Well it has been 10 months and who would have thought I would be here today.
I will say this much, a lot has changed and a lot has remained the same.
We shall call this one Blame….
It is the common theme we all share when we first come here looking for answers. In an attempt to show repentance and seek forgiveness we carry the heavy load and do it while our shoulders crumble under the weight.
We cry.......
We beg.......
We plead.......
We pray.........
We become so desperate that in our desperation we lose sight of the truth. We become blinded by guilt and shame.
Now I will never argue the fact that some have greater “sins” in the M than others but I believe for the most part our transgressions are all the same. It makes little difference to us because our sins become magnified and for a long time all they seem to do is grow as we wrestle with the reality that our M, life and future dreams are quickly vanishing. In the words of others and even in their grief we find solace.
It is not until we begin to heal and realize the reality that our clouded glasses are removed and we see clearly. This process takes some time yet some will remove the glasses too quickly and all they do is shift the blame from one person to the next. Instead of saying ‘it was all me’ they say ‘she/he made me do it so in reality it is all them’ IMO I don’t think this is helpful for the overall process.
It must be slow, deliberate, and exercised with a certain degree of patience and self-reflection.
Marriage is a sacred union between husband and wife, which is meant to last for a life time. However, today marriages end as quickly as they begin, and partners move on, leaving a trail of hurt and brokenness behind.
Marriages do not fail because the couple falls out of love. There is no such thing as falling out of love. If you truly love someone, you will always love them. If you are convinced that you no longer love your spouse, then my response is that you never loved them in the first place. You were probably infatuated, swept off your feet by romance, dazzled by thoughts of happiness, but never really knowing your spouse well enough to love them.
Just some of the reasons marriages fail:
1. Poor communication skills
2. Lack of commitment
3. Failure to nurture love in its various forms
4. Lack of spiritual unity or direction
5. Lack of ability to cope with the changes in life
6. Inability to deal with skeletons of the past
I believe what MWD says about our WAS rewriting history but one very important aspect that is left out is that we as LBS also rewrite our own history.
Especially when things are the most painful it’s almost impossible not to idealize our WAS. In fact, the more pain you are in, the MORE likely you are to think about how great things were. If your break up was sudden and you're still dealing with trying to accept it, or if they left you and they are ALREADY with someone else; then this just amplifies the intensity of the broken heart and the pain we are feeling.
Without you knowing it, your mind starts to rewrite history. This is why so many LBS stay hung up on a WAS that has long since moved on (myself included). This is why we will keep justifying and rationalizing to our WAS why we think we should stay together. And this is why we keep trying to get back together with our WAS even after they cheated or started dating other people or have already filed and seemed determined to see it through. It's because the pain we are in clouds our mind and elevates everything we remember about our WAS.
When dealing with the pain of what we ALL have gone through our mind distorts how things actually felt with them. The "distortion" just becomes more vivid the more heartbroken you are, and we start to think about all the things about them that were so great. So all the little things you remember about them start to take a new meaning. The history the two of you have and the connection the two of you had that you can't get anywhere else. It’s so easy to see only those things... And remember the entire relationship as if it was only that.
This is in no way intended to imply that you should NOT try and save your marriage or to not do anything you feel you must to save it, but rather to think outside of how we normally would.
Some people fall into the trap of believing that staying together is largely about having found the perfect spouse or not having difficulties. Because of these beliefs, many WAS are dismayed when they are confronted by the inevitable conflict and troubles that arise in their marriage. They conclude that they must be different than other couples who they assume don't have these types of problems and they begin to consider that their problems are an indication that they are not with the right person or that they would be happier with someone else.
The truth of the matter is not that couples who stay together have fewer problems; it is that they realize that every relationship will have these areas of incompatibility and disagreements. The key is that spouses in life-long marriages recognize that their relationship is more important than any problems they may have. In these marriages, both spouses work at getting themselves on the same side in finding solutions to their troubles or finding ways so that their troubles don't matter as much.
As LBS we often believe that they left because of what we did, said, or how we behaved and I believe in most cases our WAS believe that troubled marriages almost never get better. When our WAS start experiencing the hurt and frustration of marital difficulties, it is easy to believe that they have only two options with their marriage- get out and be happy or stay with it and be miserable.
However, I think careful consideration reveals that these are only two of the potential paths a person can take with their marriage. For many couples who work through their marital difficulties, the times of difficulty in their past help them more fully appreciate the times of goodness in the present and future. We can self-reflect till the cows come home but it does not take away from the fact that if we failed to fulfill some need in our spouse the chances were good that our own needs were not being met.
I look at a marriage of say 15 years; can you say that for 15 years the husband was not fulfilling the wife or the wife the husband? The problems began when one person faltered and stopped filling the other person’s needs. Now you can take two approaches here begin to keep score of how you are being wronged OR acknowledge the fact that your spouse is falling short and try to find the cause. It is in fact unconditional love, to love them while they do not love you, and by doing so you fulfill your own needs because I contend that your spouse will naturally begin to gravitate towards you.
These are just some of the thoughts that have been going through my head the last few weeks after the contact between my X and I increased. I could not think of a better place or group of friends to share them with than you folks.
In some small way I hope it helps some of you deal with your loss and the blame you place on yourself and make some sense of your emotions. It has helped me….
