We had our mediation today. I kept my cool, smelled delicious and looked great. W looked great too except that I did notice that her earrings seem to be getting bigger each time I see her.
If any of you live in my state (Arizona) and have a mediation scheduled, be prepared. It could turn out to be an actual divorce finalization. The attorney case manager told us when we first walked in that if we agree on everything, we could be divorced today. My heart sank because I thought that W would go ahead and agree so she can "have this over with." I honestly believe that she thinks if she gets a D, all of her unhappiness and stress will go away. We didn't agree on everything and our court date is set for October 14th. I'm guessing that is when I'll be divorced.
We arrived at the same time. She was walking ahead of me into the courthouse. I noticed that she just seems to be in her own little world. Kind of like she is walking around in a bubble. Or I guess as we like to say....a fog.
I was a little afraid that I would go in there and let her walk all over me. I didn't. I was cool, but stood my ground.
I finally got to hear about W's debt. I was shocked. She owes about $30,000 in student loans and just took out another loan for $18,000 that she has not received the money for yet. Wow. I guess it is true what they say about MLCers spending money. She also has to pay $6,000 of a student loan that we took out to put one of our sons in college. It's funny, she didn't think she would have to be responsible for any of it since it was in my name. Well, she has to pay half.
W didn't get anything that she wanted. I got everything that I requested. The only thing that really needs to be settled in court is who will have custody of S16. The attorney case manager told W that since he is 16 in the state of Arizona he can choose and that will be a big part in deciding the custody. W was not happy at all. I could tell as the meeting went on that she was getting very p!ssed off and very uncomfortable. Hey, it's what she wanted right?
During the meeting, it was decided that W will deed the house to me this coming Friday. I'm okay with that.
It was decided that we could see the judge on August 26th, but I couldn't do it because I have plans that day with some friends (if my job hasn't started by then.) So, our court date is on October 14th. That is our niece's birthday. W wasn't happy about that either. When she heard the date, she looks at me and says:
W: Great! N15's birthday!
M: Better than mine. (Mine is October 25th)
She glared at me.
Basically, I did great today and I know it. I think she knows it too. I pretty much witnessed her "fantasy land" come crashing in around her today. She thought that she was entitled to everything and basically got nothing that she wanted.
I found this hard to believe:
When it was over, we walked out together and we discussed a time to meet at the courthouse on Friday so she can deed the house to me. She then said that afterwards maybe we can do lunch together. Huh? Why would she want to have lunch with me? I'm the bad person right? I didn't give her an answer one way or the other. I know in my heart that I would love to have lunch with her, but I also know that I should be acting "as if" and GALing. If I do, I just may end up hurt over something that she does or says.
On the way home, I get this text:
W: Well you got your delay for the next two months. Note though that once again, your friends came first. Unbelievable yet not. See you Friday. I would like to have a nice lunch.
M: I really didn't get what I want. I wanted YOU to delay things. Not the court. I didn't ask you for a delay just for the sake of having a delay. As for putting friends first, hardly. If you must know, I will be perfectly honest with you. It is a support group thing. Working on me....
W: Well good luck then and have fun. I wish you the best.
M: Thank you. Please don't think that I put friends first. That is in the past just like a lot of things. Have a good day.
No reponse.
I know I'll probably get 2x4s for the above text exchange.
Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know how things went today. I took Brooklyn's advice and did well. I left their feeling a little bad that it has come to this, but I also felt good because I handled myself well. To be perfectly honest, I don't think W had a very good day today. It is just funny how they seem to think that they are entitled to everything.
W will hopefully see the consequences of her actions.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Quick note Tad. Why are you defending your actions/decisions? When you were free (it was a long time ago) did you explain yourself? Would you if this was some person you were dating? Nope...
Don't defend. Makes you look guilty (even though you aren't; it's still pleading your case trying to change her mind)
Good for you keeping your cool. Congrats on the job and taking the little steps. Keep 'em coming!
Sounds like a great reason to celebrate a little early, no?
Later!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Good for you, Tad. Though, I am surprised they let you postpone for that reason,
Ok, I am not known for 2 x 4's but I feel you need a little tap.
