I am so afraid to go thru that d process. i think i will have a breakdown. If h marrys ow i dont think i could handle it.i need to go to a support group for d i am not doing good lately and my therapist is away til mon. i feel paralyzed with fear over this situation.i dont want to be a victim anymore, but i dont want to be alone for the rest of my life and maybe poor.
thank very much for your reply. I feel i have no one to talk to about my m. I just got a call from my therapist asst. saying she had to cancel our appt for mon. because something happened to her h on vacation. Hope things are going well for you, how is your m going? I received a message on the dating site from a religeous tax attorney that wants to meet me. I would really love to meet a man that has a relationship with God. Although i would love for me, my son, and future generations for my m to work out.
I haven't had a M since my H walked out in Oct. '09 and moved in with the ow. H filed for D in Dec '10. I retained a L and there has been no movement since. Yes, it's my H's D and since he's the one that wants it he'll have to do the heavy lifting. I did, however, take the necessary steps to protect myself and my children.
Just consulting a L to find out your rights is not the same as filing. You may find some peace of mind by doing it.
Please make sure you're done with one R and healed before entering another, otherwise you're just hauling a bunch of baggage into the next. Most healthy people can spot that a mile off and run the other way.
You are the only one that can stop yourself from feeling like a victim. Stand up, face your fears head on and live your life to the fullest.
she has seen several L's. She says they informed her that the only way to protect herself is by filing. I accept her words at face value.
But as she states here, She is paralyzed and depressed by her fears.
Rysmom, let's review what we "Know" and what we "THINK"...
You KNOW your approach of doing nothing...has achieved nothing.
I'm not sure exactly what you fear about the future, that isn't already happening...
Aren't we really just talking about facing reality? We all have to learn to accept what is. B/C it is what it is.
Is your fear of filing due to your fear of the loss of all hope? Wouldn't filing simply be a way of recognozing the truth?
I'm pretty darn PRO M...I just think if there's any way to save this-and I'm NOT saying there is...but IF SO,
it's by doing SOMETHING DIFFERENT... and if the marriage really is over, You filing won't be the reason.
He lives with OW openly and has for a long time.
HE hasn't filed, imo, for financial/legal and or medical reasons.
Not b/c he's not sure he wants out of the marriage.
What do you "KNOW"?
That he lives openly with OW.
That he has said and done NOTHING
to demonstrate even an interest in reconciliation
and no interest in having a relationship with you
aside from talks about your son & generally polite questions about how you are doing.
According to you, he has changed in appearance and behavior. These changes have been going on now for some time.
(btw How old is your h?...)
We "KNOW" you say your lawyers have all told you
that only filing would protect you and your son.
(How will you live on your own when you don't get child support anymore? I thikn it's safe to assume CS will stop when your son leaves the house and he'll leave SOMEDAY... Will you get alimony in that state?)
I cannot "KNOW" what your son feels. But I have raised 3 kids as teens and none of them talked to me the way you say your son has. Ever.
Somehow your behavior is not helping your son's R with you.
He probably sees the R with OW as a healthier R than the one you had with h. That has to hurt. I know...but how can he not see it that way?
You have panic attacks. YIKES!! Get on meds for that. How can your business thrive and support you if that happens? I know, you have tons of fears.
And You resist the truth even when it's in your face.
The pain you feel just seeing OW is the type of pain that is so fresh, so deep, even after 4 years,
that I have to say-- your progress has been terribly slow. For ME, being that sad for that long, just isn't something I could tolerate. I'd do whatever it took to get myself out of that kind of pain.
I'd do whatever work on ME that I had to do. I'd see a shrink, I'd get on meds, and GAL asap... I know this b/c I DID ALL THIS....
remember my list to you of what I'd do to GAL? You said you had printed it out....re read it.
And ask yourself
what if your son saw you as a strong woman who (finally) took charge of her life, and became a happy woman?
Your son wants you to be happy. Your son wants you to be strong. We all do.
What if you met a man online in person AND LIKED HIM??? Some say not to date b/c you are clearly not ready to offer much in a R b/c you are very needy and afraid.
True, your ego is so tattered...they have a point. But you have to do something to change that. It's not magically going to happen.
I worry that you think happiness will "land" on you...or that it can only happen if a man loves you. Which is not going to "land" on you either...
You have to create this. You have to DO something. Take action.
You are not happy and you are acting as if you are not strong.
Personally, I think you are stronger than you know.
You are just letting your fears paralyze you, even when you know,
at some level, that
the paralysis from those fears, is making your worst nightmares MORE likely to come true, not less. Confronting your fears, despite them, can only help you.
As for your fear of having a break down if your h marries OW, (what's the difference if he marries her? Behaviorally it's identical to what is happening now. Changes nothing "real" in your life.)
A slow process of staying frozen in fear and panic and sadness IS a form of a breakdown...
I think that's what Bond means when he says you are already having one. Rysmom, what will it take for YOU to change your life?
Please, do it. Are you on medication? If not, Why not?
And please re-read the post I sent you about GAL.
And do what it takes to get yourself out of this misery and into a happier place.
If your m ever was a happy healthy one, as you claim, get back to who you were in that...yes, without your h in it.
Meaning, you don't have to have HIM to be happy. Seriously.
Were you ever happy before you met him?
Go back to who you were then...find yourself again. Rediscover, and recreate who you are.
Life is short. Make it a good one.
