A new perspective???

[AntoniaB]

IB (and Punkin, hey Punkin!), what the heck, it must be something in the air or the timing for all 3 of us. I've had a very rough past couple of days too. VERY blue, very depressed...I was so scattered and ADD-like 2 nights ago that I couldn't do one thing more than 10 min. without getting up and switching to something else, and at some point when I tried the 4th or 5th thing to get focused on, I just felt an overwhelming urge to cry...I just sobbed. It was like a terrible feeling in my heart that I could not get rid of no matter how much I cried.

Punkin you referenced the what ifs in your thread--I was actually sitting here saying "what if I'd confronted OW? What if I had made a huge stink with his family instead of retreating and just taking it and walking away?" Well, probably nothing different would have happened.

But even with the cry, that depressed feeling didn't lift. I went out and bought a few new clothes items yesterday. I had to MAKE myself go shopping. That gave me a short lift. I don't know what it is either. There has not been any trigger that I can see, other than that the weather seems to have made me a prisoner in my own house, it's 93 degrees every day and awful out, and I'm sick to death of yard work, and it seems like nothing ever changes.

So IB I get exactly what you're feeling. I wonder sometimes if the change of the seasons (or lack of it) affects our mood and sends us into depression, as in, when summer is just dragging on and on, does it reinforce that "nothing feels different" and that this whole thing "never ends"? I know that when it went from a long winter to spring, I felt progress. Maybe when it finally gets towards fall, it will feel like progress.

I guess you need to tell yourself that in the larger scheme of things, that there is progress, that even if you have a bad day or a string of them for a week, that it doesn't mean you're cycling back to the "darkest" days permanently, that you're just cycling, and that you'll bounce back and feel ok if you can just ride that wave out a little bit.

But yeah, I know exactly what you mean, and even with family and friends who support, I feel like people are sick of having to "help" me and that they think I should be over this by now and I'm not, somedays I'm REALLY not over it, and it's a lot of pressure to pretend I'm over it to keep them from acting annoyed with me or exasperated that I'm still really hurting. I feel like the only people who really get the whole not being over it 14 months later are the people on this board. So I'm glad you are posting about this because it helps to know I'm not crazy :-)

[exquisitetobe]

I've been in this for 2 yrs and still get those days. Fewer as time goes by but still do.
Hang in there.

[irishblessings]

I am so grateful to come to this site and see these words - I really don't know what I would have done all this time without this place.

Trying to climb out of this hole - your words help!

[dl443322]

Sweetie, this is tough stuff. And no matter how much we move forward, there will be times when we feel down.

After all, we spent a lifetime with these people, had a life and a future planned out.

And its ok to feel it, then when you are ready, let it wash over you and continue on.

Life really is what we make it. And I try (dont always succeed) each day to try to make it mean something. I remind myself that I have overcome a lot. And it really is my xh's loss.

I get to live my life with dignity and strength. I get to have the respect and love of my son. I get to look in the mirror and like what I see.

So, make your life the best it can be. Remember it is ok to have down days. And mostly remember that you dont have to do it all. Your children will be fine if you dont. They just need you in your life. That's all. All that other stuff, while nice, is not what they will remember.

The senior year and all that stuff will be distant memories. What they will remember is that you were present, that you loved them unconditionally, that you showed them how to handle life's turmoil with courage and strength.

Be kind to yourself. Take care of you. And know that the future is yours to write.

[AntoniaB]

IB I made a list of things to do a few days ago and got through half of the list. One thing was "go shopping and buy a cute new dress." I did it :-) I'm better today than 2 days ago. 2 days ago I was thinking I needed anti-depressants again, but now, I think I might be ok. I don't know if i will work for you, but maybe try a list. Put fun stuff on the list as well as "work" items. Make yourself do the fun stuff. I had to TALK MYSELF into going shopping :-) But I'm glad I did. It was a pick me up. Persevering through pain can help, and accomplishing small tasks might be part of that, even if a task is getting a manicure :-)

[irishblessings]

I attended my first Divorce Care class this evening. Profoundly sad - the stories and heartaches that were shared / mine included. I looked around the table at the 20 some people - each of us flawed - but each of us reeling from the loss. Young, old, male, female. We were each broken. Yet compassion was palpable. I felt that God was truly present in the kindness of strangers. It was healing just to be there. All the stories were different - yet eerily similar. The WAS just left and began their lives with someone else leaving their spouse in the wake. I keep going back to a phrase a friend of mine and my XH's said after he interacted with XH - he said "IB - XH has a God-sized hole in his heart.". The Was' who were described this evening each had the same characteristic.

I am very glad I went.

[AntoniaB]

Hey IB, I am happy that you feel good about going to this meeting. I have wondered myself about getting into some kind of support group locally. What I did do tonight was to send an email to a friend---it's actually the mother of one of my former students who is my close friend and confidante, and her mom, well she was betrayed by her dad who carried on an affair with his secretary for 6 years and now she is divorced and in her 60s. She is handling it but really hurting. So I asked her if she'd like to have dinner with me. I hope that we can help each other. Sometimes I think that there are so many friendships that are forged out of these tragedies, and then I think, we need to focus on the outcome, the friendships, that never would have been, as opposed to the trauma between 2 people that did occur...

[irishblessings]

I had lunch with a friend from work today who lost her husband to cancer a few years ago. She is still grieving. We talked about the group I went to last night and she asked me why I felt I needed or wanted to go. It was a great question. I realized that going, for me, felt like I was taking care of this part of me. Not going, again for me, feels like I am not attending to the wound. Like I am in denial of the injury. I don't want this experience to define me - but by not caring for this part of me, well it feels as though I am in some type of denial. Attending the classes makes me feel as though I am tending to the wound.

I had a rough day today. Son and I are struggling in our relationship. My sister and oldest daughter came over and said they were concerned that I wasn't my same positive self. I tried to explain to them that I am exhausted and overwhelmed that I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. They said "whatever- we want the old IB back.". Me - I just want to feel ok again. I just want to feel as though I am accomplishing something positive - anything!!

Maybe posting here today is a positive thing they will never know. Thanks so much to this board for listening and providing feedback. Tomorrow I will feel better!

[AJM]

IB. I haven't really been following your thread, but for some reason was on the boards tonight.
I can tell you from experience that going to classes, joining support groups, etc. is far and above the greatest thing to help heal. The flip side of healing is that you will be on a quiet roller coaster as you dredge up and deal with your emotions. So quiet you may not really notice it.

My suggestion is to push on. It'll hurt at times. It'll feel good at times. But it's worth it. Stick with it.

Oh, and don't try to be your "old" self. Try to be you. It'll all work out in time even better than you can imagine.

AJ

[irishblessings]

I am realizing just how slow this healing process needs to go. Those closest to me suggest that I am not the same person I was. It' not from a lack of effort. Maybe it's from denial. Denial of my anger. I am unreasonably angry about he and his gf prancing around so happily while I am carrying the burden of the house, the bills, the parenting downsides / I am PI$$Ed!!! Never been so torn up in my entire life.

So what to do now? Live a life of gratitude / slow down to heal / pray /

Do the next right thing...