open and honest discussion about me being controlling and the incident from a year ago, and well, the big bomb for her, multiple AFFAIRS on my side. i didnt have to tell her, no one would have ever known, but i thought to really give this marriage a chance i had to be open and honest about it all. she figures something like that happened, but never knew, she basically feels stupid now that our whole relationship was a sham. its a good discussion, she kicks bf out and we have agreed to work on our marriage to see why neither of us have filed and to make sure we want to be done with each other.
May 4th til now ish -
-lost house to forclosure, tried to keep 2 house for as long as i could but she only had part time job of like 15 hours a week. no excuses though, i did let it go more when he moved in to my house i was paying for but not living in. -po gets modified so i can see wife anytime June 2nd, her ex calls cops on us same day. didnt go to jail... - no physical contact this time round. hold hands at one point but thats gone again. - she stopped saying i love you about mid june - lot of stress packing and her not having a place to move too, i have a 3 kids and renting 4 bedroom house. at first this is the option but we cant build on anything to have her feel comfortable moving in with me. - baby daddy helps her almost every day pack and move. causes lots of fight as basically she wants him round and not me to help.
**** main reason she doesnt want to be around me... i cant drop the rope... every day i discuss relationship with her, basically trying to control her again and wear her down to jump back in and work on things again with me. - we have a few dates, they go well, but i end up talking R again and ruining any good vibes or progress. - no one she knows, or i know think we should be together. people on my side think she is not giving me anything to work with, people are her side, well you saw about pick any reason or several.
&&&& ok sorry i feel all over the place and like im leaving so much out. so here is where this is currently... she watches kids at my house, then goes elsewhere to sleep, comes back in the morning. she feels like she can see this great person im trying to be, and have been with gf from the summer, but i dont show it to her. she is still not sure she can get past affairs i have had, and for summer GF living her life.
last week, i finally get that im pushing her away by always talking R, yes i read the books several times, but the thought of losing her and all the stuff i know im not supposed to do, i do.
we argued sat night i come home from work, oldest kid has been throwing a fit for last 4 hours, wife is stressed and just done, i pick up her frustration and stress right away, i help get oldest calmed down, but almost accuse her of not letting me help her by begging her what i should be doing to help her de-stress. oldest throws another fit when punishment is doled out, prevents her from leaving for a bit longer, i take that time to fight a little more with her about not wanting to see me on her days off when she made time to see baby daddy twice while i was working. basically i turned her anger from our son to me.
-sunday she spend all day sleeping, we text a little, i tell her im stuck a bit, she ignores it most of the day. we start talking about what my issue is that night be she falls asleep. issue i was having was feeling unloved, and not even liked. she will spend time with someone she is not trying to save a marriage with but not me.
- monday smaller fight, she does say sorry for falling asleep. fight about baby daddy again, and she tells me again that her and i are not in a relationship. that we cant even get along without fighting. she again brings up the fact that i was some great guy with summer GF. i try to tell her that i dont feel wanted by my wife, and that makes all the difference.
tues thru today go pretty well. no fights, trying to drop the rope, she wants to go out Sat night with her brother, but needs to leave tonight as soon as i get home so she can sleep. hard to not be a little upset but didnt show it yet.
the gist of why im here... i have read a lot of stories, and while my situation is me basically being the big time bad guy, i have changed and want to continue to change for the better and be the husband she deserves or the next person... i want to change for me, i dont want to be a controlling jerk and more, i dont want to disrespect her and walk all over her needs and wants. to be open to her so she can hurt me, not be controlling so i dont get hurt.
i know i have done her a lot of wrongs, i just need support as best it can be given to stay on a path for changes in myself so that i can hopefully save my marriage. she seems like she wants it to work, i know it will take WAY more time than i want to fix it, just hard doing it alone, since no one i talk to supports me. (a goal of mine is to find better friends and support)
my goals... STOP discussing R. STOP asking/talking/anything about baby daddy. STOP smothering her and let her have time to think things thru work on myself, being happy without her. being happy with my kids
that was probably clear as mud... and so much info not too big on some details im sure...