And ask yourself again,
what will it take for YOU to change your life???? Aren't we there yet?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes i will get allimony, a third of his income. My son is staying home for college. h is 53 yrs old. I take natural supplemants for depression because i had chest pain from zoloft and others, and read neg things about them. I met h when i was 18, i had a very dysfunctional home with my mother and i had depression and anxiety problems , and h rescued me from that. I know it was not a healthy relationship, i was very dependent on him and he liked it like that. it was the exact relationship he had with his mother growing up. He likes to take care of, and rescue people. we went thru thick and thin over 30 yrs together. When i started asserting myself in the relationship for my needs, that was when things started going bad. He was a workaholic and i always felt very alone. i couldnt wait for him to get home from work everyday. i loved being with him, he had the greatest sense of humor and would help me deal with any life problems he gave me every material thing but what i wanted was his time but he wouldnt give it to me and i felt taken for granted. He got recharged being around people, and would not be home much, but he was my whole world. so we went to bad therapist going thru her own d and death of a child and she gave us very bad advice to temp separation and that was when h met ow then.
Do you feel as if the natural supplements are as effective as the prescribed ADs?
You believe that when you started to assert yourself your M went downhill because H likes clingy needy women? Are you trying to save your M by acting that way again?
My H is also a workaholic, always has been. I married him knowing that and although there were times that I was lonely I accepted him for what he was. I learned early on that my happiness wasn't dependent on my H, it came from me.
Listen, when our H's walked out the door our M's were dead. That doesn't mean that a new M can't be built with your H at some point if that's what you both want. It's just not going to happen at this point.
Right now you have to deal with the situation at hand. You have to dig down and find your survival instincts and strength to do what you have to do to protect yourself and S. No one else is going to.
Will your H get mad if you file? Probably, especially if he feels entitled to it all. If he's going through money you may actually be protecting him too by filing. There are stories on these boards where the LBS has lost everything and was responsible for 1/2 the huge debt her XH racked up unbeknownst to her.
So do something while you can. Don't let your fear paralyze you to the point of having something even more to fear down the road. Your H is selfish right now and isn't thinking about you. Think about yourself, especially for your son.
There are some contradictions and some insights possible here.
Originally Posted By: rysmom
Yes i will get allimony, a third of his income. My son is staying home for college. h is 53 yrs old. I take natural supplemants for depression because i had chest pain from zoloft and others, and read neg things about them. Don't you get palpitations from the panic attacks that the natural supplements are Not addressing? AND shortness of breath or Chest pain too?
There are anti-anxiety meds that have been out for decades that you may need to try or other ADs...don't give up. You know whatever you are taking isn't working enough. They are for mild symptoms and yours don't sound mild to me.
I met h when i was 18, i had a very dysfunctional home with my mother and i had depression and anxiety problems , and h rescued me from that. Does this^^^ mean you no longer had anxiety or depression?
I know it was not a healthy relationship, i was very dependent on him and he liked it like that. it was the exact relationship he had with his mother growing up. He likes to take care of, and rescue people. we went thru thick and thin over 30 yrs together. So you see that your m was not healthy. Maybe he saw that too. Maybe he just changed or evolved?
When i started asserting myself in the relationship for my needs, that was when things started going bad. He was a workaholic and i always felt very alone. You just said you were unhappy and the marriage was not healthy.
What do you mean when you say you began "asserting" yourself?
Do you mean nagging, crying or guilting? Dig deep...we all make mistakes.
i couldnt wait for him to get home from work everyday. i loved being with him, he had the greatest sense of humor and would help me deal with any life problems Is it safe to say you have not yet learned those skills?
he gave me every material thing but what i wanted was his time but he wouldnt give it to me and i felt taken for granted. He got recharged being around people, and would not be home much, but he was my whole world. Sounds as if you alone didn't meet ALL his social needs. That's normal. And he wanted other people around. Nothing odd there. How did YOU respond to having other people around? Were you threatened by it?
Do you now see that We are not meant to fill ALL of the needs of someone else? It's not healthy and it doesn't often succeed. Case in point...your m
so we went to bad therapist Why did you go to a T in the first place? Whose idea was it? What did your h say at the t? Do you see how blaming her for the 4 years of your h's affair is misplaced?
It keeps you from facing the choices HE has made & is still making every day he chooses to be with OW.
going thru her own d and death of a child and she gave us very bad advice to temp separation and that was when h met ow then.
Why didn't you go to another T? You reconciled before he left again. What happened THEN?
You honestly believe if things had continued as they were, without her...THEN what?
How can that be the case when you also say YOU were unhappy and "always lonely" and the marriage wasn't healthy, very dependent, he wanted other people around...and that's all BEFORE the "bad T" came along.
So back to the real question of the day...
what are YOU going to DO to change your life?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
i went on a date fri for coffee and a walk at a lake. the guy seemed very nice and interested in me. we had a lot in common.he text me after saying he had a nice time and asked if i wanted to meet again today for a walk but it was raining so he asked if i wanted to go for dinner. i said ok, so we went to a decent italian restaurant and it went well, he gave me a hug good bye. during dinner he asked if i had a facebook acct. and to friend him. so when i got home i went to his page and he had about 120 friends and i noticed a lot of them were attractive woman. only friends can see my acct. im not allowing him to. i think this guy is a player i do not want to get hurt im not doing this anymore. doesnt that seem like a player with all those woman on there. he is divorced with a 13 yr old son. he said his ex cheated on him and hes been d for 4 yrs.
