Just Be

[MHL]

MHL, thanks for your post, your thoughts and your advice. You will probably never know how much it means to me. I apologize if I am coming across as angry

Denver,
You are welcome, it is an attempt on my part to pay it forward.....this place and these people saved my life, so I think I know how much it means to you.

and........no you do not come across angry..........but if you are we know how to deal with that............"I'm sorry you feel that way"

I know that I am going to be slammed for my R with OW.

Not from me........however I am not advocating it either.....

I will also tell you that most people here will not bash you over it because I believe that a fair share of people here do have relationships with OP during a separation from their spouse, especially MEN.

No one here really wants to talk about it and it is certainly contrary to working on yourself and definitely contrary to working on your marriage.

Since that is "out there" lets talk about how it does affect a couple that is separated.......

I will share something with you, and now consequently with everyone else here, that I have not said publicly on these boards.

I had an 8 week relationship with a woman during the separation with my XW. My XW did not find out about it until 3 months after it ended but I can tell you it definitely affected me and my situation at the time I was in the R with the OW.

My OW was one of the other soccer mom's on my D14 team and was also recently separated and so keeping our R a secret was a common goal. She was a WAW. She was definitely not healed and neither was I. It was my Affair.

Of course I let the OW know up front and repeatedly that I still loved my W and that I was in limbo and that I was just living my life, if she wanted to be in it then it was understood that it was not serious and could end at any time.

Well, I ended it and she got hurt.

I will tell you in that time when I was with the OW......I started to find "some" of my mojo......and it showed when I interacted with my W. She started showing interest, was pleasant and friendly, and she started acting like herself again.

Why did she start to do this??

Because I really didn't want to waste time with my W when I was dropping my kids off with her.....I could not wait to leave to go be with the OW. To my W it appeared as though I had a life.....I was happy, I did not ask about her or what she was doing.......she "felt" the space.

Just as your W felt the space that night, yeah she knew that there were old flames there however she knew you were going to have a great time!!!!! Why???? Because this was something you were doing for you!!! Imagine if you were acting like that everyday in everything you do??? She would want a piece of that, especially if she did not know exactly what you are doing.

If you are happy now......she knows why........it is because of the other woman.

Take away the other woman........will Denver be as happy????

In your W's eyes the answer is no.

Why did it not work for me then???? (remember, my W did not know!!)

I had not gotten a life.........I had gotten another woman!!!

There is a difference.

Because I was not ready.........you see when I was with the OW I stopped doing the "work" on me. The OW filled the void that I needed to fill myself. When my W started coming around and then I started to take a step towards her.....she recoiled and I reacted poorly and pushed her further away.

It was not until I ended with the OW that I really started to make strides within ME.....and it was probably another 3 months before I found ME again.....for real.

Your situation is a little different but the affect on YOU is the same as it was with ME.......I am postulating here

When I was with the other woman it felt good, I can remember clearly sitting on the couch watching a movie with her and she just held my hand and gently rubbed my arm........it was like a drug!!! I had not had a woman's touch or attention for sooooo long............and it felt good.

How does your OW feel to you??? Oh yeah, you guys have a history together........that makes it even more intense, right??

however

after the initial affect of her affections subsided, all I could think about was my W. I wanted more of this drug.......but I wanted a different supplier........I wanted my W to give me those affections not the OW.

When you are with the OW, do you totally forget about your W? Do you do things with the OW, go places with the OW, say things to the OW that you did with your W??

Denver, until YOU resolve YOUR feelings about YOUR W, they will haunt you and any relationship that you start before you finish working on YOU.

You see what I found is that I could not come to a healthy decision about my M and my W before I got to a healthy place MYSELF.

It was only then that I could make that decision and live with it forever.

I want to make one other point and hopefully end this ridiculously long post.

I plan on being a complete mystery to W for the time being.

There is no mystery here for her......I hope you realize that.

If she does not hear from you she will assume that you are with the OW.

I am not suggesting that you keep up contact, just pointing something out.

Even if your W wakes up, realizes she wants to be with you the rest of her life, why would she reach out to you while you are with someone else that is currently making you happy........uh errrr........that you are happy to be with????

Remember, if the WAW ever changes her mind about us then that must mean that they think pretty highly of us.....right???

If they now have this renewed and heighten image of us then why would they think for a minute that we would leave someone that is good for us for a wife that cheated????

Remember they don't feel worthy of us........one of thier main fears in recommitting is that we will come to our senses one day and drop them like a hot potato, after all who would blame us???????

I will end with this..........

I would not change my journey one bit........every part of it shaped the person I am now........I do not regret it.

However, I can tell you that if I had a time machine and I could go back in time I would do things differently.......but then I would not be who I am today...........I had to fail to succeed.

I am not saying that you need to fail.........I am reaffirming some of what you said............LIVE YOUR LIFE, MAKE IT AS GOOD AS YOU CAN, LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES AND MOVE FORWARD.

Hope this helps.

Cheers