BE CAREFUL DBING

[ninelives]

i will finish this and i disagree with u country for the first time, i owe this board a lot. more than you know.

She went on to discuss her disease and we looked it up and it is sooo sad that she was experiencing this. she said so many time throughout that she was sorry , so sorry that she was too lazy , tired, in so much pain to continue but even if she did seek help, she wouldnt b able to change anything.

She apologized to me soooo many times for putting me through all the stuff of her affair and never trully wanted to hurt me , that she always loved me and called me honey so many times which i missed hearing so much. ( i never stopped loving her)

She then went step by step into her family members telling them what she thought they needed to do to heal as they are dysfunctional. One line that i thought was funny basically said that they were all effed up except for donna who is a gem. i thought that was great. She mentioned my bil who hated her for so long and pleaded with him not to carry around his resentment and hatred and to not hate her any longer please.

She alos wished i could be there as she let go, and to give her permission and say it was ok to leave. ( as if i could ever do that) but to also hold her as she left this world to ease her pain( try to understand this, i would never have let her go and follow through but if i absolutely had to , i wish i could have been holding her as she died and that she didnt have to leave this world alone, make sense?)

She told me i was an incredible man with so much integrity and kindness and that the boys were so lucky to have me as their father. She told me she loved me again.

then she did a makeshift will, asking that the share of her mothers inheritence should go to the kids education fund. (we did get 2000 bucks from donations at the funeral) and that the money she got from me from settlement should go back into my account.

That she loved the boys so much that they were her heart and that she was sorry she could not finish the job of raising them but they would be better off without a dysfunctinal depressed woman in their lives. there was so much love pouring out from this letter.

i wept uncontrollably the first time i read it but now try and take comfort from it.

pete