That IS my question, though - how many dates do I have to wait, to be sure the guy isn't going to think less of me because I slept with him? It seems absolutely silly to me, but apparently this is the kind of BS I have to think about now???
I dated when h and I were separated. One guy was mauling me AND seemed to like me sincerely.
He apologized a lot but it was too late. Major turn off (truly a horrid kisser. Made me miss h MORE...not less...Sheesh!!)
Other guy was attractive and had the apparent 3 date expectation. We'd had many long talks on the phone and I did like him a lot. This made me realize I would not be alone if h and I divorced, if I didn't want to be.
There ARE good men out there.
But I wasn't ready. I WAS attracted to him but felt insecure physically I think. He was uber into body building for one thing.
And after such a long m and now, with THREE dates I'm supposed to let you see my stretch marks? Hmmm...
(I am not heavy btw, and like how I look OVER ALL...) But I am a bit self conscious about a new man seeing my body for the first time in decades.
He("OM") was understanding. We kept talking and planning time together.
Then h and I reconciled before a lot more could happen,
and so I don't have a ton of regret. However,
I don't believe I could do the 3 date sex thing, very easily after this long a marriage.
I didn't do that BEFORE the marriage. Only ML with men I loved.
Maybe I could handle it better 20 years ago, or PRE pregnancy...
God, maybe it's all my ego talking??
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, one of the refreshing things about dating after divorce has been finding out that most men do NOT see all the flaws in me that my ex did! In fact, that was one of the things I liked about Mr. Big Lots - he LOVED the fact that I have, as he said, "an a** like a black girl". (He's African-American).
I am super high drive too--and waited almost until married with ex H. I should have been at "level 5" and lived happily ever after according to the one poster....
not so much!lol.
I didn't sleep with the one guy after H filed and SO GLAD--he left without a word after knowing him 2 1/2 months! And saying he wanted to marry me!! Well, the fact that I had an increasingly ugly D on my hands may have played into that....
There's a new guy now--I am SO ATTRACTED to him. But luckily there are...complications (his ex is one of my best friends). He is fixing stuff that my perfectionistic/procrastinator ex H let go and this is almost better than dating...(get to see them in ALL kinds of situations) But that was the story on the OTHER guy (handy man)--so I am just saying...
Give it LOTS of time. I just don't have the mental energy to figure out "why they aren't into me" right now. If I was having sex--YIKES! I'd be very bummed when they figured out they don't want to continue the R for whatever reason.
And...there are LOTS of reasons now--they have kids, you have kids, they have an ex that they like/hate...ugh. Plus old friends/girlfriends coming out of the woodwork on facebook, twitter, etc.
And biologically guys like the chase. All the books on dating I've read basically tell you that you are RUINING THEIR FUN when you sleep with them too soon.
And biologically guys like the chase. All the books on dating I've read basically tell you that you are RUINING THEIR FUN when you sleep with them too soon.
So acts of service are what do it for you and why your ex didn't. He was fully capable of doing those things for you but he couldn't be bothered. Not a great way of showing love huh?
Don't fall for every handy man you meet. Take your time and let them chase your skirt! lol
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kml, you will get better at it when you want a relationship again. It is so easy to say they got flaky because you didn't take the time to know them. I get that you have this high sex drive but there are ways to help yourself out while getting to know guys.
There is no challenge for a guy if you are fairly easy game. They want a challenge. Become one.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have been following this thread with interest, and now I am home waiting for the Novocain to wear off and I have some time to reply.
Ellie, I think we have similar backgrounds...the free and easy years (70s and 80s) followed by a long term marriage, fidelity and then divorce. Right after the divorce I was going crazy! (you know what I mean!) One day my massage therapist asked me if I was "taking care of my joy" so I went out and bought a BOB. (... on batteries). Really helped...
My actual divorce was in 2006. I was eager to get back into the dating world, but after many misadventures I took a break. At one point I dated a man for about 6 months. He was fun, and did wonders for my ego. And, we didn't "do it"...but we got pretty darn close. In retrospect I am v. glad. He was fun, and satisfied many of my needs, but ultimately it turned out that he was insecure and a player.
From 2006 until late 2010 my top concern became finances. I lost a good job, and threw all my energy into generating income however I could. I quit wanting sex, or even a relationship. It just took so much energy to find work, do work, juggle bills and all those things that I simply wasn't interested. Friends would ask me about dating, and honestly I didn’t have time. I got a dog and he provided me with unconditional love and companionship, and he didn’t leave the seat up! LOL
These years of celibacy kind of forced a little introspection on my part about what it was/is I really want. Like Ellie, I do crave an intimate relationship. But to me, intimacy is more than “the deed” and I absolutely need trust and emotional closeness to fully experience the other. I grew to the conclusion that as I am entering my older years I don’t really need a sugar daddy, I don’t need someone to help me raise my kids, I don’t need someone to build a life with. But I do need and want someone who is companionable. Someone who can enjoy the small daily practices of meals, and other day-to-day living and share them with me.
Well.
Last December I got my dream job. I can walk to work, I am well paid and respected, and I work for an organization I really believe in. With that in place, the walls around my heart began to fall and I found someone… in my own back yard. Someone that I knew socially and really respect. We have been “holding hands” for about 3 months, and let me tell you, it is DELICIOUS! After our first kiss, the very first thing he said was, “I NEED for this to go slow”. (He is about 2 years post break up with his daughter’s mama. ) We both have been burned badly, and I respect his request.
OK… So, like you Ellie…I am v. bad about waiting. I told him that he had to take the lead, because if it was up to me, I would have jumped his bones that night! I thought I knew him really well before this courtship, but I am learning a whole new, tender side to this man. I am learning to savor and enjoy this process. And I am also broadening my definition of intimacy. One night, after a 2 hour make-out session, he said, “I’m really looking forward to learning about all the different ways we fit together”
This sweet man is about 10 years younger than me, but is emotionally so much wiser than me. I feel very respected and treasured, because I know he likes and cares for me as a person and soon as a partner. I have only had one partner since 1985 (!!!) so I am glad things are going this way.
There were definitely times that I felt the need for a quickie (!!!) but I am so glad I resisted. It makes what is happening now so much more valued.
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
It's actually words and this guy doesn't have a lot of them....
(Now my one instructor WAS a words guy--all in the most innocent way--but he would drive me to distraction when he would call me "darlin" or some other delicious term.lol.)
So ultimately I don't know if we'll be more than friends in the end. Because after he fixes what he can, I WILL be looking for him to express how wonderful I am!!
