Ken Thanks for your thoughts, only just seen your post, need to try this (No GALman, try not, do or do not, there is no try)
Kaffe Thanks as always
I have not had any communication with W for 3 weeks now (except the brief response to her email) and will continue to do so. Obviously it would be easy to though, but that achieves nothing…..
Regarding my boundary though, I set it, and I am a man of integrity…………………….
You say actions (as it should be)
Should I see a solicitor then and just get the separation agreement drafted and sent?
That’s all it would be though, a legally binding agreement, as I have decided not to sort the house equity out until I have to do so, as this is in my best interest (so this would be when D is final, after 2 years of separation. W won’t like that)
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
It will be your actions that set you on your path.
IF you see a solicitor and get the agreement drafted and sent... THEN you might want to give your W a heads up...
"I was at the L and he sent you some stuff."
NOTHING before that... because here's the thing... you might change your mind... and she'd be expecting stuff...
and maybe... just maybe... you're expecting that words might change some things...
"Could you come get the rest of your stuff..." because "I'm want to paint the room" or "I need the space."...
but... you'd better paint the room or use the space if she comes to get the stuff...
You may be all over doing what you say... the point is... the words are, to some degree... irrelevant...
Same as me telling my W that when november comes, I will be starting the D papers... it's really pointless at this time... I might... and maybe I'll wait... I don't really know... and don't feel like committing to it, atm...
The title of my thread sums up how I am feeling right now
At first it was a reflection of a lengthy R conversation, now
something different
I must say that I am soooo proud of the way I have conducted myself over these last few months. I always thought I was a good person before, but this experience HAS actually changed me already.
I know the vets and people post all the time, saying work on yourself, 180’s, GAL etc, and at the beginning the main reason we all feel is to get S back, what can we do to influence them, show them the error of their ways etc etc etc
I WAS that person too
However, I HAVE learnt, as will others IT IS ACTUALLY ABOUT US the LBS
Before (even though I believed I was a good person) I would have reacted differently, chased, pursued, shown anger, maybe even resentfulness or bitterness. But not now
That is MY realisation, of how I HAVE actually changed already, and will continue to do so because I LOVE THIS IN ME.
Morals, beliefs and how we conduct ourselves is part of what makes us up, it is the fundamentals of which we operate from and forms us. To change these, IMHO, means we are changing for someone or something else….
that SHOULD NOT be the case, once we do this we lose respect of ourselves.
Another thing I have also realised, is that I have not changed my opinion on my M and what it would take for BOTH of us to make things work. I have been GAL quite well with and without kids, however I FEEL that the changes in me have been the most enlightening.
I have seen many PMA phrases in the last few months, but I like mine the best LOL, Change creates opportunities
I have changed……….
I will continue to change………………
I WILL be a better rounded person for this……………… change
As in my sig, which I wrote right back at the beginning of this
The man became is changing back to the man I was, and more
The and more is life experiences, this, and how I continue to learn more about me
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
You are trying to TELL her... words she's unlikely to hear or will deny...
If you have been integral around her... if you have set boundaries for yourself... she will know... she will see and sense that... and consistent action, while she could continue to deny as WASs can...
What is happening is... you are sitting on a belief that your words... or your actions... need to be seen by your W and accepted by your W and admired by your W... so she will "come to her senses"...
she may not... ever... no matter what you say OR do...
It's tough, even if you understand the principles...
What you are doing... who you are becoming... is all that matters...
her "coming to her senses" because you are a man that only a fool would leave... that might be a pleasant side effect...
remember... dark is FOR YOU... so that you can get off her roller coaster... ie. protect your emotional well being.
It is not one of those things you have to keep doing, once you finally have the constitution to stay off her roller coaster, in her presence or in communication.
IF you are calm... then leave dark... go to dim...
She will notice the change from dark to N/C...
Question is... unless it's FOR YOU...
will it help...
will it harm...
or will it have no effect...
You don't know unless you try... but remember... if what we are doing IS NOT WORKING... stop doing it and try something else...
Received a fb message from her oldest friend last night (the one I have mentioned before that W hasn’t spoken to for a while) This friend of W’s was also our chief bridesmaid, and is godmother to D14
Message was:
Ohh dear, (W name) has deleted me off fb!
Then another message
I’ve text her and she says she didn’t delete me, I deleted her! Really not sure what is going on, it all seem really odd, bcz I would (as I did) ask why I was deleted, so why she not do that to me.
This follows deleting all of my friends from her fb, then my SIL (which W again said she didn’t delete SIL, but SIL deleted her, which I know is not the case)
So typical avoidance of anyone who does not support her cause, typical MLC
An hour ago I receive a text from W (why now, who knows)
Hi, just wanted to let you know I’m working today, S12 is at MF, D14 is at her friends.
Now, part of me wants to not reply, but part of me says it’s about my kids and I have been missing them, so I want to reply with:
Thanks, however why did you not ask me first yesterday to have them last night and today, I am their father. I have not seen them for over a week as I swapped a previous weekend. I will not swap again, but will have them additional whenever possible.
I think I need more space and distance to not get involved with all this
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Those are the conversations that are familiar to me with my W, regarding the kids' schedules...
I can't say that mentioning my concerns about being "first option" for the kids helped or had no affect...
In the moment, my W will get flustered and I can tell she's working things through her foggy mind and then she'll say something that seems to indicate that she'll make more effort... and then doesn't seem to...
Anyhow, just posting to let you know that I've been there...
It's one of the reasons that I'm going to dim... in order to have a little more communication with my W and have more opportunity to talk to my W about the kids' schedules so that I know when I can jump in and say "I'd like the kids on that day that you are away or working late"... or similar...
