Just Be

[Denver_2010]

Lotus' assessment that your w "used you" is unfair & wildly oversimplifying an actual marriage. If she were "using" you,

she'd either file and get money from you that she could count on, OR she'd stay put IN the m, and get more of it...she's doing neither by living this way now. But I think you "get" that...so I'll move on.

Absolutely agreed.

Is she confused? YES...and the one thing that she did say consistently is

that she feels pressured by YOU (and OM for that matter).

So How about you NOT being the source of pressure?

My intent is to remove any and all pressure on my W. I will not be a part of her life until her thinking has clarified and until she is willing to work on our M. It is unhealthy for me and it is not useful to working towards reconciliation.

Your behavior is inconsistent. So is hers. Hard to read either well with that.

Um the holiday...too bad you HAD to check her emails...couldn't wait til the holiday was over or mostly?

Do you see any element of sabotage there?

I thought vis a vis the marriage, The whole goal was to show her the positive changes in you and NONE of the negatives...for one week. Why did you have to "know" then & there? Just asking...

too late now, but still....odd act of yours to do at that time, imo.

Maybe a poor choice on my part. But the fact remains that she was being dishonest with me. I would never had another opportunity to check her email if I had not taken it when I did.

Bad in that it makes my W feel that I am controlling... okay, I accept that. But these are not ordinary circumstances either.

Good in that I learned a truth that has helped me to realize that I could not continue living the way that I was.


I totally agree you should go dim. OMG 100% certainty here...

Back off and give yourself an internal timeline, minimum of a month (I'd say 90 days to a "normal" person but you get obsessive with her so I'm trying to be real) of

My timeline is indefinite right now 25. Like I said above, I have absolutely zero interest in contacting or talking to my W until she figures out what she wants and what she is willing to do IF what she wants is our M.

I am swimming to the other shore. If I get there before W figures this out... then it is her loss. That is my timeline.

I will not be initiating contact unless it has to do with bills or SS.

I'm also done letting her think that I will jump anytime that she wants something. That is why I was waiting to reply to her texts the other night. I was not planning to ignore them completely.

BUT she gave me 2 hours to reply to her first text before she sent me the text message asking me if I was ignoring her. 2 HOURS. That is not a lot of time.

Them, she gave me 15 minutes from the time of her second text and her third text which was the rude one asking me if my attorney had told me not to talk to her.

Listen 25, the timing of W's text messages says a lot more than the texts themselves. She needed to know if she had mail at 4:30 p.m. on a FRIDAY evening? Highly unlikely.

She just had to have her mail at 10:45 p.m. on a Friday night?? HIGHLY unlikely.

This was W checking up on me or trying to draw me back in in some way... at least IMO. Maybe even baiting me into having some conversation about R or OW... who knows. But I don't think that the timing of these text messages was coincidental or completely random.




You're better than that.

Mind you, I am NOT referring to her midnight texts at the reunion (a separate Issue I'll address)

but the normal questions she asked about the garage and the glasses and the times you could easily have answered ONE text of hers,

and done it gracefully but briefly

and shown her COOL DETACHMENT without coming off as an a$$....

[quote=25yearsmlc]As for her midnight texts to you and the HS reunion comments...very very interesting.

You got her attention by NOT paying any attention to her. Hmm.

That's not a lesson for how to be married, but it MIGHT be a lesson for how to get her attention while separated.

I'd pursue the "mystery Denver man" thing more, and consistently.

Who knows 25. Again, I have to point to W's inconsistency with her actions and words... she shows jealousy one minute, but then tells me that she doesn't 'feel the same way' about me the next.

I'm just kind of tired of trying to figure it out.

I plan on being a complete mystery to W for the time being.

BTW-What was your goal in telling your w about the OW?

Am I wrong for feeling that it threatens the hell out of your w?

After all, she may lose the position of having ALL the power that she has held now for many months.

That will be an event for her. An unpleasant one. Perhaps a motivating one???

But I don't know how she'll handle it. But she's Not indifferent to what you do.

She has seemed pretty indifferent to what I am doing since her text messages on Friday.

My goal about telling W of OW was simply to be completely honest with her. I have asked her to be honest with me, so I felt that she deserved no less than what I had asked for.

W's power over the situation has been eroded if not completely lost. IMO, she has overplayed and taken advantage of the leverage that she has had over me for the past 6 months. I will no longer let her treat me the way that she has because I feel guilty over how I treated her during our M. Enough is enough. She now needs to decide whether or not she can forgive me, and if so, if she wants to be with me. I am willing to live with either at this point.

I agree with everything that you said regarding OW.

Thanks 25. Was beginning to think that I had frustrated you so much that you abandoned my thread! LOL... guess I wouldn't blame you.

Denver