Sorry, but you can't. I know of NO fixes beyond basic encouragement when the occasion arises, IF & when it does.
If they are girl haters, then I say good riddance. Your h's failure to see this is sad and pathetic and to that I also say, good riddance.
Who needs this pain?
When my h was gone, our d1 was 16 and said "I guess he doesn't want to be a part of my life..." I argued about h's confusion but she replied "I don't think he's confused. I think he's selfish"....
and later, "If he doesn't want to be part of my life, I'm not that interested in being in his."
GF, my h WAS SELFISH and maybe confused. He hurt her deeply and that has been my most challenging piece to forgive. By far.
At some level h knew this or something like it.
At Retrovaille in '08, we made some breakthroughs.
Then We were doing an exercise for describing emotions and fears using a metaphor.
The last morning he blurted out, in tears, (a RARE event for him) that he felt as if he was
a "well dressed man at the scene of a car wreck and he was the driver. The money was all gone. And All the passengers were injured and on life support and no one knew if they'd live."
This is when I realized that he had "gotten" it. But it's a rare event.
I suggested, AFTER WE RECONCILED
that he take d1 (now 22) to dinner one on one, at least monthly. He jumped at the suggestion and has visited her and calls her often. They are rebuilding.
Will it ever be the same? Doubtful. But it's better.
And she can heal. There will probably be a scar, but it won't be a sucking chest wound,
which is what your d and son have now.
My hope is that you bandage their wounds, stop the bleeding and protect them from further injuries. First, stop the pursuit of an r with him asap.
It only leads to rejection. If h wants a R with either child, he knows how to contact them. Period.
Accept that they won't have a decent R anytime soon with their dad. Son may never. Daughter may never.
H could die. Would they ever heal? Yes. How? By still having one parent they can count on for love/support
and that's more than many.
Create joyful, happy funny times together with or without h...
b/c you have No (healthy) choice.
Your only option is to be miserable and you know that's not alright.
Do I think you should file?
I think you should protect yourself legally & financially.
And merely b/c your h SAYS he'll come after your retirement if you don't show up, means nothing to me.
Meaningless words...who says he won't come after it anyhow?
And Who says he'll get it?
Your son has special needs I'd play UP (for legal purposes & obvoiusly without telling son), and your h makes more than you do...
what's your L say?
Also, I didn't get what you meant when you said your h "gets all filled up"
at the L meetings.
As for his family and their seemingly irrational hatred of you
Even if you are leaving out CHUNKS of information about what you did to incur such wrath
(not saying you are, but they are pretty damn odd if you did NOTHING bad in their eyes, til he left you...)
But regardless
their behavior is pretty over the top AND their response to your d's letter is too.
As I said, I do not go to dry wells twice, if I need water. You'll always be thirsty.
His family will never be a loving source of approval for your children. So don't seek it out.
It is what it is.
I have a brother whom I can imagine would bring up his latest real estate coup, within minutes of me telling him I had cancer ( if I did, which I don't.)
Last month when I had surgery and a biopsy for such a thing, I told ONLY my siblings/friends who could offer support. And I got it. Sometimes we don't get the support we clearly ask for, and we must soothe ourselves. This is an important life skill, a tool for happiness. Learn it, and then teach it to your children.
You are far too invested in what your h's family thinks of you to teach them this yet. So you need to address that within.
Long ago I realized my father's angry alcoholism had affected our family and that there were many who were in so much pain they could not be there for me at that time. This is not a reflection on ME.
Later in life, turns out we are generally all close to each other. Even the selfish brother means well in his own insecure way.
But my point is that I learned not to take their "rejection" personally. They are only so capable. Half the time it's not rejection but their own failure at support.
In theory, someone may even want to support you but doesn't know how. They never saw it in their lives so they don't know what it looks or feels like. That Doesn't change the fact that THEY are dry wells so you still cannot go there for your "water needs". Make sense?
Real life example...
Years ago my cousin's h was terminally ill and they had 5 children under the age of 12. They were in their late 20s, living in Australia, and her h was a lawyer. My aunt, (the cousin's mother), came out "to help" her d cope with the sick h and small kids.
But aunt has always been a self absorbed superficial woman who doesn't do well with long term problems. She wasn't a great mother either. Perhaps if my cousin's h died faster, she'd have been better.
But after a month or so, my aunt chose to leave her daughter with her sick h and five kids, to live with her other daughter, (a doctor married to a doctor and living in a small mansion.)
Nice, huh?
I asked my cousin how she felt when her own mother turned her down the in her darkest hour.
She said "TBH, we were better off without her 'help'". And she's right. (But talk about a PMA!!)
Her h died. Then a parish priest pressured/helped her go to law school herself.
She later became a champion for women's rights, and then she became a Governor. I'm serious. A freaking Governor of a territory. WTH??
Her kids & grandkids are grown up now, and they are all close to each other. They support each other well. Not so much their grandmother but they are close to THEMSELVES...they soothed themselves. She taught them how.
(Oh btw, the doctor/doctor family had 3 kids.
One is a hippie rebel whom they ignore, one is learning disabled living in a group home, whom they don't mention
and one is an MD, who they brag about. She tried to take her life 5 years ago...she is the "success story.")
The cousin who was "abandoned" did much better than the one who got the "support". Self support...a learned skill.
Your h is responsible for his actions.
His decision to stop taking ADs and to
continue Not taking them in the face of such a downward spiral, is HIS decision.
HIs family will never give you what you need. Therefore-
Help your kids see that "losing" contact with His family
is no loss at all....
It's a gain. A gain of peace and
a loss of crazy, negativity
I say, Embrace it!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
