Here we go again…..just went down to the office to tell W I was going to pick kids up. She was distraught/upset. She started a conversation. Not yelling this time….just raising her voice. She doesn’t know shy she is so anxious in my presence. Doesn’t know why she gets so upset when I’m around. I told her I didn’t know either. Told her that over the past 40+ days, I have only been an a$$ during one of them IMHO and I feel very bad for that day. I told her I know I am completely vilified and evil in her eyes and that this vision of me makes her pursuit of the D seem more necessary and justified.
I am taking the kids away next week and she is taking them the following week. I told her I thought that time may help her.
She said she is trying to be nice and she knows I am too. I corrected her and said I am not trying to be nice to her. I am finally figuring out how to be nice to myself. I told her I am very happy and very sad at the same time. She asked what that meant. I told her I am happy that I finally have realized what I have been as a person was not what I wanted to be and that I am very happy that I now realize it and am making the changes to fix it. I am also very sad because of this tragedy (D) that our family is going through.
She said she doesn’t like to keep “running away” (ie going out at night, driving 6 hrs, I guess??). Says it doesn’t change anything and she feels horrible leaving kids. I told her that I understand that if she consistently views everything I do or say with suspicion and skepticism, I understand why she feels the need to run. I understand how frustrating that would be.
I also told her that other that seeing my kids in pain, I hate to see her in pain more than anything in this world. I wouldn’t wish what she’s going through on anyone. Also said I know my words mean nothing to her and that used to frustrate me but I now know there is nothing I can do about that.
I am kind of surprised that at no point did I see a completely hateful response from her when I was talking to her. This is the first time in recent memory when I told her something that was heartfelt that she didn’t make some snide remark or gesture. That actually felt really good to me. I am honest and I do not being treated like I’m not. Maybe me telling her that several days ago had an impact????
