Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

A.C.

I have been reading some of your thread (you really journal well). I have to say, I am sorry things are so tough on you.

I also have to say I admire you. If things had gotten that out of hand for me, I think I would be hard pressed to be upbeat and supportive for other people. I guess it's just that "reptilian brain" you talk about - when I am feeling hurt, it is hard for me to think about anyone else but me. Which, obviously, makes DBing a challenge for me. But I guess if it weren't a challenge, there would be nothing I needed to change, and DBing wouldn't be necessary, right?

I hope I am not a total downer bringing all this up. I guess you must be doing the DBing well, because you are obviously making changes for YOU, and they are obviously working - you are emotionally well enough to share with others, even when your W sounds like she has been pretty much shutting out the idea of reconciliation. It's a tough sitch in which to still grow healthy, but you seem to be doing it. My hat goes off to you.

Right now, I am doing some things right, and W and I are getting along. While the sex is nice, in all other ways we are just kind of getting along like relatively casual friends. Nothing deep is being shared, just the basic daily talk like you might do with an acquaintance at work. Little affection shown.

What am I doing right - if I don't know, how can I keep doing it, right? Well, I have not been ALL OVER W for affection - give a peck on the cheek when I get home (yesterday she gave me a hug) and move on to dinner and talk. I really miss grossing the kids out by kissing on the lips in front of them (always gave me a laugh), but we are not there right now. I am showing some interest in what W is doing - enough to ask questions - but not intrusive. I had a couple of episodes last week when some provocative situations came up and I avoided getting into an argument. I have been minding my own life.

Is that all there is? I don't imagine so. I'm hoping we will begin to come together more, and as we do, I suppose some other issues, ones that came up when we were more connected, will re-emerge. Well, I guess I'll have to cross those bridges when I come to them. Just focus on what I have to work on right now. Be the best father and husband I can be, all while being a man in my own right, separate from all that.

I guess I am a little nervous because the changes I have made seem so little, and I am afraid I am forgetting something else that I need to keep up. Maybe I need to review the book, again. It was very helpful the first time, and I am sure that, as time goes on, the techniques need to be applied and reapplied - finding solutions as new problems come up, so they don't become opportunities to become conflictual again.

I guess I just worry when things seem like they are coming too easily. Well, I guess the challenges will come on their own - I don't need to look for them.