If you ask a WAS if they are having an A, they will answer in a number of ways, but most likely:
No - because they are not
No - because they are
and then there's the deflect, like saying it is because of the LBS, which is pretty much the same as saying "No"...
Another general rule here is, "Expect the worst, hope for the best"...
If there is an OM... it will come out in the wash, eventually...
Right now, it would be a really good idea to read through DR and take a whole bunch of deep breathes and start doing the work to find yourself again, GAL, do 180s, and become the best man you can be, that only a fool would leave...
There is never any guarantees, but if you work on yourself and get yourself together, no matter the outcome of your M, you have the greatest opportunity to move forward and create what you want in your life.
She was supposed to attend a wedding with me tomorrow for friends of both of us (in which I am a groomsman) and she said that she would feel uncomfortable attending. I feel bad that she feels uncomfortable since her friends will be there as well. I was planning on stopping by in my tux, and just dropping off the invitation for her and without any pressure just letting her know where and when the ceremony is, and just telling her without any pressure, "I understand if you feel uncomfortable, but I don't want my actions to prevent you from seeing your friends...if you choose to come, I promise to keep it civil and avoid any talk about us". Is this a bad move or do you think she might appreciate it?
Waaaaayyyyy too much, BL. If this is something she feels she must do, why do you feel it's YOUR responsibility to make it easier on her?
You're making the same mistakes that a lot of newbies make, and that's going all "touchy-feely" on her, which not only DOESN'T work, but it just PIZZES THEM OFF.
Simple rule-of-thumb on things like this wedding: look at it from some combination of - what is The Right Thing to Do; and
- do I want to go?
Learn to do that without ANY REGARD to whether or not it wil make your wife angry or feel awkward. I'm not saying to be a dikk about it or anything -- on the contrary, you should strive to always be civil and even courteous to your wife in your interactions with her. But you need to let HER own her decision here (BGPs), while learning to do The Right Thing yourself in every situation. So if going to this wedding is something you said you would do, and you feel it's the right thing to do, you should go.
As for finding out if there's someone else, there are tons of ways, from hiring a PI to putting a keylogger on her computer. You didn't really answer my questions above -- how does she interact with her cellphone and her computer since all this began?
I tried posting a couple times, but for some reason it didn't show up.
In any case, thank you so much for your support. I have outright asked her if there is someone else and she said no, and that it is my past behavior that led her to this point. I tend to believe her (though maybe i'm being naive).
You may or not be being naive, but ASKING her is absolutely WORTHLESS. Because as KD says, if she IS involved with someone else, she'll say "there's no one else," and if she ISN'T, she'll say "there's no one else." All cheaters lie -- PERIOD. It's like the sheepdog asking the fox if he plans on raiding the henhouse.
There are certainly a ton of red flags here, though, especially her high levels of guilt when she's around you.
I ended up going to the wedding alone and it was very difficult as I have still not told my friends that she has moved out. I made up a story that a family emergency came up. I really hope she is not seeing someone else, it would be absolutely devastating to me. The cell phone usage has been kind of secretive, but I've never looked at her records below and don't really plan on spying on her at this point.
Any thoughts on if there could be a sliver of hope as she said that she'd go to one marriage counseling session with me? I had coffee with her this morning and she still brings up the administrative matters around the divorce, and when I told her I wish she'd keep an open mind when we visit the counselor, she said "I want you to be realistic".
Any thoughts on how to get the most "bang for my buck" in this one session? I feel like I have one chance to make it better. We have spent quite a bit of time apart with both of us traveling, so I'm not sure that GAL'ing will help too much, but I'll try it out. I think a 180 for us is actually spending time together as sad as that sounds!
I'm keeping hope up until she actually follows through with moving forward with her attorney. Until then, if you guys have any additional tips, I'd really appreciate it.
I have not posted for a while (nearly four months), but a lot has transpired. I have been following along on other folks' situations as their WAW situations seem to be so similar to mine.
While I have read DR and DB books, I can honestly say I have not done a very good job of following this and I thought maybe it would help to be back posting on this forum instead of just guessing what the correct approach is, since I have looked back on many approaches and realized that I just made the situation worse.
Just to let you all know where I currently stand: W moved out on 8/13, said she wanted it to be a quick process, but here I am in December and nothing has been filed, though both of us have retained attorneys. I found out about and EA between W and OM and going against DB techniques, I confronted W about it in a somewhat angry fashion. I tried DB'ing from then on out just GAL'ing, but because of my constant need for attention, could not stop pressuring her to talk to me or to meet up to discuss something (which really was just an excuse to see her to get her to notice my changes). This all back-fired and usually left each of these situations feeling like I smothered her and asking too many questions about R. I even exposed the EA to her parents in hopes that they would see that I am not purely at fault, but of course you can guess how that went.
The latest is that I thought I would do a 180 by going from smothering her with calling "just to talk about things" to sending her an e-mail basically saying that I don't think it makes sense for us to talk anymore and that we should let the attorneys handle everything from here on out. This was in advance of "going dark", but I realize that I should not have told her that I would be going dark before I did it.
I feel like I'm in this constant battle of doing something out of instinct and then later regretting it, so I think it is probably best if I actively post before I do things because I am really not good at this stuff.
I know that my W is still struggling with this decision but she feels that she has no choice but to move forward. I am not sure if OM is still in the picture, but I have no way of finding out (and don't want to stalk/snoop/etc.). I suppose I'll act as if OM is still involved.
The truth is that I still would like to continue "going dark", but to create mystery and not because I am trying to be vindictive, which is how I left it with the e-mail and then no communication. Is this even possible at this point? I look back and see a lot of places where I could have listened and improved things, but ignored it in place of my anger at the entire situation.
I am upset because I'm not sure where things would be at if I just knew how to do this effectively. Any ideas for how I proceed from here? As of now, she probably thinks I'm not talking to her to be vindictive, and if I continue going dark, I fear that her resentment will grow instead of make her want to contact me.
Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you for your help. I've been following a lot of situations closely and trying to take lessons from them, but it is very hard.
I am posting again because I'm a newbie (though I have been lurking on the boards trying to learn from others' situations). I am 32 and my W is 29 and we do not have kids. As you can see by my post above, I have not done a great job DB (i.e., went dark, but effectively told my W that I was going dark first and not to contact me), trying to provide some fear in her that I wouldn't be around for her to contact on a whim. She dropped the bomb in July and I have just been trying to buy time hoping she'd reconsider. The issue is that there is an OM that I know at the very least she was having an EA with, possible PA. I thought if I could buy enough time, it would run its course and she might reconsider.
I am still trying to detach, but while letting her know how I feel (i.e., I have learned a lot and am working on myself, I would like to work on the marriage, but I will respect her wishes). The issue is that her wishes are for her to file and to get a court date ASAP. I of course do not want this, but how does one balance trying to go dark/detach when she is asking me to move things forward and I do not want to? I effectively need to disagree with her or try to make something up, which she reacts very negatively to.
If I go dark, her L will call my L and ask what's going on.
I am mentally prepared that there is no hope left, but just wondering if there is any way to slow this down without making it seem like I'm trying to disagree with her decision. Also, we do not live together and have no kids so there is really nothing that is holding us together where I can show her my changes or 180s.
Any suggestions at this point would be very very much appreciated. Thank you.
