Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[aeolianchaos]

I guess it's just that "reptilian brain" you talk about - when I am feeling hurt, it is hard for me to think about anyone else but me. Which, obviously, makes DBing a challenge for me. But I guess if it weren't a challenge, there would be nothing I needed to change, and DBing wouldn't be necessary, right?

I think I got most of my 'bad behavior' out of my system before I found this place. When I found out about the affair the stuff that came out of my mouth would have made a pirate blush. I was very angry and said very very hurtful things - even a month later I was still fantasizing about beating the cr@p out of the OM. Deciding not to hate that guy was like tearing my ego in half - I felt sick coming to that conclusion, but its the one that I'm going with.

I think its entirely normal to have those challenges when you feel hurt. I think that most people experience the same thing, unless they have a fear of even expressing that hurt or anger. It is a challenge - one we aspire to meet - to be able to get beyond that kind of experience and be vulnerable in a way that opens us up rather than shuts us down.

The thing is - and I'm sure others have found this - helping others is in some ways like GAL. It really does make me feel better if I can be supportive or just share in someone else's experience. Just knowing that we are not going through this alone has so much value - when we can speak to someone else's suffering - maybe we indirectly speak to a part of our own.

I had a couple of episodes last week when some provocative situations came up and I avoided getting into an argument. I have been minding my own life.

How did you feel about yourself afterwards? Did you like yourself better as a result? I am happy that you were able to do that - the ability to defuse a potential blowup is a really really reaally good skill to have - and it sounds like you have it.

I guess I am a little nervous because the changes I have made seem so little, and I am afraid I am forgetting something else that I need to keep up. Maybe I need to review the book, again. It was very helpful the first time, and I am sure that, as time goes on, the techniques need to be applied and reapplied - finding solutions as new problems come up, so they don't become opportunities to become conflictual again.

You are probably right that re-reading the book might be useful. You've had some time to apply what you got from the first go-round, you've had the opportunity to take a look at how your W responded to things, you've had time to reflect on what worked for you - what went well, what took some reviewing and revision. You would be coming to the book with a different pair of eyes now, and would be able to notice certain subtleties that might not have been so apparent the first time around.

The book is full of interesting and good ideas. Do you feel like you have more clarity about what your goals are? What to you, seems like the first sign that things are changing? If you do, it could be helpful to reflect on those things and figure out what 'worked' to bring those changes about.

If you don't - it might be a good exercise to think about that - what it would look like if things were changing and what might help to lead to that point.