Just Be 2

[25yearsmlc]

Maybe I am missing something...seriously b/c I don't get this.

She reaches out with some small talk and you, Denver resist the recall of the name (who cares if YOU remember them? Your dad knew them or they knew HIM.)

And she IS reaching out. Why can't you be busy but polite and end the conversation like the rest of us did when they'd call or text?

I don't get it. THESE texts are not coming at midnight and they aren't mean or weird.

Folks, tell me how ignoring them helps.

I don't get it.

[MHL]

We are all pretty much in agreement IMO.

I think where it was not clear after the toilet incident is that Denver's W never said......

Denver, I want to work on us, while I am unsure about the outcome, I do love you and I miss you. Lets work together to figure this out and try to save our marriage. What do you want to do? This is what I need (a,b,c) What do you need?

She never verbally committed so that a open and honest conversation could follow.

If I recall all she wanted to do is start making plans to go on vacation without committing to anything.

When Denver questioned it, her response was something like....

There are no guarantees

Translation........I am going to continue to do what I want while I decide if I want to commit to working on it.


At that point it would have been better if Denver had said....

When you are ready to try I would welcome the opportunity to sit down with you and talk about what we need from each other in order for that to happen. Until that time I cannot have casual contact with you as it hurts me while you are undecided, I am sure you can understand.

and then go dark or dim or whatever.

Instead he said

And I flat out told her after the toilet incident that I would not continue to R with her if she did have contact with him.

Problem is that you guys never started reconciling.......you guys were acting like it but you 2 never said,

"Okay, so we are trying to make this marriage work"


I don't recall that she ever agreed with nor confirmed that she was onboard with what Denver was saying..........she was concerned with what she was saying.......

A common mistake when 2 people are talking......."We want to be understood before we try to understand"

I believe that was a quote on Country's quote thread

I know this is all in hindsight at this point.......however unlike in most cases where the LBS further pushes the WAW away......in Denver's case his W is still interested.

Denver,

I think you are finally in a place emotionally where you are okay with the distance......you see the benefit.

When newbies first get here they are just not "equiped" to do what needs to be done........I was not and you were not either.

We are not prepared to live by our own boundaries in the beginning.......we refer to it as "enforcement" but we should really refer to it as "endurement".

Most newbies and some oldies cannot not endure while the boundary does its work, and they waffle and it is fuzzy and they basically eff it up to the point where the WAW is in full sprint to get away from us.

Now you see how the DB tatics work and they do work!!!!!

When done correctly.

I am not beating you up here, it is the norm that most cannot do what is being suggested to them, it is too hard emotionally.

We are asking people to control their emotions at a time in their lives where their EMOTIONS have complete control over them.

It is next to impossible for most........it was for me.

It takes TIME and an "Endurance of Pain" to get most people to a point where they are almost "numb" before they can get a hold of themselves.

I agree that you seem to be in a much better place and you know what if the OW helped you with that.....then so be it.......

What is frustrating for me is to see that you are more in control, more emotionally stable, more confident in YOU and your W seems to still be open to the "thought" of trying.

You have had your "fill" of her "sh!t", and there is this OW.....you are not quite done......but you are on your way.

There was a poster here by the name of CD_bear that referred to this process as the "great race".........(I know your reading Seedy )

it is a race to see if the WAW can come to her senses before the LBS has had enough...........

Denver, I think that your W might be losing that race.

The thing is.........there are no winners at the end.

Hope this helps

Cheers

[MHL]

Maybe I am missing something...seriously b/c I don't get this.

She reaches out with some small talk and you, Denver resist the recall of the name (who cares if YOU remember them? Your dad knew them or they knew HIM.)

And she IS reaching out. Why can't you be busy but polite and end the conversation like the rest of us did when they'd call or text?

I don't get it. THESE texts are not coming at midnight and they aren't mean or weird.

Folks, tell me how ignoring them helps.

I don't get it.

25,
I agree with you. It only helps if he will be honest with her and tell her one more time........

W, I love and miss you and I want to save our marriage, we obviously get along and can be friendly. I know you are unsure and you are undecided......I accept that. Please know that because, I do love you and I do miss you and I want nothing more than to be married to you, it hurts me immensely that you are undecided about committing to work on us. Because it hurts I can not have casual contact with you.....it just hurts plain and simple. I am going to take some time and some space and give you the same.......if you decide that you want to commit to working on us then let me know and I will be glad to sit down and talk with you about what that would look like. Until that time please understand that I am not ignoring you I am just trying to avoid further pain.

Of course her next question will be about the other woman......and well I don't have a script about that one.

[Denver_2010]

Denver,

I am new to your thread although I have been following your sitch for quite some time now. It is so similar to mine it is almost scary. I have been at this since about mid January and as you can probably tell we are neighbors.

First of all, you have so many wonderful and wise people helping you...you are truly blessed. I'm so impressed with all of you. This place really is a lifesaver.

I really haven't taken the time to do much posting, mostly just observing but for whatever reason I feel compelled to give my 2 cents regarding your recent interactions with your W.

All I can say is from my perspective you can show her more respect in answering her texts as others have suggested. This is yet another chance for you to show her the new Denver and I'm afraid you may be missing the boat a bit.

