OK, Hubby is in MLC...but do I have to PAY for it?

[Tina2111]

Tina,

Can you give us some back ground info on why did your H's first M break up and why did yours?

Do you have any info about your H's childhood.

Don't mean to seem 'nosy' but we can gain a lot of insight from the info you share.

I was married at almost 18, in my second year of college. We were married 20 years. I was dating a guy who over the course of several months gradually got me to have sex with him, first by giving me an engagement ring, and when that didn't work, by threatening to leave me. I started seeing his true colors after that, but unfortunately, I was raised Southern Baptist and literally believed I was ruined for life and HAD to marry him. Because I was so ashamed of losing my virginity, I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I know now if I had had the courage to tell my big sister (who raised me) she would have said "OH NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO MARRY THAT MAN!" But I was too ashamed of myself.

Of course I tried to be a perfect little wife and of course he lost interest in me in bed before we were through our first year. Of course I handled this the way a typical insecure 18 year old would do...by begging and crying myself to sleep every night.

He wasn't actually a Christian, that had been a put on when we first started dating, and our values were very different. He cursed a lot, yelled at things and had a volatile temperament. Although he didn't get AS verbally abusive as my current hubby when he lost it. But he was very high strung and would blow off all the time. This unnerved me. But he always promised things would be better when we finished college (we were both working and going to school at night).

We were almost through college when I found out I was pregnant with our first child. I went full-time the last two semesters of college, while working 50 hours a week and the baby was born the day before I graduated with my bachelors. We were married 7 years at this point.

But we were through with college...so everything would be better, right?

Well, you know that answer. The rest of the marriage was a series of "things will be better when's". I always tried to make it work "for the kids", although we slept in separate rooms for over a decade. Lying in bed next to a cold man was too painful. Around year 15 he quit his job of 20 years to start his own business. But never got it off the ground. Gradually began to do less and less. Porn addiction got out of control. He raided our meager savings repeatedly to buy hookers.

I got into therapy, realized a lot of the reason I stayed in this marriage was the abandonment issues I suffered in childhood. Besides my dad's expectations of perfection and the beatings, my mother had whipped me with a belt from age 2 for wetting the bed, or would slap me in the face when she was mad at dad. Once when I was 4 she gave me a terrible nosebleed before preschool when she hit me. I remember the blood falling in big drops on the white melamine floor. The crazy things we remember. She left when I was 7. All of my memories of living with mom are bad. I am sad sometimes not just because of the bad memories, but that I remember so little from my early life with her. I know there were happy times. I've seen the photos.

Anyway, I finally gave up hope on my first marriage and left in year 19. We were divorced a year later.

In full disclosure, part of the reason I left is because I MYSELF got caught up in affairs several times. My husband had two temperatures...cold and indifferent, or screaming. There was no affection. He never kissed me or hugged me for no reason. About once a quarter, he would decide he wanted to have sex. I was so lonely, and so hurt from both my marriage and my "baggage", that I was easy prey for other men. That was no excuse for what I did. It was sin and the Lord convicted me for it. I had to make up my mind to stay in the marriage and be faithful, or to go on. I could not live in adultery and live in my faith. So the last three years we were married I was very careful to avoid other men on my job.

I finally left because I knew I could never be "the real me", and live under those conditions. I just wasn't strong enough to endure it.

I know I also can't be "the real me" under the conditions my current husband has me under, and he's going to have to make real changes if we are going to save our marriage. I ditched a 20-year effort when it was clear it was futile. I know I can do it again if I have to. But it is a last resort for me. I still pray God can save our marriage.