Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[ericmsant2]

So in ur childhood you felt not good enough and your H reinforced or fed that...I get it. Fine you acknowledged it....great....whoooppppdeeedammmdo.... I am proud of you.

Now.....

Now that you know......

What r you going to do about?

How have you dealt, faced, addressed the problem?

Eric


Eric

[Queen_of_Swords]

Well Eric seeing as this is a recent revelation for me, I haven't yet faced the "problem" at least not with STBX. We (IMHO) barely speak and not about anything substantive these days.

Knowing of it is 50% of the solution. You can't change what you're unaware of. So yes it's a big deal. (I'm not sure you were being sarcastic there or not, I will assume not).

With the other men in my life...
Now that I do know I do this I am alert to it. Now that I do know I can "listen" for those sincere requests without assuming I was the one not heard, and I now comply and realize those requests need to be paid attention to, and are important. Not glossed over and shoo'ed like a minor irritant.

Unless you have a better suggestion? I would welcome it.

[beatrice]

SC I think that making a major breakthrough is wonderful - shows you are a learning person.

I would caution one thing though for all those dealing with MLCers - they do project, so not everything they say is 'wrong' with us is remotely true. They are often talking about themselves. So, as you did, it is a good idea to get another validation.

For example my xh said I was obsessed with money. Actually I came to realise he was talking about him [and OW] in this case, which I only realised after I had spent about six months examining whether it was true or not.

As people have observed elsewhere, believe little of what they say . . .although among the garbage there are some important truths for us. Unlike a WAS, the MLCer is primarily running from themself, not from us. I am not saying we were perfect, but that their problems are eeh major cause for them leaving.

[PEI]

I redouble my efforts! My program pattern...if it doesn't work the first time do it over and work harder, faster, longer, more, more, more!

I'd also suggest that it's not just men you do this with ... go back and read some of your early threads

For me PEI it's not so much the sting as, OMFG I never realised I did that! So that's what you mean!, moment.

For me until that light bulb comes on, it's like; what are you talking about? I really don't "get" it and I believe they're pulling these statements out of their behinds just to criticize me unjustly.

Yeah, call it what you want, but that's basically the "sting" I meant. Basically it just means that we go "Huh, there IS truth to that!!"

Why? Well, that's happened throughout my life as a child - what I did, who I am was never good enough,( even if it was exemplary) that was reinforced over and over to me. So STBX criticisms, although accurate, played right into that huge complicated wound of mine.

Yup, been there, done that. Understanding why is important, for me it was key to change. I had to first see the interaction patterns in my life, but then I also had to examine why I bought into them straight through into my adulthood.

Keep diggin', Scylla ... you're getting there ...

Peace
PEI

[ericmsant2]

Sycalla

I was not being sarcastic. That is not me. I was only suggesting that you now focus on how to change it.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Originally Posted By: Scylla_Charibdis
I redouble my efforts! My program pattern...if it doesn't work the first time do it over and work harder, faster, longer, more, more, more!
Posted in response by: PEIMom_of_3:
I'd also suggest that it's not just men you do this with ... go back and read some of your early threads smile

Oh I know it's not just men I do this with. It's a programmed pattern for my life. Perfectionism, persistence,work/effort being the sum of my worth.

Works when you're trying to survive as a child...doesn't work so well when you are an adult. It makes you successful in may areas but certainly not in the interpersonal arena of life.

PEIMom_of_3 wrote:

Yup, been there, done that. Understanding why is important, for me it was key to change. I had to first see the interaction patterns in my life, but then I also had to examine why I bought into them straight through into my adulthood.

I am the same. It's crucial for me to understand the why before I see what needs to be changed.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am feeling anxious and impatient lately, as anyone that reads what I write probably has figured out.
So instead of requesting a meeting and pouring out my frustration at my STBX, I am going to write what I'm thinking here.

Dear STBX,
I feel tired, frustrated and "done".

We have been separated two years. In that two years I have read over 30 books on relationships, uncounted articles, worked and am still working a program of self improvement to address my issues, and had individual counseling. I am employed and take care of our children.

I am happy with the changes in myself I see, I intend to continue to grow and change for the better and pass the benefits on to our kids and the people whom I love and care for.
Which brings me to this; I believed you were my best friend, my rock, someone I could rely on.

I now know ultimately the only person I can rely upon is me. The only source of power I can draw upon is God.

I loved you with all my heart and being. I still care deeply about you, but it's clear to me that that the love and affection is not reciprocal.

I know I'm not perfect, I know I've hurt you. I sometimes believe just who I am hurts you. I have apologised the best way I know how for all ( to the best of my knowledge) my actions or inactions that have hurt or diminished you. There is nothing more I can do that I have not done or am doing.

I realise that I am worthy of love. I dont NEED validation from you. I really want it, but I'll be just fine if it doesn't happen.

I love myself and who I am still becoming.

I want somoene that will love me as I am, for who I am, flawed as I am, in all the ways a wife is supposed to be wanted, and isn't just tolerating minimal contact with me for the sake of our children.

If your choice is that you no longer wish to share my life, love and cherish me, then my husband that's your loss.

All the best to you,

Your (still) wife

[seeking answers]

SC,

What do you want as an outcome from this letter?

Are you truly done with your H in the sense that if he wanted to come back and R that you would not even consider it?

I'm also getting very close to that 2 year mark. I understand the loneliness of not having someone who loves and cares for you to share your life with.

A 2 year MLC would be considered pretty short in duration. You seemed to have some positives with your last interaction with him. I'm sure he's still processing that. Time is so different for them than for us. I heard this many times and have seen it with my H.

I guess my point is is that MLC takes time. Your H is not done yet. If you truly believe it's time for you to move on then by all means do so.

Why send a letter to him right now that if he bothers to answer back would have the potential to cause you more pain?

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am not sending this letter. I do not expect an outcome of any sort.
I post it here to get it off my mind. Purge it so those thoughts are not bothering me.

If I sent it I would expect more of the same. My STBX does not want to be painted the "bad guy", he will not initiate divorce proceedings. As I see it he want's ME to instigate and take responsibility and the blame for a divorce. From what I've seen he has already blamed me for leaving him ( weirdness, I didn't go anywhere).

I am not done with STBX in the sense that if he truly WANTED to return I would consider it with care.

[Queen_of_Swords]

P.S I have requested a name change.