Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[aeolianchaos]

So you tried blame and guilt again huh?
Has it worked before?
Maybe next time?

I know. I don't want to do it. It's like I'm addicted.. I don't even recognize that I'm doing it until after the fact. I tell myself I'm going to be calm and upbeat and collected - but then something will pop out that I regret almost instantly.

I DONT want to be someone who uses guilt to get their way.

I DONT want to be someone who uses shame or blame to get their way.

I DONT want to be with someone only out of fear.

I DO want to be with someone because the best things about me wants to be with them.

I DO want to be with someone because the best things about them wants to be with me.

I also made a joke about the veggies because she had signed us up for this CSA literally 2 days before she told me about the A and bailed. I wasn't saying it to be mean - I just thought it was weird that she did that. But, it was at her expense. It makes her look like a spaz and probably makes her think that I feel she is stupid. This was an issue in our M. I would say things that she would interpret as making her feel stupid. I didn't always mean to, but I nkow ti came across that way.

Why am I such an @ss sometimes? I can't figure out what the heck I'm thinking when I start to go down that road..

I sincerely don't want to be - I'm trying not to be. I want to be the strong, powerful, motivated, upbeat, compassionate, joyful, thoughtful person who would push himself to grow and improve. I just get caught up with it and start to say things that are clearly counterproductive.

And Tomorrow - well, I'm dreading it on some level. I have some real anxiety about it.

I was at the coffee shop doing some reflecting and guess who pops in with her friend - WAW. A little weird, but I just smiled and said "oh hey what are you doing here?" to WAW and gave her friend a hug - haven't seen her in about 3 years. I like her - she was always good towards me, and I have yet to see a reason to dislike her. I understand she is helping her friend here, and this isn't about me. She is in town to help WAW get her stuff out of the apartment.

Her other friend, though -- grr.. I distrust her, and with plenty of reason. My ego is going to need to really just.. let it go.. so I can be chill around all of this. A part of me feels like I'm making this harder on myself than I need it to be.