Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[LearningPatience]

aeolian,
my 1st W and I were together over 12 years. After our D, I went through our copious photo albums and made copies for myself. Except... any pics with her in them I didn't copy.

Now, years down the road I realize that this was a mistake. I have very few pics of someone who was an integral part of my live for over a decade. My wife, lover, best friend. The mother of my boys.

What I'm trying to say is don't let your present feelings get in the way of your shared memories. You *will* look back on all the great memories you've had.

[aeolianchaos]

So you tried blame and guilt again huh?
Has it worked before?
Maybe next time?

I know. I don't want to do it. It's like I'm addicted.. I don't even recognize that I'm doing it until after the fact. I tell myself I'm going to be calm and upbeat and collected - but then something will pop out that I regret almost instantly.

I DONT want to be someone who uses guilt to get their way.

I DONT want to be someone who uses shame or blame to get their way.

I DONT want to be with someone only out of fear.

I DO want to be with someone because the best things about me wants to be with them.

I DO want to be with someone because the best things about them wants to be with me.

I also made a joke about the veggies because she had signed us up for this CSA literally 2 days before she told me about the A and bailed. I wasn't saying it to be mean - I just thought it was weird that she did that. But, it was at her expense. It makes her look like a spaz and probably makes her think that I feel she is stupid. This was an issue in our M. I would say things that she would interpret as making her feel stupid. I didn't always mean to, but I nkow ti came across that way.

Why am I such an @ss sometimes? I can't figure out what the heck I'm thinking when I start to go down that road..

I sincerely don't want to be - I'm trying not to be. I want to be the strong, powerful, motivated, upbeat, compassionate, joyful, thoughtful person who would push himself to grow and improve. I just get caught up with it and start to say things that are clearly counterproductive.

And Tomorrow - well, I'm dreading it on some level. I have some real anxiety about it.

I was at the coffee shop doing some reflecting and guess who pops in with her friend - WAW. A little weird, but I just smiled and said "oh hey what are you doing here?" to WAW and gave her friend a hug - haven't seen her in about 3 years. I like her - she was always good towards me, and I have yet to see a reason to dislike her. I understand she is helping her friend here, and this isn't about me. She is in town to help WAW get her stuff out of the apartment.

Her other friend, though -- grr.. I distrust her, and with plenty of reason. My ego is going to need to really just.. let it go.. so I can be chill around all of this. A part of me feels like I'm making this harder on myself than I need it to be.

[aeolianchaos]

Now, years down the road I realize that this was a mistake. I have very few pics of someone who was an integral part of my live for over a decade. My wife, lover, best friend. The mother of my boys.

I have pictures. And, as I said, I have the DVD with 600 photos from the wedding. There are other photos around here, I'm sure. We don't have any kids together.

For me, I feel like it is the experience of all those great memories I had that gives me pain right now. I don't need the pictures to recall the experiences - so many wonderful experiences and so many meaningful times together. Yet the cost of that pleasure is the pain of the loss right now. I don't see why I would hang on to those memories in their physical form, schlepping them around with me from place to place, with the idea that some day I might want to relive those moments.

I know I will always carry a part of her inside of me - in the metaphorical sense - and I can't throw away the pictures in my mind, which are far more vivid than the snapshots of the moment could ever be.

What I'm trying to say is don't let your present feelings get in the way of your shared memories. You *will* look back on all the great memories you've had.

I see what you are saying, and I appreciate it. This is a hard decision for me, in some ways. For the most part, I am just trying to avoid anymore unnecessary pain in my heart and head. I will write more on this in a separate post -- I find myself grappling with this. I may snag a few choice photos and put them in a box or something.. but the bulk of them, she can have.

[aeolianchaos]

I'm struggling with something.

I want to be the best A.C. That I can be. I really do. I want to be the strong, powerful, resolved, empathic, joyful, light, funny, compassionate, intelligent, good natured, confident, well balanced, charismatic, philosophical, nurturing, soulful person that I know I'm capable of being. I want to speak and act from the place that sees my own worth and doesn't need to make other people believe it for it to be real. The part that looks at myself and sees my value and potential.

But I am stuck on an issue that is really buggin me:

WAW has every right to make her life the way she wants it.

I have every right to make mine the way I want it.

She has chosen (at this point) to make her life without me in it as her husband. This is within her rights.
- She talks about her fear of losing me as her best friend. As the person who knows her better than anyone in the world. The person who she grew up with for the past decade.

But I have every right to choose not to have her in my life as a friend. This is within my rights.

But I don't know which choice I would respect myself more by making.

Certainly, a big part of this is the feeling that she gets to have it both ways. She never has to experience really missing me from her life if she knows I'll still be there as her friend.

If I'm friendly now, it is kind of weird to just disconnect completely if and when the D is final. If she is sincere about her fears of losing me as her friend, this will probably hurt her some.

If I'm friendly now and remain friendly, I'm probably in for a world of pain if and when the D is final and if and when she gets a new man in her life. It isn't as if the legal document actually changes the fact that I love this woman and want to be with her. And that we were together for a long time.

