It's obvious from her statements that she is going through a tough time. I think she is, in her way, reaching out to you. So, do what you believe is right for you. There is no set-in-stone formula here. At the end of the day, if your goal is to reconcile and restore your marriage, then your door needs to be left not wide open, but at least slightly ajar...you know what I mean? Keep showing tough love so she knows she can't run over you, talk sharp to you and dart in and out of your life (trust me here, that's what I've gone through for 3 years, and it is NO GOOD!). But, this time of separation may very well be showing her what she is missing...you!
I've allowed W to push my buttons for so long, it's hard to break out of that habit and let it all roll off of my back. But I know it is the only way through this mess.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Hang in there, tele. As you told me, time is on our side. We tried to other way and it did not work. Time to let the dust settle and see who is before us when the air clears.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Keep doing what you are doing. Your demeaner is for you so you can remain detached and calm. Her spewing will probably get worse.
That is what I'm seeing from my STBXW. I have been busy dividing personnel property and fun stuff like that. She can easily make the im a crazy b@tch comment to her parents, sister, son, me etc. Whoever is in the way.
It shows you that the anger is coming from her, through her and until that is dealt with it will continue to be so.
"It shows you that the anger is coming from her, through her and until that is dealt with it will continue to be so." (Spirit)
That is absolutely true! WAS like to hold on to that anger, because what else do they have? My H was so angry with ME after HE left, and I was dumbfounded by it. I realized, though, that he was trying to validate to himself and I guess anyone else who would listen why he left. He wanted me to be awful and bitter and mean and a crazy b!tch! I just kept being sweet (or at least didn't engage in the arguing as much as he would have liked), and eventually, he had to let it go. It's hard to argue with/hate someone who gives you no reason.
Keep being sweet, Telemark. Or at least don't engage in the arguing too much. When she starts to push your buttons, tell her when she calms down and can communicate in a calm manner to let you know, and then end the current conversation. Eventually she'll learn she can't treat you like that. And eventually, she will let go of the anger (at least I hope so, for your good as well as for her own).
Telemark, lc4 has a great point. It's hard to shoot an unarmed man. I think your W is doing exactly what lc4 suspects - pushing buttons and trying to get an expected reaction.
You know what you need to do. I know, just easier said than done.
I don't see the harm in apologizing for your words yesterday.
You are correct, it is stressful and I don't know anyone who has gone through this without feeling emotionally drained. You are doing very well at not letting her push your buttons.
Sometimes I think that's what my H is trying to do, ignore me to the point where it drives me crazy and snap and get verbal like I have in the past. I refuse to give in to it.
If it's one thing our WAS's know, is how to push our buttons.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I agree nothing wrong with apologizing for your words. Especially if in the past you didn't. She is trying to push your buttons and she is very angry just like my H. The thing that I can't wrap my head around is how they can be angry. they are the ones doing this so what do they have to be angry about?? I just don't understand but obviously what do I know!!!
Telemark you are doing a great job and I think she is missing you and trying to get you to fight to justify her leaving. Stay calm and focus on you and your kids. Who by the way sound like they are fabulous people! You have done a good job with them. Mine are so little it is hard to know what they will be like as adults love hearing that kids are still so close with parents. I come from a strange family and am hoping that when my boys are adults they will enjoy being with me not doing it out of duty like I do with my mom.
I can feel myself getting a little better at defusing her outbursts...3 or 4 months ago I would have fired back with everything I have.
It just ticks me off that she gives me all of the "don't love you" speeches, has the EA, moves out-which straps both of us financially-and then acts like I'm the bad guy.
Which I know everyone here has put up with at one time or another.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Left the office a little early to look at furniture; need to replace the sofa, kitchen table & chairs and a reading chair.
And the TV and, eventually, the notebook computer I'm using(since she purchased that through her business and now wants that back, also. Fine...).
Argh.
I don't like shopping to begin with. I'd rather look at some pictures, pick something out and order it online or over the phone.
I started to get angry at W while I was looking around...spending money I could use elsewhere on furniture I shouldn't have to buy. It all seems like such a waste.
After I feed the hounds I'll go out and look at electronics. At least they're fun.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
