KD - I'm really not. I'm willing to talk to him about S7, and I'm willing to be cordial when he comes over on Saturday to do the last of the dividing of things (books and wine collection), but I have no real interest in how he's doing, what he's been up to, how work is, etc.
It's as if the part of me that wants to interact with him is just gone.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
KD - I don't know if it's good, actually. It's like I've divided him into 2 people - the person I was married to, and the person who is doing what he's doing. And they're different people, and I really miss the guy I was married to. But the guy I'm dealing with now? God, he looks and sounds *so much* like the person I was married to that it kills me, but .. he's not. He's some other person, like an imposter.
And that imposter? Not interested.
It feels almost insane, but that's just how I feel about it.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
KD - I honestly don't know. I wish I did - if I *knew*, then I'd know what to do. But I don't know. I keep telling myself it's only been a month since I discovered his affair, and it's ok to be confused.
But, guh! I'm just so .. sick ... of this. Sometimes I want to just wait out his affair and see what happens after it ends. Sometimes I think it won't end. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter.
Sometimes sometimes sometimes! I just want consistency. I want to know today how I'll feel tomorrow. I don't. I can't.
I can usually tell myself that it takes time .. that I'm better now than I was 2 weeks ago .. and in 2 weeks I'll be better still. But I would pay real dollars for a device to fast forward me to six months from now.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
KD - That's basically it. I'm living a life that is for me and S7. Whatever else may happen next week, next month, next year - I'll deal with it then. Right now, day to day, it's about my well-being and his well-being.
At some point when I've gotten some more distance, some more time - then maybe I'll know more things.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
Met with our family therapist for the last of our "scheduled" visits tonight - looking forward to not spending an hour every Thursday with H.
He mentioned he wanted to know when S7 would be "stable" enough for him (H) to travel - he has "business and personal" trips he needs to take. We both know what the personal stuff is, so I don't know why he even needed to mention it.
He said "I know that upsets you .." and I said, "Honestly, I really don't care what you do at this point - I care about S7 being ok. Period."
That seemed to irritate him, although I don't understand why.
He also got irritated when I said, "Honestly, Saturday should be the last 'dividing stuff up' trip, and I'm looking forward to not having to see you as much."
Again, not sure why that's irritating him - he's clearly gaga over his OW and I'm not even a blip on his radar.
Worked out for 30 minutes on the treadmill when I got home. Will go do crunches/pushups in a bit - slacking off on the squats cause my legs are always sore from treadmilling.
Guess we'll see what the next few months bring.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
?