If I'm not friendly now, what good will it do me? It doesn't reflect who I am. It doesn't make me happy to be that way with anyone. It doesn't reflect the kind of person I want to be.

I can be friendly/warm/kind but it kind of makes completely dropping out of her life a little weird, doesn't it?

But I have to protect my own heart. Am I wrong to want to dodge the pain of being connected to her when I still love her and she just moves on in her life? Am I selling myself out by choosing to dodge something I could confront? Isn't this what I kvetch about her doing? I'm a hypocrite, if this is the case.

Am I setting up a situation with firm walls where it needs to be ambiguous? Am I solidifying something to my disadvantage when to leave it malleable and unstable could be the better path, potentially?

[LearningPatience]

You can be *friendly* without being a *friend*. Think of her as a co-worker, or the kid you sat next to in math class in 9th grade. Or at least *act* like you think of her that way.

Certainly, a big part of this is the feeling that she gets to have it both ways. She never has to experience really missing me from her life if she knows I'll still be there as her friend.

If I'm friendly now, it is kind of weird to just disconnect completely if and when the D is final. If she is sincere about her fears of losing me as her friend, this will probably hurt her some.

I understand the feeling that if you are nice and friendly, you are letting her cake-eat. But if that's who you are, be you. I think it's a normal part of all of us, in this situation, to think that the other person should suffer like we do. But, if we *truly* care about the other person, why would we want them to suffer? It's the pain and fear in us lashing out.

Don't worry if losing you hurts her, that is her pain to live with. You have your own.

Someone on the board (it was probably 25, she has all the cool sayings) said the only way through this is through it. It hurts. Right now, don't worry if you will be friends down the line. That's for later. You don't have to make that decision now.

[aeolianchaos]

I understand the feeling that if you are nice and friendly, you are letting her cake-eat. But if that's who you are, be you. I think it's a normal part of all of us, in this situation, to think that the other person should suffer like we do. But, if we *truly* care about the other person, why would we want them to suffer? It's the pain and fear in us lashing out.

I don't want her to suffer. I want her to be happy - but i want myself to be happy, too. I keep reacting to her and letting myself get unhappy when I really don't need to.

I know its mind-reading, but I don't think she is nearly as happy as she acts like she is. I think that deep down inside she rejects herself constantly. Total mind reading, but its based on everything I've observed and things she has said. Doesn't matter, though.

I appreciate you chiming in LP, I'm more than a little stressed about this whole thing tomorrow, and am still trying to figure out exactly how I'm going to handle it.

[direction1]

There are always two voices at war in our heads, positive and negative. Which one do you think will win?? The one you feed!

So, keep feeding and detach as best you can from outcome. This one can be hard, but soo effective when exercised.

We all can relate to having the best intentions then when seeing waw, all intent goes to he11. At each encounter with waw, tell yourself,"I want to feel good." Then, get out of your own way by stayng out of your head...and give positivity through good feelings.

[ESN]

Aeoli

A few things:

Don't be so hard on yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Compassion.

You are human. This was a betrayal. A huge breech of trust. This is NOT an easy thing - by any means - to go through.

Give yourself that space.

Relax.

Some people shoot their WAS over this kind of stuff. You're doing good.

One thing I wanted to say last night reading your posts - well - a few things - but this is for later - after you get through tomorrow.

Go dark for a while.
Focus on you again. Not her.
Get work. I see you are trying to find a good job that you'll be good at and will be on a career path, etc. But can you get something "in the meantime" to bring in some income, allay money fears, spruce up your apartment, not do spousal support (do you really need it?) and get on your feet a little? - I said this before but there sounds like there's some emotional dependence on her or ... it seems to be coming out with work/financial independence (I see it in you b/c I have the same thing going on).

--------

That's that.

But beyond that back to now - be really compassionate with yourself. Take that inner child that's freaking out and soothe. Soothe. Smile. Lay on the couch. Comfort and soothe. Know this is hard, and we all blurt things out we don't mean to.

I've been doing it for like a year. Ha. Great. You will get a better handle on that once all of your emotions have settled down.

Also - much as I haaaaaate this title - the book Facing Love Addiction - giving yourself the power to change the way you love - is a good book. Nothing I'd have ever picked up - but our MC recommended it and I like the theory behind it. Better boundaries, etc. Might just want to pick it up - a lot of it I have to dismiss b/c I'm not that love-addicted - but my partner is love avoidant (I'm a little more on the love addicted side) and it's insightful.

Anyway. hang in there - you ARE truly doing great in all respects.

[ESN]

Just because she's moving her stuff out of the apartment tomorrow, doesn't mean it's over.

[ESN]

Also, on the friend thing - you're overthinking it.

Here's what I did with exBF - (he is an "ex" now) or a WABF -

I said, "I'm going to hate you for a while. I haven't had time to process. I need space. I too would like to be friends and good parents to our D. Right now I need my space."

And that's the truth. No pressure on me to be the perfect ex in all this. It's honest. I'm deeply angry at him for walking away from our family and that is NORMAL. I'm allowed that. And I'm also allowed to grieve and get my space like a normal human being. And I can come back better - and be his friend. Just not now.