If nothing else it is a chance to show her you are the bigger person and perhaps make her think a little. Everyone deserves that courtesy even if it is not mutual. I know I am always more comfortable in my own skin when I rise above my W's antics.

Just sayin'

LM

Thanks LM. And yeah, we are almost neighbors! You should post your sitch. I haven't been doing a lot of posting on others' threads the past couple of months, but plan on resuming that eventually. I'd like to hear about your sitch for sure.

Curious as to others' take on what 25MLC is saying in the above post. ^^^

BITS
Denver

[♪CS♪]

Curious as to others' take on what 25MLC is saying in the above post. ^^^

TBH. I am surprised by it. Because what I thought was clear was you were and did set a boundary on this.

I.e. What MHL said. "until you can committ, the casual communication hurts"

(on my phone so paraphrasing)

BUT. What I take from what you did was some weird in-between. Engaged her some. But kind of half ass. Then ignored.

Again. I see MIXED SIGNALS by YOU.

I think it is time to be clear one way or another.

Yes she is reaching out to you. She has before. Many times. But what she has NOT done is committed.

You can go back to where you were as easy as 1-2-3. But is that what you want?

[25yearsmlc]

Curious as to others' take on what 25MLC is saying in the above post. ^^^

TBH. I am surprised by it. Because what I thought was clear was you were and did set a boundary on this.

I.e. What MHL said. "until you can committ, the casual communication hurts"

(on my phone so paraphrasing)

BUT. What I take from what you did was some weird in-between. Engaged her some. But kind of half ass. Then ignored.

Again. I see MIXED SIGNALS by YOU.

I think it is time to be clear one way or another.

Yes she is reaching out to you. She has before. Many times. But what she has NOT done is committed.

You can go back to where you were as easy as 1-2-3. But is that what you want?

CS

you are correct. I am being inconsistent b/c


when it comes down to Denver's example,

I don't see why he can't do the regular "rules" we advise others to do and

End conversations first, initiate zero contact, and see where she goes.

It's dim, not "dark".


But I take your point.

[MHL]

You can go back to where you were as easy as 1-2-3. But is that what you want?

My thoughts exactly.

[25yearsmlc]

Maybe I am missing something...seriously b/c I don't get this.

She reaches out with some small talk and you, Denver resist the recall of the name (who cares if YOU remember them? Your dad knew them or they knew HIM.)

And she IS reaching out. Why can't you be busy but polite and end the conversation like the rest of us did when they'd call or text?

I don't get it. THESE texts are not coming at midnight and they aren't mean or weird.

Folks, tell me how ignoring them helps.

I don't get it.

25,
I agree with you. It only helps if he will be honest with her and tell her one more time........

W, I love and miss you and I want to save our marriage, we obviously get along and can be friendly. I know you are unsure and you are undecided......I accept that. Please know that because, I do love you and I do miss you and I want nothing more than to be married to you, it hurts me immensely that you are undecided about committing to work on us. Because it hurts I can not have casual contact with you.....it just hurts plain and simple. I am going to take some time and some space and give you the same.......if you decide that you want to commit to working on us then let me know and I will be glad to sit down and talk with you about what that would look like. Until that time please understand that I am not ignoring you I am just trying to avoid further pain.

Of course her next question will be about the other woman......and well I don't have a script about that one.

This makes sense to me. Shorten it but yeah, I get it more.

[♪CS♪]

End conversations first, initiate zero contact, and see where she goes.

What I fear is takes him right back to the weird limbo land he has been in for the last 6 months.

But that is only a guess.

[Starsky309]

It is tough.

Oh I know man. I understand.

My post you quoted was not meant to be a dig on you. It was to clarify that I felt some of the other posts may have been misinterpreted.

Based on your last update. I think you are doing well man.

We may disagree on the issue of OW. But that is not THE issue here.

Keep at it. Good to find your 'mojo.'. Regardless of it's source.

I know CS. I don't take any of the posts as 'digs'. I know that everyone is just trying to help me.

UPDATE...

W initiated text convo with me again today (Friday)... I'm going to edit much of it bc it is non-R talk... but fact that she contacted me is probably important.

W: "I sang at the yyyy wedding last weekend. They are from Pueblo and knew your family." (Pueblo is my hometown)

Me: "hmmm... the last name doesn't sound familiar."

W: "Sorry. Their last name was xxxx. Spoke to one of their dads. They are younger than us though."

Me: "Still doesn't sound familiar."

W: "hmmm the dad knew your family and Mike's. Knew about JJ too" (JJ was a friend of mine who died in car accident in July)

W: "They had italian cookies from Pueblo. That's how the conversation started." (W and I had italian cookies from pueblo at our wedding).

I did not reply to her last 2 text messages.

That's it.

Denver

Denver,

These are not about your kids, nor are they urgent. Why are you responding to them? I thought you were going dark, or at least dim?

And then -- to top it off -- you IGNORE the last few?

I'm afraid this is nothing but the EXACT SAME passive-aggressive behavior from you, and what several people were alluding to earlier about your texts with your wife.

Starsky