Just Be 2

[MHL]

Denver,

First, I hesitate to post more to you because your thread grows like wildfire, and I know I am part of that

guess we are all captivated by what seems to be a wayward spouse that wants to come back however the road is bumpy and it is certainly not clear.

The Bumpy part is the nature of the beast and she knows that, however I am not sure that you do........piecing is going to be hard if you get there, I think you can, however what peicing will look like for you is impacted by what you are doing and saying now.

As for the "clear" part of the road back..........you are the one that is making it hard for her to see.

That is where you communicate clearly and lovingly what it is that you want and what it is that you need along the way, then let her decide.

She soooo bad wants you to be the MAN and show her the way, not force her but show her the path so she can decide.

IMO, I don't think that it was ever really communicated clearly to her what you needed in order to "work on things", additionally she never really committed to working on things....

but you guys carried on anyways, hurting each other along the way.

Now you have your catalyst to really leave her alone and she is the one seeking some clarification and you are now the one sending mixed signals.

Telling her this VVVVVVVV.

At this point, I need space too.

and then dating your OW is a mixed signal.

You are now doing the same thing to her.

Let me translate what you said to her..........

I want to date this other woman for a while.......so can you leave me alone while I do this thing I want to do for me? I am sure you can understand.

W: "Ok I will. I've been thinking about you the last few days. Feel like we should've talked more after that night at SIL's"

I did NOT respond.

I understand why you did not respond but does she???

That behavior is part of a "boundary" (I shudder to bring that word back into your thread) to protect you from getting hurt by her actions and words while she is undecided.

She is not aware of the boundary so you just come off looking like a jerk when you don't respond.

And if it is not a boundary then it is just mean and you are still coming of like a jerk.

I am not calling you a jerk, just telling you that you are making yourself look like one.

W: "I don't know what i want. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I love you and miss you. I'd like to know we'd be ok, but I don't know.

If you remove the OW from the picture..........this would have been a perfect opportunity to tell her exactly what you want and need.

W, I miss and love you too. I completely understand that you are unsure about us, there are no guarantees. I think that it would take a lot of work and I am willing to do what it takes however it hurts me when you have contact with the OM. I can not work on us if there is any contact with him at all. (Let her figure that one out, not you.) When you are ready to try I would welcome the opportunity to sit down with you and talk about what we need from each other in order for that to happen. Until that time I cannot have casual contact with you as it hurts me while you are undecided, I am sure you can understand.

I think I posted something similar to that about 2 months ago before the OW came into the picture.

If you had said that to her right after the toilet incident and then really had left her alone...........where do you think you might be today??????

so that was 2 months wasted, and now you are going to put things on hold again for how long????

I will try to end yet another ridiculously long post with this......

It is so apparent that you are not done with you W or your M otherwise you would not be posting all the details of this interaction.

Furthermore you would not be drafting two or three responses to a text she sent you.......right???

Be honest with yourself first.......and then be honest with your W when you figure it out.

If you need figure out how you feel about your wife and your marriage while you are with another woman.......

How does that make you any different than your wife being with the OM while she figures her sh!t out????

Hope this helps.

Cheers