Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[aeolianchaos]

And I screwed up again.

Not terrible, but I let myself get caught up in the whole dividing up of stuff thing. I feel like an idiot, now. I see her maybe 1x a week if that, almost no contact other than on the business end of dividing up property. And I screw up the little opportunity that I have to do something right. I honestly feel like I'm blowing it big time here.. I'm not raising my voice or getting particularly hostile, I'm just saying things I REALLY DON'T NEED TO SAY. Yet I say them, like a jacka$$.

First screwup - got on the subject of divvying stuff up and she starts pointing out little things here and there and I start talking about how I'm thinking about whats fair, not just who bought what. This got onto the f-ing bed thing again

M: "well I wouldn't have thrown out my old bed if I knew you were having an affair"

W: "I wasn't yet"

M: "You weren't in constant contact with him while we were moving out of (old state)?"

W: "I guess so.. but nothing had happened"

M: "Nothing physical."

W: "Yes, nothing physical"

M: "Alright.. look I'm sorry I brought that up, I really don't want to be throwing that in your face, or having you feel like it's going to be thrown in your face."

I don't remember what she said to that.


W at one point looked at me and says, "I'm sorry" I say, "for what?" and she says, "I just feel like I'm always saying I'm sorry" and I say, "well you say you're sorry but never what for or why"

She said: "I'm sorry because I'm leaving you and I know you don't want that"

M: "Yes.. it's heartbreaking, but my happiness isn't attached to what you do and I don't want you to feel forced to stay with me."

W: "You haven't tried to make me stay"

M: "Do you want me to?"

W: "I guess not.."

W: "I have to go.."

M: "I understand, see you tomorrow."