I have been following this thread with interest, and now I am home waiting for the Novocain to wear off and I have some time to reply.
Ellie, I think we have similar backgrounds...the free and easy years (70s and 80s) followed by a long term marriage, fidelity and then divorce. Right after the divorce I was going crazy! (you know what I mean!) One day my massage therapist asked me if I was "taking care of my joy" so I went out and bought a BOB. (... on batteries). Really helped...
My actual divorce was in 2006. I was eager to get back into the dating world, but after many misadventures I took a break. At one point I dated a man for about 6 months. He was fun, and did wonders for my ego. And, we didn't "do it"...but we got pretty darn close. In retrospect I am v. glad. He was fun, and satisfied many of my needs, but ultimately it turned out that he was insecure and a player.
From 2006 until late 2010 my top concern became finances. I lost a good job, and threw all my energy into generating income however I could. I quit wanting sex, or even a relationship. It just took so much energy to find work, do work, juggle bills and all those things that I simply wasn't interested. Friends would ask me about dating, and honestly I didn’t have time. I got a dog and he provided me with unconditional love and companionship, and he didn’t leave the seat up! LOL
These years of celibacy kind of forced a little introspection on my part about what it was/is I really want. Like Ellie, I do crave an intimate relationship. But to me, intimacy is more than “the deed” and I absolutely need trust and emotional closeness to fully experience the other. I grew to the conclusion that as I am entering my older years I don’t really need a sugar daddy, I don’t need someone to help me raise my kids, I don’t need someone to build a life with. But I do need and want someone who is companionable. Someone who can enjoy the small daily practices of meals, and other day-to-day living and share them with me.
Well.
Last December I got my dream job. I can walk to work, I am well paid and respected, and I work for an organization I really believe in. With that in place, the walls around my heart began to fall and I found someone… in my own back yard. Someone that I knew socially and really respect. We have been “holding hands” for about 3 months, and let me tell you, it is DELICIOUS! After our first kiss, the very first thing he said was, “I NEED for this to go slow”. (He is about 2 years post break up with his daughter’s mama. ) We both have been burned badly, and I respect his request.
OK… So, like you Ellie…I am v. bad about waiting. I told him that he had to take the lead, because if it was up to me, I would have jumped his bones that night! I thought I knew him really well before this courtship, but I am learning a whole new, tender side to this man. I am learning to savor and enjoy this process. And I am also broadening my definition of intimacy. One night, after a 2 hour make-out session, he said, “I’m really looking forward to learning about all the different ways we fit together”
This sweet man is about 10 years younger than me, but is emotionally so much wiser than me. I feel very respected and treasured, because I know he likes and cares for me as a person and soon as a partner. I have only had one partner since 1985 (!!!) so I am glad things are going this way.
There were definitely times that I felt the need for a quickie (!!!) but I am so glad I resisted. It makes what is happening now so much more valued.
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
