Just Be 2

[MHL]

We are all pretty much in agreement IMO.

I think where it was not clear after the toilet incident is that Denver's W never said......

Denver, I want to work on us, while I am unsure about the outcome, I do love you and I miss you. Lets work together to figure this out and try to save our marriage. What do you want to do? This is what I need (a,b,c) What do you need?

She never verbally committed so that a open and honest conversation could follow.

If I recall all she wanted to do is start making plans to go on vacation without committing to anything.

When Denver questioned it, her response was something like....

There are no guarantees

Translation........I am going to continue to do what I want while I decide if I want to commit to working on it.


At that point it would have been better if Denver had said....

When you are ready to try I would welcome the opportunity to sit down with you and talk about what we need from each other in order for that to happen. Until that time I cannot have casual contact with you as it hurts me while you are undecided, I am sure you can understand.

and then go dark or dim or whatever.

Instead he said

And I flat out told her after the toilet incident that I would not continue to R with her if she did have contact with him.

Problem is that you guys never started reconciling.......you guys were acting like it but you 2 never said,

"Okay, so we are trying to make this marriage work"


I don't recall that she ever agreed with nor confirmed that she was onboard with what Denver was saying..........she was concerned with what she was saying.......

A common mistake when 2 people are talking......."We want to be understood before we try to understand"

I believe that was a quote on Country's quote thread

I know this is all in hindsight at this point.......however unlike in most cases where the LBS further pushes the WAW away......in Denver's case his W is still interested.

Denver,

I think you are finally in a place emotionally where you are okay with the distance......you see the benefit.

When newbies first get here they are just not "equiped" to do what needs to be done........I was not and you were not either.

We are not prepared to live by our own boundaries in the beginning.......we refer to it as "enforcement" but we should really refer to it as "endurement".

Most newbies and some oldies cannot not endure while the boundary does its work, and they waffle and it is fuzzy and they basically eff it up to the point where the WAW is in full sprint to get away from us.

Now you see how the DB tatics work and they do work!!!!!

When done correctly.

I am not beating you up here, it is the norm that most cannot do what is being suggested to them, it is too hard emotionally.

We are asking people to control their emotions at a time in their lives where their EMOTIONS have complete control over them.

It is next to impossible for most........it was for me.

It takes TIME and an "Endurance of Pain" to get most people to a point where they are almost "numb" before they can get a hold of themselves.

I agree that you seem to be in a much better place and you know what if the OW helped you with that.....then so be it.......

What is frustrating for me is to see that you are more in control, more emotionally stable, more confident in YOU and your W seems to still be open to the "thought" of trying.

You have had your "fill" of her "sh!t", and there is this OW.....you are not quite done......but you are on your way.

There was a poster here by the name of CD_bear that referred to this process as the "great race".........(I know your reading Seedy )

it is a race to see if the WAW can come to her senses before the LBS has had enough...........

Denver, I think that your W might be losing that race.

The thing is.........there are no winners at the end.

Hope this helps

Cheers