What was your H's childhood like? I truly believe who we choose to marry all ties in with the family of origin.
Thank God we can change the dynamics by dealing with the baggage left from the FOO. We do that by recognizing those issues, making the connections and then setting about ways to change that within ourselves. That understanding was one of the gifts I received from my H's MLC.
I believe the MLCer doesn't have the ability to recognize those connections before or at the time of the MLC. They react to the external feelings because they do not have any idea that the real issues for why they're feeling the way they are, were there long before they ever met us.
Tina, I was in a similar situation, in some ways. Although my X worked reasonably hard, his position of choice was not financially lucrative. I basically handled all the bills and paid for some very nice luxuries for him, like membership to a health club. He also had a lot more spare time and laid around complaining about his miserable life.
When he left, he was astonished that I immediately canceled teh credit card. He was furious. Not my problem.
I started to treat myself. I hadn't bought new clothes for a long time. I bought jewelry, I bought stuff just for fun. I realized a big part of me was submerged and I didn't treat myself very well. I paid for babysitters so I could go out and have fun.
What if you took the money for your H's health club and announced you are doing something for YOU?
X needed to grow up and I realize that in some ways, I made things too easy for him.
At the moment, X is nearly bankrupt and I worry for him. The situation is very different now as his OW is long gone, but at the same time, his problems are not mine. What I hope for from him is some maturity and wisdom and the recognition that he is responsible for his own happiness. Somewhere along the line--I don't know how--I got assigned the Make X Happy project. It was basically a doomed project.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I too neglected myself. If i didn't need it, i didn't buy it. I also went shopping for a brand new wardrobe because i had lost 40 lbs. NEED IT! Made me feel better. I don't go overboard but i do spoil myself here and there. Restaurant night with the kids, activities, hicking is one of our favorite activity and provincial parks are the best,inexpensive and patroled in case of emerg. This year, i bought a trailer at a camp ground close to where we live. We go there often as our get away. LOVE IT!
I too neglected myself. If i didn't need it, i didn't buy it. I also went shopping for a brand new wardrobe because i had lost 40 lbs. NEED IT! Made me feel better. I don't go overboard but i do spoil myself here and there. Restaurant night with the kids, activities, hicking is one of our favorite activity and provincial parks are the best,inexpensive and patroled in case of emerg. This year, i bought a trailer at a camp ground close to where we live. We go there often as our get away. LOVE IT!
SPOIL YOURSELF A BIT, you're worth it!
After I lose 40 pounds I am going to get rid of my entire wardrobe and buy all new everything! I haven't bought MYSELF nice clothes in decades! Other than the bare minimum for work. Which isn't much because I work from home over half the time!
H50 W44 M 4 D 29 D 28 D 26 S 22 S 20 D 17 S 15 S 5 D 3 1st Bomb 4/2009 Separated 2/2009 4 months 2nd Bomb 6/11 Separated 7/11 to ???
What was your H's childhood like? I truly believe who we choose to marry all ties in with the family of origin.
Thank God we can change the dynamics by dealing with the baggage left from the FOO. We do that by recognizing those issues, making the connections and then setting about ways to change that within ourselves. That understanding was one of the gifts I received from my H's MLC.
I believe the MLCer doesn't have the ability to recognize those connections before or at the time of the MLC. They react to the external feelings because they do not have any idea that the real issues for why they're feeling the way they are, were there long before they ever met us.
That's why the LBS is so far ahead of the MLCer.
Keep digging Tina!
My husband was the last of 4 children of a single mother who worked as a nurse's aid. His father kept two families in the same city, never married either woman. He would rotate between the families and bring the children to play with the other group of children. Or he would disappear altogether, for weeks or months at a time. There may have been a third or fourth woman, or a series of them. No one is sure. By the time my husband was 12 or so, he rarely saw his father.
He was never overly abusive to my husband, but my husband's dad did beat his mother brutally. This generally precipitated him leaving. My husband remembers at the age of 8 or 9, trying to help his bleeding mother off the floor. As he got older and his father was around less and less, my husband was put in an inappropriate "man of the house" role by his mother. Alternatively, she would leave him with his grandmother for weeks at a time when a new man was courting her. When that didn't work, he'd be back home with mom and mom would lean on him as her little man.
When we got married (he was 46), he had been out of the city for many years, and his mom loved having her little man back. She was truly in pitiful health, and would call all hours of the day and night and expect him to drop everything and go get her something to eat and bring it to her. Or pick her up something at the store. Or drive her somewhere. This was a DAILY occurrence up until she went into a nursing home 3 out of our 4 years together.
H50 W44 M 4 D 29 D 28 D 26 S 22 S 20 D 17 S 15 S 5 D 3 1st Bomb 4/2009 Separated 2/2009 4 months 2nd Bomb 6/11 Separated 7/11 to ???
This should be a goal for tomorrow. Go out and buy yourself one outfit. Don't go overboard now because you might not fit it next month. hihihi!
HAHA I should! I am so frugal, I don't want to buy a new outfit because I hope it won't fit next month! But I have literally spent years not buying clothes sometimes because "I'm on a diet"! LOL you'd think I'd know me better by now!
Of course, I never hesitate to buy nice clothes for anyone in my family....
H50 W44 M 4 D 29 D 28 D 26 S 22 S 20 D 17 S 15 S 5 D 3 1st Bomb 4/2009 Separated 2/2009 4 months 2nd Bomb 6/11 Separated 7/11 to ???
