Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[direction1]

Me either...definitely a work in progress, among other things.

[ESN]

Yeah, I guess it's just a concept I don't really understand. What does it look like? Smiling? Laughing out loud at nothing?

[~ kd ~]

Naw LG... It's staring in a mirror and yelling, "I CAN go to Italy!"

lol

[♪CS♪]

What I mean is BE happy without any reason

I will throw my twist on it. At least how it makes sense for me.

There is internal happiness. Perhaps called joy or peace.

And then there are external pleasures.

External pleasures are fine. Good food. Good people. Good wine. Tennis. Golf. Movies. Etc, etc, etc.

But all of the externals, have beginnings and ENDS.

So, if you attach your "happiness" to them, when they end, your happiness goes with it.

So, instead, develop internal peace, which is not bound by a beginning or end.

Then enjoy your external pleasures while they last. When they end. No worries. The peace never leaves.

[aeolianchaos]

So, instead, develop internal peace, which is not bound by a beginning or end.

Then enjoy your external pleasures while they last. When they end. No worries. The peace never leaves.

Nice. I think this is also how we develop the courage to change ourselves - when we realize that it's our internal well being that will matter most, ultimately. And its the one we can really control.


-----

W emailed me back at 1am "I dont know what I would talk about- I guess there's nothing really specific."

So.. weird. Totally out of my control. Although I did txt her today to see if she wanted some of our weekly veggies subscription (corn... I can't eat corn.. why did they include corn?) We'll see if she even responds. Seems like the past week or so there has been a little pulling away.

Might be the discomfort of Friday - moving her stuff and confronting that step of things. Guess I really can't know one way or the other unless I were to ask her. And what are the odds she would be honest or even necessarily know herself?

Followed up on a couple job apps. today.. sure would be nice to land one of those. Although the one I want the most, I suspect is not going to be hiring for another month or so because they are relocating to downtown. Grr.. I would really like to line something up so I can start looking for a new apartment. This one is going to feel very empty come Friday evening.

What exactly does one do in this kind of situation? Wait? Develop other kung fu styles?


Just got an e-mail from WAW:

I had a ton of errands to run- getting ready for Friend's visit. I'm going to yoga with another Friend in an hour or so-
I'll see you on Friday Morning....around 9, if thats ok with you.
Hope you had a nice day, it was beautiful out.

I don't know why this bugs me. I don't want it to bug me. I'm not dependent on her for my sense of self. At least, I'm working at being more independent from her.. logically I know I'm not.. it's impossible. But psychologically perhaps there is something there still. Or maybe its just sadness..

[ESN]

Aw, I get it Aeoli - I just got a similar email from BF.

It's weird - I guess for me, it's as if I'm the only one feeling sad. Like he's moved on and just wants "the best for me." I go, "oh, how nice of you."

I'm facing major consequences right now, seeing this hurt my daughter, seeing the impact.. IDK, there's something kind of shallow-feeling around it.

I can't put a finger on it, but just know I had the same feeling a minute ago reading BF's email myself. I do know what you mean.

[♪CS♪]

I don't know why this bugs me.

Yes you do.

You said it right afterwards. You won't find the answer "thinking logically." It is different than this. If you try to "think" your way out of this you will not find it.

[aeolianchaos]

And I screwed up again.

Not terrible, but I let myself get caught up in the whole dividing up of stuff thing. I feel like an idiot, now. I see her maybe 1x a week if that, almost no contact other than on the business end of dividing up property. And I screw up the little opportunity that I have to do something right. I honestly feel like I'm blowing it big time here.. I'm not raising my voice or getting particularly hostile, I'm just saying things I REALLY DON'T NEED TO SAY. Yet I say them, like a jacka$$.

First screwup - got on the subject of divvying stuff up and she starts pointing out little things here and there and I start talking about how I'm thinking about whats fair, not just who bought what. This got onto the f-ing bed thing again

M: "well I wouldn't have thrown out my old bed if I knew you were having an affair"

W: "I wasn't yet"

M: "You weren't in constant contact with him while we were moving out of (old state)?"

W: "I guess so.. but nothing had happened"

M: "Nothing physical."

W: "Yes, nothing physical"

M: "Alright.. look I'm sorry I brought that up, I really don't want to be throwing that in your face, or having you feel like it's going to be thrown in your face."

I don't remember what she said to that.


W at one point looked at me and says, "I'm sorry" I say, "for what?" and she says, "I just feel like I'm always saying I'm sorry" and I say, "well you say you're sorry but never what for or why"

She said: "I'm sorry because I'm leaving you and I know you don't want that"

M: "Yes.. it's heartbreaking, but my happiness isn't attached to what you do and I don't want you to feel forced to stay with me."

W: "You haven't tried to make me stay"

M: "Do you want me to?"

W: "I guess not.."

W: "I have to go.."

M: "I understand, see you tomorrow."

[aeolianchaos]

oy.

So i decided that I wanted to get WAW's stuff out of the bedroom and bookshelves before they come over tomorrow. I figure It will just make my life a lot easier if I'm they aren't plowing through everything on their own.

Of course, what do I run into along the way -- tons of wedding photos and photos of us before we got M. Lots of happy happy memories. Amazing how many there are - our nomadic lifestyle took us all over the place in the time we were together. 3 different provinces of canada, 22 different states that I can think of, and a nice time in paris. It is sad to think that those memories are just memories and not something that she would want to build anything new off of.

Of course, I also found my VOWs that I wrote for our wedding. I wrote good vows, and I think by and large, I kept it real. I wasn't always the greatest person, but I always saw the good in her and always wanted to create love in our lives together.

All of this is tough, but to be honest I don't feel much about it anymore - I guess because I have decided to be happy either way, and that even though this $hit is sad and heartbreaking, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who runs away and won't stop running.

Tomorrow, she or her friend is going to have to dig through the wreckage of those dreams and I am not sorry for them. I don't expect that anything will change from it - they may just as easily toss those photos as get sentimental. It isn't up to me, but I don't want them in my life at this point.

I've never been a big photo-album kind of guy, even though I like taking pictures. I am giving her all of the wedding photos (since her parents paid for the photographer) and most of the photo albums. I am going to keep the DVD-R from the photographer, in case I ever do get 'that feeling' but as far as I'm concerned - I don't want to have to relive the pleasure and pain of this loss repeatedly.

[♪CS♪]

So you tried blame and guilt again huh?

Has it worked before?

Maybe next time?