Thanks for your thoughts and comments - they do make sense. I know my W has a lot of issues, she is giving up a hell of a lot with these actions. She literally has no one in her life that loves and cares for her apart from me and my family. She has had such a difficult childhood and life, and she has family apart from an older sister that is so self absorbed she doesn't really care for her. In the 8 yrs she has been in Australia her sister has never made any effort to visit - so strange and sad. But, as you say those are her issues and problems now, not mine anymore. She has created this situation so she can live with it and the repercussions. I never want to see her in trouble or struggling, but I know in the end I will come out of this better off than her. I have a loving family, a lot of friends, a successful career and she doesn't really have that.
You know I just wish I had found this site in February when she left. I have made so many mistakes, that I feel I have damaged the M permanently, so much that I look back on and am so ashamed of myself. Although she has done some shite stuff too. Worst being, when we were supposedly working things out, getting on well and loving, we decided to go away for Easter. I booked a luxury resort in Thailand for 5 nights so we could reconnect and get back to basics and the great things about us. She had moved home for 3 nights and was keen and excited - booking activities, saying she can't wait etc. Then the night before we leave she comes home from work and says it's over she can't go. And then had this friend of hers waiting outside to take her away, and that was it - the beginning of the end. She has surrounded herself with two women who seem to be encouraging a lot of this. One is divorced, hates men, her husband left her with 3 kids for a younger woman. Plus she is ten yrs older than my W so I don't get the friendship. The other is a work friend who moved to this state and left her husband. He came here 6 mths later, they are trying to sort it out, but now she is cheating on him. Great influences for the W to surround herself with. And both these women don't really know me or us as a couple. They have latched on to her and and encouraging her decision the whole way. I fee like she has been brainwashed! Well thats what my mum says!
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Cam, I just read through your story, and I'm sorry you are at this point. Your W and my W sound like they are cut from the same cloth; they run from their problems, they had screwed-up childhoods, low self-esteem and they give these broad-brushed vague reasons for leaving.
The only comment I'll make is to listen to what everyone else here has said to you - which it seems like you are starting to do - but remember this is your situation, not ours. You decide when it's time to move on. You decide how you are going to deal with your W. You decide what your life should look like. Nobody else has the right to do that for you; not your W, not your friends, not anyone on this site...only you hold the reins.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
but I know in the end I will come out of this better off than her
It is not about being better than HER.
It is about being better than YOU WERE/ARE.
It is not a competition. Ditch the scorecard as 25 says.
Listen to Grit. His words have helped me more than you know through this. This about working on YOU. YOU taking control of YOUR life. Being THE MAN you want to be/truly are.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Thanks guys. I know its not about being better than her and winning, i guess it's just hard not to feel that way at times as a way of thinking 'stuff her, I don't deserve this, and I will prevail', which is a lot of the feedback my friends give me. The most frustrating thing is I feel like with this forum and my DB coach, I know who I want to be and how I want to interact with people and the relationship I want - I just don't think I will ever get the chance to do this with the one I truly love. I really appreciate your comments and thoughts.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
I received a bit of a reality check over the weekend from some friends about my M. My wife and I have been "officially" separated for 6 mths now, even though it has only been since late April that she ended it. But she has shown no signs of ever getting this back on track and everything she says makes me reflect on all that I have done wrong. I know she has to take some blame too, but the majority falls on me. I know this will never get back to what we had, and there has been too much damage now. If we ever got back then I would always be wondering if she's going to do it again, and I would struggle to trust her.
So, what does all this mean? Well, I'm done. I accept it now that my M is over, I accept that i will never get the chance to redeem myself and prove that I have changed and I could have been the husband she wanted. It's been a tough weekend, but as my friends say - you have to let her go and start again and find someone who is going to be right for you.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Cam I am new here but do not lose hope. Your future is bright. I have a feeling that things will be awesome very soon even if they don't seem so now. last week I thought I was dead inside, all my fault, but after visitng here things don't look so bad even if seems to be. Hang in there. God bless
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
cam, first, be careful of some of the advice you get from your friends.
Your friends love you, so they will give you advice to protect you. It is normal and if you look at it's roots, it is kind.
They are being your friend. That is good.
But look man. Let's be frank. Most of these situations do not end in R. So accept that. Our chances of repairing our M may be low.
But I believe it was Jack3 who said, and I am paraphrasing, [censored] statistics.
Look cam, the only way through this is through it (who said that?)
Regardless of the outcome, the path does not change.
If you are to fix your M, it starts with fixing yourself.
If you do not fix your M, well, then if you do fix yourself, you are in a perfect spot to move forward.
What do you believe you are 'done' with?
You?
I hope not.
Tell your mates that she does not define you. You are doing this for you. You only. IF she ever decides to reconsider the R, well, then you will be a man ready to do so.
Be well cam.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
know she has to take some blame too, but the majority falls on me.
Are you implying that somehow you are capable of having a supermajority in a relationship where each partner is responsible for there 50%?
Are you a tyrant?
You don't need to give up - the point of all of this isn't to redeem yourself in her eyes.
If its about redeeming at all, it's redeeming yourself in your own eyes. You need to see your own worth here, cam.
Owning more than your share of responsibility is just as counter-productive as refusing to own any of it. Either way you are distorting the picture.
I'm sorry if you feel like your M is over. Showing her your changes is important, but its more important that you see them and appreciate them for yourself. They ought to make you feel more integrated and
One thing to keep in mind about friends - they have their own interests at heart, even when they believe they have yours at heart - like family, they want to see you stop hurting asap and believe the best thing to do is just tear the bandaid off fast and start fresh.
I'm not saying they are right or wrong - just be sure that you are basing your decisions on what you know to be true.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
I struggle to see much of what she has done wrong. Even though she is blaming me for the lot, I know she should have done things differently too, but I should have been a better husband and person. I should have listened more to what she was saying, I should have had shown more affection and respect. I know everything I did which was wrong and I know I would never repeat the same mistakes with her or anyone else again. I am just trying to be realistic that it is very very unlikely I will ever get the chance to be the person I can be with her.
Unfortunately I am dealing with a person who has constantly run from issues in her life and has put her faith and trust in 'friends' that are leading her this way and they will never let her go back to 'protect' her. I am dealing with a person who has been through a lot of crap in her life and has this ability to put up a 'wall' and block everything out which was good and focus on the negatives to move on. She will continue to run and soon she will be gone out of the country and out of my life for good. She will not get the chance to see me for who I really am and who I can become. I'm just very sad that we were supposed to start a family this year and I spend a lot of time with my friends and their kids and I will not get that chance now with my one true love.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
I feel I am done with 'hope' or holding out hope that we will reconcile. I'm sick of wondering where she is, what she's doing, wondering what the next painful step in this process will be. I'm sick of thinking about her and wondering how she could do this to us, blaming myself for not seeing the signs, wondering if she is reconsidering or hurting. I'm sick of thinking of all the great things about us that I miss and the plans we had for our lives together that will never eventuate. All in all I am just sick of this whole experience and as my W says, 'holding on to false hope' that we may get together.
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
