Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

So you hold yourself to the same kinds of standards that you might hold for.. say.. a project.. and then when you don't get it right, or someone gets upset with you, you feel pretty intense emotions?

You hit it RIGHT on the head! Emotions get very intense in general, and one of the characteristics of Aspergers is that we are usually ill equipped to integrate emotions into our experience and thought process. It's almost like an alien intrusion, in that we tend to be very analytical, and an emotion doesn't have a "numerical value" so as to fit into the "equation."

Mind, sometimes it is a very nice alien intrusion, and sometimes unpleasant (we still do FEEL the emotions). They are just intimidating because we do not directly control them; they just happen to us.

Much of your advice has a strong flavor of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (not a criticism, it is a very effective approach, and I often have trouble applying it to myself, so your advice is welcome), and your mention of the "reptilian" brain suggests some familiarity with neurology. Do you have a background in clinical psychology? Or are you just very good at this DB stuff?

Well, W came home the other night, thanked me for all the work I did while they were gone (not my first reason for doing it, but I must admit I had hoped she would appreciate it). I just and said I was happy I had all that uninterrupted time, allowing me to get so much more done. She went to bed early, exhausted from driving all day. The kids told me aaaaaaaaaaallllll about the trip (they were glad to see me)!

So, last night I approached W and said that I hadn't got to hear how the trip was for her, what with the kids filling my ear and her getting to bed early. I tried not only to listen, but to really enjoy listening, and asked her questions. Happily, I didn't feel stressed during the conversation, and we got to have a pleasant exchange - me not demanding or expecting anything, and her speaking freely. And she thanked me again for the work I did over the weekend. I said I had been excited to have all the extra time, and had planned to to extra work. Another baby step forward!

And later on, W approached me for sex . That makes about once per month, which is a lot better than it could be (and has been). It wasn't that it was a particularly "meaningful" or romantic encounter, but just the fact that she felt comfortable trusting me with a very intimate need, and was thinking about my needs, felt a lot like some progress. I just need to not read more into it. Just another "baby step" - doesn't mean everything is better, just means I found some things I need to keep doing.

After having sex, W thanked me again for the things I had done over the weekend. I started to say "It was nothing," and she said, "You COULD say 'You're welcome,' you know." It was dark, so she couldn't see me blush. I said it, and realized that I have always had trouble accepting complements and thanks. Something else to think about.

I really need to think about the ways that change IS happening, like you said. It really reveals another way that I need to change my focus from changing for HER to changing for ME. One of the reasons I fail to see change is because I am looking for results. I forget that those need to come after the change.

Always more stuff to work on, but it all seems to be falling into a sort of recognizable pattern, so it is not as overwhelming as it was when it all seemed like a bunch of random, unrelated changes I needed to make.

Gotta just keep on working on it.

Thanks for the input, A.C. You are awesome.

A.C. is cool