Im just going to give up.

[Rue]

i meant test results not text results. sorry

[AloneAt35]

Hi Rue,

Sorry to be absent from your thread for a few days. I'm so proud that you gathered the strength to endure your procedure alone. Yes, it is cruel; yes, it is horrific that he is on vacation with the OW while you suffer alone. None of this should be happening. You don't deserve to be going through this without your H. It is so unfair and you didn't cause this. Take in all of the love you can get from those around you right now. Yes, it is not the same as having our lifemates there to comfort us, but trust that people really do care about you.

My little nephew is in the hospital right now too. He was born with lymphedema and suffers severe cellulitis infections as a result. He was supposed to be visiting me right now, but instead he is facing kidney failure and weeks more treatment and recovery. It is hard not being able to turn to my Ex-P for comfort through the worry. He doesn't even know what is going on and I doubt he'd care if he found out because he is so preoccupied with OW. My nephews and Ex-P were very close. As soon as they learned to talk they would call him on the phone and would ignore me completely! He was a hero to them. Now they beg to talk to him but he refuses to take their calls. He told me I should tell them that he "has a new kid to take care of now": OW's child whom he has met exactly once.

Their grandmother tried to explain to them that "Ex-P has chosen not to be a member of our family right now," and my little 4-year old nephew said, "That's okay, because I'll still be HIS family right?" Then he got sad and asked "Why doesn't he want to be with us anymore?" One time he called me just to ask if I thought Ex-P ever missed us. Its so, so hard because I don't have answers to these questions other than to tell him that I will ALWAYS love him.

[Rue]

Hi Everyone, Ive been away from the board for awhile. Just trying to cope and make sense of everything. Dont think Ive gotten very far. I did get good news about my test results. The results were negative but I will be having some major surgery in the next month or so. Again its hard to go through these major events alone. I havent had much communication with H. Actually it was 2 weeks and then I asked him for some new insurance info and he pretty much told me he wouldnt do me any favors and drop what he was doing to help me get the info. He said some nasty things, which is not the person i have known for so long, sighting different things I HAVE DONE TO HIM lately. He sounded so bitter, and accusatory with his words. All this via texting. I couldnt just take what he said so I stood up for myself and told him what i thought. Maybe its not the right "approach" but i had to. It made me feel better for awhile then I felt quilty again. Today again i had to ask him about new health benefits (he switched jobs) and he sounded so angry again. Its like he lies to me, then I catch him in the lies and then he shuts up or doesnt respond to my responses to him. I just dont get it. How did I make this person so bitter, so angry, so unhappy? Its something I struggle with everyday. I know I hear from so many that its nothing I did but I feel I have a great part in it. I feel like I really have no meaning in his life anymore. NONE! As far as the D proceedings go, they really arent going anywhere. This is a man who filed in feb and wanted this finished this month. But he has done nothing to proceed with it. Just filed the papers thats it. No offer of a settlement or anything. He was acting strange a few weeks ago when he insisted he needed things out of our house so he decided to "come in" one day when i wasnt home. I showed up when he was here. He doesnt have a key to our house since the locks were changed. He was so cold, so distant and the things he wanted were so bizarre. But he needed them asap. I called the police because he was taking things out of the house that have not been agreed on. He surely didnt like that but I told him not to come and take the things, yet. Plus our granddaughter was visiting and I didnt want her to be put in the middle of anything or around when he was here. He disregarded my very friendly request. So thats about it. Still very confused, hurt, sad. Feel very betrayed. But still am having a hard time getting past this man. Thanks everyone for all your thoughts.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Rue it's so easy for your STBX to point the finger at you. Means he doesn't have to look at himself or take any responsibility for the things he's done, said or his own feelings or happiness.
You didn't make him bitter or unhappy. HE DID.
You don't have that kind of power. Don't take it on.
Yes you had a part in the disintegration of your M. Own what part you played in that and become a better person. Learn from it.
I know you want desperately for him to love you the way he used to, but Rue honestly he isn't even capable of loving himself, let alone anyone else.

His self loathing is obvious. He is so focused on that pain and self loathing that he really doesn't have any energy to spare to think how it's affecting you, he literally can't care.

See if you can find some compassion in your heart for him. He is lashing out at you because you're the one closest and the one that knows him best. He is in a great deal of pain and I know it's such a stretch to realize that when you're hurting so badly yourself.
That's why it's so important to take care of you, be good to you, and show compassion to yourself.

[Rue]

