Just Be 2

[Denver_2010]

it usually looks petty and seems like what I imagine the "old Denver" would do...

Ayep.

D I see frustration and probably deservedly so.

You are certainly not doing yourself any favors by your exchanges with W (or non exchanges)

When you ignore her what do you feel? Comfort? Vengeance? Spite?

Not communicating IS communicating just make sure it is what you want to communicate.

And what is that exactly?

CS, Gritter, 25 -

I guess that what I am saying is that W is going to have to come to me and be SURE about what she wants at this point.

I am done letting her draw me back into whatever it is that she is going through right now.

When she is unambiguous about the fact that she wants our M and wants to be with me... then she and I have something to talk about.

I may be here... I may not. Right now, I am living my life... or at least trying to.

I don't feel that I ignored her text messages today at all. I didn't immediately respond to them, but I DID respond.

No, I didn't answer some of her direct questions, such as whether or not I'm 'seeing that woman'. But to me, this falls into the category of 'bait'. It is bait to get me into R talk. And I won't do it right now. I don't want it right now. The ONLY way that I want it is IF and WHEN she is ready to get serious about how WE are going to fix this.

I also need to make clear that I was very pleasant with her today. The old Denver would have been very p!ssed off about the cell phone bill being $200 the norm... I told W today ... 'I'm not upset. It is what it is. It is just money'. And I meant it. I don't let myself get worked up over stuff like that anymore. I don't.

So I think that I am continuing to show some of the changes that I really have made for myself over the past 9 months.

Of course I am not done and have not given up. Someone made the point that I would not have posted with so much detail if I were. I have never said that I don't want to fix my M. I still do. But I AM done letting my happiness ride on my W's every single word and action.

CS and MHL... I have been crystal clear with my W about what I want. I have been since day 1. If me wanting space until she figures her sh!t out is giving her mixed signals, then I guess that's just a consequence of W's actions. I'm done telling her over and over that I want her and I want a great M with her. She KNOWS this.

I told her in July that I would not be here forever. I think that my mixed signals may be putting a little reality into that statement. Because it is the reality... I won't be here forever.

MHL - you told me a few weeks ago that I needed to stop having contact with my W. You said, why do you keep having contact with someone who is causing you pain... or something to that effect.

Well, THAT is the advice that I am taking now.

Gritter - I am still in the fight. Having OW in my life may be showing a chink in my armor... a weakness I suppose. But it is helping find a bit of the mojo that I have needed to find for a long time. I'm going to have to deal with that R at some point I'm sure. And yes, there is a very good chance that OW will get hurt. Valeska pointed out that she doesn't believe that OW is cool with this just being a casual R. She may be right. I don't know. But I am concerned about it... which is why I try to be as honest as I possibly can be.

At the same time, OW and I ARE enjoying each other's company. We have fun together. I guess that I'm not sure that I see the harm in that. And OW is making me think about myself and my M and what I need from my W if there is reconciliation. Is it a crutch for me right now? Probably. As Dantes points out, I need to be honest with myself about that. I am.

And Gritter... I am able to look myself in the mirror. I have learned SO much over the past 9 months. I have fought for my W and for my M like I've never fought for anything in my life. I've taken responsibility for my role in the breakdown of my M. I've held myself accountable. And I've put it all out here for everyone to see. I'm proud of my work here. It IS a work in progress... but as is said here often, it is a journey. However, I know that I am better than I was before I came here.

ahhh... good times.

BITS
Denver