I hold myself to a pretty high standard, have a tendency to be a perfectionist. I figure I did a really good job a couple of weeks ago - why can't I do that again? I haven't figured that one out. Maybe I should just go back to that stuff somehow.. listening, pma, reflecting and clarifying - Just shut up about how I feel for now.
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Get work. I see you are trying to find a good job that you'll be good at and will be on a career path, etc. But can you get something "in the meantime" to bring in some income, allay money fears, spruce up your apartment, not do spousal support (do you really need it?) and get on your feet a little?
Working on this. I'm going at both ends -- trying to land gigs that would be good, and also trying to get some temp work or something that would just cover my bills. A couple recruiters contacted me re: tech jobs, but I suspect they just batch that stuff every week depending on whose names pop up. Either way, sent my resume along.
It isn't a financial dependency on her - its more just another stressor in my life - I want to move but without a job its hard to get a lease. I also would prefer to move relatively close to a job. I never really took much in the way of money from her.. she certainly didn't give me any!!
But yes - getting work is an important part of my 'master plan' at the moment. I wish I had taken the time to learn more computer stuff - it bores me a bit but I am a quick study at it, and it pays a lot better than stocking shelves @ target.
Incidentally, I saw her credit card statement and holy schnikeys.. she is spending like a drunken sailor. to put this in a little perspective.. we earned, combined, 37K last year. Her CC bill was around 3700 this month!! I worry a little that she is spending like a drunken sailor to compensate for something.
Spousal support - I don't want to need it. I don't want to feel reliant on her and I want to have my own income source. As far as I'm concerned its an option but only if it really comes down to it.
I expect that dark may be the de facto mode of things once she gets her stuff. I would be surprised if she contacted me before her trip to europe (maybe on my b-day..) and then she's out of country for a month or so.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
I think the moving out might be causing you to become a little unhinged which is why you're more emotional lately. It's all okay, though. I don't think you messed anything up really.
On 37K how much support would you really be getting from her? I think this is one thing I'll say I would strongly recommend you don't seek from her - at all. It's something she cited as a reason for leaving (I believe, right - about your work) and so I'd just find work before I'd ask for that support.
It seems you're trying to get something from her to compensate for something - spousal support, talking about the mattress or what she's taking. Let all that go-
I think her being in europe might be some kind of relief for you. I'm relieved now that I know my BF is in a hotel, and I can get a real bonafide break - no pressure on me to db or show him this or that. He's just gone for a while and comes to see D but its given me some peace.
Try reframing stuff when you can.
And as far as her spending, that's her problem - maybe if she's moving she had to incur more expenses this month? Either way - nothing you need to worry about now.
Funny, my bf changed his cc statements from coming here before he even moved out. Who knows what that means. Don't care actually.
I think the moving out might be causing you to become a little unhinged which is why you're more emotional lately. It's all okay, though. I don't think you messed anything up really.
Well - it's just moving stuff. She has been out of the apartment for almost 3 months now.
I think the L and I worked it out to be about $900 a month for 24 months. For me, that's significant money. She actually hasn't cited much reason for leaving other than "ILYBINILWY" and then "I just knew that I'd feel the same after going through couples therapy" and then "I don't love you. I like you. But I don't love you"
She has stated recently that she wanted an 'equal' and a 'partner' in her marriage. I think this is using fancy words to define some other set of expectations or ideas. I think what she doesn't want to say is "You got depressed and didn't do much of anything for a year or so.. you were a PITA to be around and I felt like it reflected poorly on me to be M to you." Thats my guess, though.. not necessarily what she really thinks.
Today is going to be a challenge. I know this. No illusions about it - but I think I can do this. I can hold onto myself and just stay collected.
The spending is all Anthropologie and Restaurants - very little moving stuff. But you are right, it's not my problem right now.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
So if you collectively earned 37k p/y you are entitled to $900 a month? ... I'm just curious b/c I thought alimony was after you'd been married 7 years - but that's in our state; I never heard of "spousal support" -
I just think ... I don't know - it's hard to turn down 22K but ... do you think that would be serving you in the end? Your goal to GAL and DB and be seen as on your toes and living life and independent? I could be wrong - but that's just my take.
I'm thinking about you today. I know this is so hard. I know she's been moved out for 3 months now, but this somehow makes it more real and I think that could have been where the emotions got escalated - though, again, be in the moment. Try to see if you can smile through it a bit.
Oh, and if you think your WAW is in any way "love avoidant" - this book is HUGELY giving me insight (the one I mentioned) into my R with my WABF
I just think ... I don't know - it's hard to turn down 22K but ... do you think that would be serving you in the end? Your goal to GAL and DB and be seen as on your toes and living life and independent? I could be wrong - but that's just my take.
No - I think this is accurate. It 'looks better' if I don't need it. It looks even better if i can get a gig that earns way more than that. I'm working on it - got an e-mail from another recruiter today asking me if had experience with a video-game creating application. Unfortunately, I don't - but it feels good to have contact coming in.
I actually think my WAW pursues love quite a bit. I just think she has some fantasy-like notions about what love means. I am going to look into the concept a little bit, though. Thanks for bringing it up.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
