My faith gives me the courage to move forward

[25yearsmlc]

SA

she has seen several L's. She says they informed her that the only way to protect herself is by filing. I accept her words at face value.

But as she states here, She is paralyzed and depressed by her fears.

Rysmom, let's review what we "Know" and what we "THINK"...

You KNOW your approach of doing nothing...has achieved nothing.

I'm not sure exactly what you fear about the future, that isn't already happening...

Aren't we really just talking about facing reality? We all have to learn to accept what is. B/C it is what it is.

Is your fear of filing due to your fear of the loss of all hope? Wouldn't filing simply be a way of recognozing the truth?

I'm pretty darn PRO M...I just think if there's any way to save this-and I'm NOT saying there is...but IF SO,

it's by doing SOMETHING DIFFERENT...

and if the marriage really is over, You filing won't be the reason.

He lives with OW openly and has for a long time.

HE hasn't filed, imo, for financial/legal and or medical reasons.

Not b/c he's not sure he wants out of the marriage.

What do you "KNOW"?

That he lives openly with OW.

That he has said and done NOTHING

to demonstrate even an interest in reconciliation

and no interest in having a relationship with you

aside from talks about your son & generally polite questions about how you are doing.

According to you, he has changed in appearance and behavior. These changes have been going on now for some time.

(btw How old is your h?...)


We "KNOW" you say your lawyers have all told you

that only filing would protect you and your son.

(How will you live on your own when you don't get child support anymore? I thikn it's safe to assume CS will stop when your son leaves the house and he'll leave SOMEDAY... Will you get alimony in that state?)

I cannot "KNOW" what your son feels. But I have raised 3 kids as teens and none of them talked to me the way you say your son has. Ever.


Somehow your behavior is not helping your son's R with you.

He probably sees the R with OW as a healthier R than the one you had with h. That has to hurt. I know...but how can he not see it that way?

You have panic attacks. YIKES!! Get on meds for that. How can your business thrive and support you if that happens? I know, you have tons of fears.

And You resist the truth even when it's in your face.

The pain you feel just seeing OW is the type of pain that is so fresh, so deep, even after 4 years,

that I have to say-- your progress has been terribly slow.

For ME, being that sad for that long, just isn't something I could tolerate.

I'd do whatever it took to get myself out of that kind of pain.

I'd do whatever work on ME that I had to do. I'd see a shrink, I'd get on meds, and GAL asap...

I know this b/c I DID ALL THIS....

remember my list to you of what I'd do to GAL? You said you had printed it out....re read it.

And ask yourself

what if your son saw you as a strong woman who (finally) took charge of her life, and became a happy woman?

Your son wants you to be happy. Your son wants you to be strong. We all do.

What if you met a man online in person AND LIKED HIM???
Some say not to date b/c you are clearly not ready to offer much in a R b/c you are very needy and afraid.

True, your ego is so tattered...they have a point. But you have to do something to change that. It's not magically going to happen.

I worry that you think happiness will "land" on you...or that it can only happen if a man loves you. Which is not going to "land" on you either...

You have to create this. You have to DO something. Take action.

You are not happy and you are acting as if you are not strong.

Personally, I think you are stronger than you know.

You are just letting your fears paralyze you, even when you know,

at some level, that

the paralysis from those fears, is making your worst nightmares MORE likely to come true, not less.

Confronting your fears, despite them, can only help you.

As for your fear of having a break down if your h marries OW, (what's the difference if he marries her? Behaviorally it's identical to what is happening now. Changes nothing "real" in your life.)

A slow process of staying frozen in fear and panic and sadness IS a form of a breakdown...

I think that's what Bond means when he says you are already having one.

Rysmom, what will it take for YOU to change your life?


Please, do it. Are you on medication? If not, Why not?

And please re-read the post I sent you about GAL.

And do what it takes to get yourself out of this misery and into a happier place.

If your m ever was a happy healthy one, as you claim, get back to who you were in that...yes, without your h in it.

Meaning, you don't have to have HIM to be happy. Seriously.

Were you ever happy before you met him?

Go back to who you were then...find yourself again. Rediscover, and recreate who you are.

Life is short. Make it a good one.


And ask yourself again,

what will it take for YOU to change your life???? Aren't we there yet?