The texts - I would not have engaged with her and I certainly would not have explained anything.
When you try to tell them about the changes, they see right through it and get angry.
You need to really make the changes and be that person each day.
So, if you felt you had to respond, I would have said, not so sure I can do lunch. Have a nice night. And leave it at that.
And just so you know, after my xh screwed me every way possible in court, he then turned to me and said, do you want to have lunch? After he realized I was not going to, he proceeded to walk me to my car and hugged me when we left.
And that, Tad, is a glimpse inside the cuckoo that is their brain.
Tad, I'm not giving you any 2 x 4s here--it's not that I disagree with anyone above at all. It's that for you, you were pretty low key here--you said a lot less than you usually do. You defended a bit, yeah, but you didn't jump when she said lunch. For you, that's pretty huge. So congrats on that :-)
Understand that the chances are VERY good that she will go through with all of this. Most of them do. You let it play out, and you protect yourself. That's all you can do.
I think the lunch thing has to do with her trying to make it seem like it's all hunky dory, all just "ok", as if you both wanted this. If you want to have lunch with her and you really think it's a good thing, go ahead. But if you don't, then don't. I suspect it won't go well if you do, I mean, how can it? It would require you to act like you wanted the divorce to keep it from getting contentious, and you don't. So have a plan for something else to do. Take your kids out. Take yourself out. Call it a "making the first steps in my new life" event. Whatever it takes.
So...you're looking at October for the date. What are your plans between now and then to make your own life the most empowered life it can be? That needs to be your focus. Your job isn't starting for a few weeks, right? What are you doing to keep busy, besides celebrating Little Friday? :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
My XW did/does the exact same thing with me. She always wants to go out to dinner or do activities all together with the kids. I went along with it quite a few times. each time we would have a great time.
It would leave feeling so hurt. I just could not understand why if we are getting along so great don't we continue doing it to build on. I would feel so down for days. My 8 year old daughter would also be upset.
I would suggest that you don't go to lunch with your X. Everyone is right when they say that you XW just wants to show herself and the world that everything is ok. I think they do this to feel better about themselves.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Thanks everyone. It is late Wednesday night/Thursday morning. Or as we like to say around here, Little Friday. MHL, I quit drinking 5 months ago. (One of my changes.) So to answer your question, it just might be a little Motown and some lemonade.
Antonia, you were right. I was pretty low-key. For one, it's not as upsetting as it was and I didn't want to make an a$$ out of myself. The old me just might have.
As for lunch, I'll decide tomorrow.
Believe it or not, W called this evening. I wasn't going to pick up the phone but I did. We talked for about thirty minutes. I still really don't know why she called. We didn't talk about us or D. She told me about her job, her dinner plans with our sons this weekend and we talked about our cats. She told me that her good friend at work is quitting. I didn't let on, but I was happy to hear this because I think she has been a very negative influence on W. It was a nice conversation even though I still don't know why she called....
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Have you noticed yet, Tad about the back and forth? Have you noticed the others that chime in with "me too!" ? I ask that as a way to get you to be protective of something very valuable - you. Up until recently, your self-esteem was so low that you didn't protect you and it didn't go well.
Your w is a nut. You are radioactive to her, but I agree with the others she likely wants to feel good about herself and if she can remain "friends" with you then everyone got what they wanted. Only after talking to her your head spins. I'm not saying don't be friends or don't be friendly. I'm saying protect you. That's setting a boundary and enforcing it and that is important. She'll change back and forth to get what she wants from you. You should have noticed that by now.
Something that stood out to me the other day - someone mentioned that she needs you to fuel the anger. Don't let her fan that fire with you as fuel. Let it smother. Let the fire die down on it's own. But she will try again Tad. She'll bring you in close, act like it was once before, and a trigger will flip in her brain and you'll feel the knife as it comes out the front.
Don't shy away Tad. But protect your boundaries and yourself. Be watchful and wary. Be careful. Understand that there are many sides you don't see and that she is not thinking like the person you once knew. Anything is possible and it's likely going to be aimed and controlling you and ultimately hurting you.
That said, weekend's coming. What're the big plans?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
