Don't be so hard on yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Compassion.
You are human. This was a betrayal. A huge breech of trust. This is NOT an easy thing - by any means - to go through.
Give yourself that space.
Relax.
Some people shoot their WAS over this kind of stuff. You're doing good.
One thing I wanted to say last night reading your posts - well - a few things - but this is for later - after you get through tomorrow.
Go dark for a while. Focus on you again. Not her. Get work. I see you are trying to find a good job that you'll be good at and will be on a career path, etc. But can you get something "in the meantime" to bring in some income, allay money fears, spruce up your apartment, not do spousal support (do you really need it?) and get on your feet a little? - I said this before but there sounds like there's some emotional dependence on her or ... it seems to be coming out with work/financial independence (I see it in you b/c I have the same thing going on).
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That's that.
But beyond that back to now - be really compassionate with yourself. Take that inner child that's freaking out and soothe. Soothe. Smile. Lay on the couch. Comfort and soothe. Know this is hard, and we all blurt things out we don't mean to.
I've been doing it for like a year. Ha. Great. You will get a better handle on that once all of your emotions have settled down.
Also - much as I haaaaaate this title - the book Facing Love Addiction - giving yourself the power to change the way you love - is a good book. Nothing I'd have ever picked up - but our MC recommended it and I like the theory behind it. Better boundaries, etc. Might just want to pick it up - a lot of it I have to dismiss b/c I'm not that love-addicted - but my partner is love avoidant (I'm a little more on the love addicted side) and it's insightful.
Anyway. hang in there - you ARE truly doing great in all respects.