I do have compassion in my heart for him. I think thats parat of the problem. I care to much. I have told him this many times but it doesnt seem to matter. This is a man who has lied to me, lied to our children, his family, cheated numerous times but yet i cant let go. I want to. I dont know any other way than this way. My life with him and our kids. I am struggling everyday with this. How or what can I say to him? The OW lives out of state and he sees her a few times a month. Is that what he wants and needs and all he needs? I want to be angry with him because maybe that will help me move on. I have had moments of anger but then feel guilty and feel like he sees a person he would never want to be with again. My heart just simply aches constantly. I wish he would sit down with me and just talk. But I think if he does that he would maybe realize what he has lost. But the underlying factor is....is what people would think of him. He doesnt like people to think he has done anything wrong. If he ever decided to come back he would tell people around him (and thats not many people) that he HAD to for my sake so some stupid reason. He will never let people know he made a mistake. NEVER. He values what others think of him more than his own family. Sad i know. That alone should make me mad right? He has alway been that way. The great guy that everyone likes. But it was his family who suffered. He told me yesterday I never appreciated how he provided for me or our family. I have never spoken those words to him. But yet this is something he has conjured up in his mind. I do believe he is in a great deal of pain but he would never let anyone know it. He has never never never been one to lash out at anyone. So its so hard to comprehend that side of him. I wish this man would go to therapy. I pray he would. But its a no go. I wish i knew how to get him there. The strain of this on our children is immense. It hurts so bad to hear their feelings of him. They are so deeply hurt. My D told me yesterday not once has he attempted to even say he was sorry for what he has done. Not even tried. Instead he wants a relationship with his children to be like nothing has happened between us. They are adult children. They know whats going on. In fact my daughters are the ones who found out about the affair currently and the past ones. THey had to tell me about it. They confronted him about a past one and he said he would talk to them about it but never did. So this wasnt easy for them to tell their mom about what their dad was doing. I know he has done wrong. Very wrong. But this is to much to throw away. I believe he does have problems. Possibly some addictions. But he will never admit it. Instead he walks away. It was just easier for him i guess.

Thank you so much for your advice. I am trying but to be honest i am really struggling.

Hugs to you.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I wish this man would go to therapy. I pray he would. But its a no go. I wish i knew how to get him there. The strain of this on our children is immense. It hurts so bad to hear their feelings of him. They are so deeply hurt. My D told me yesterday not once has he attempted to even say he was sorry for what he has done. Not even tried. Instead he wants a relationship with his children to be like nothing has happened between us. They are adult children. They know whats going on.

Rue are you going to therapy? Are your kids?

I know from my own experience thus far, the healthier emotionally I become, the less STBX can hurt me.
Yes I still have bad days, but they are fewer between and I'm overall much happier than I have been in a very long while.

The more I focus on my emotional health,well being, and making my own happiness in the present, the more I realise that until STBX looks in the mirror, and deals with the old patterns of being and the old emotional pain that's driving his behaviour, there isn't going to be that much chance of a healthy relationship in the future.

Ultimately that's the only way we will be together in the end, both healthy and together, or apart while one is still back there struggling in the muck.

Right now Rue, to be baldly honest, you need to do what Brooklyn told me to do. Let him blow in the wind. You can't change him, his behaviour or his perceptions. That's in your H's and God's hands Rue.

The only thing you've got control over is how you respond ( not react unthinkingly), how you choose to perceive the situation, and how you take care of becoming emotionally mature, healthy and happy in the NOW for yourself. I sincerely hope you make the decision to focus on that.

[Rue]

Yes I am in therapy and so are my children. It does help me and I know it helps my kids. I just dont know why Im to blame for everything. He will not take any responsiblility. It eats at me. I know his life with the OW is based on lies. He would never tell her the truth of what has happened. How do you live with yourself? But it doesnt bother him obviously. He blames me that our kids want nothing to do with him. That I bash him to them. That is so far from the truth. He believes what he has conjurred up in his mind so he looks like the victum. How long does someone live like that. Apparentlly he has done this for awhile stating he hasnt been happy for 10 years. That is news to me. The man that lived in my house with me and my kids "appeared" to be a happy guy. He got caught. He doesnt know how to deal with being caught with OW. It will make him look bad to all the people who think he's the greatest guy. So denies doing anything wrong thats it was all me. Its so hard to move past that.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I suggest you look up the Drama triangle to understand how this dynamic works Rue.
I was blamed for a lot as well.
Understand, this is THEIR perception and not the truth. The truth is painful, so they avoid it. It allows them to pretend they're just fine so they don't have to look in the mirror and accept their bad behaviour or deal with the pain of not loving themselves.

It's NOT ABOUT YOU. Remember that. It really, really isn't.
You're a convenient excuse, a way to avoid the tough questions, a way to delay the realization that we are all responsible for our own feelings, our behaviour, and our own happiness.

It's something the OW can't give him except in a very temporary fashion the way a new car would. The new car smell will wear off and the high from the new woman will too, and then he'll be back wondering why he's unhappy with her!

Right now Rue, you're where I was and sometimes still am...being a victim. This is choice and you can choose to think of yourself as a strong and capable woman that doesn't need his sorry butt until he's got his head on straight.

This may never happen.
But by that time YOU will have created your own life, your own happiness and won't NEED him, but you will welcome someone who adds to your happiness but isn't your entire world.

I know this is hard Rue, but you like all of us will get there. ((((Rue))))

[Rue]

Hi, Havent been on here in several weeks. It seems like i was doing ok then I go backwards. I just need to let go of H. Its so hard. I think its pretty obvious he has let me go. Our conversations are minimal and only through texting. Nothing personal at all. I can sit here and think of all the lies, stories, cheating he has done to me but I just cant let go. I know no one deserves this. I just dont want anyone else to have the "GOOD" H i had for so many years. Is that wrong to think? H is still with OW. It is coming up on a year now. She does live out of state so maybe that is why it is still happening. I really believe she is just masking his hurt and is an escape for him. I wish I could make him see that it is possible to recover after affair. He would have to face to many people for that to happen so he chooses to just go on with the D. I wish he could feel miserable for atleast one day. Have the feeling of loneliness, sadness, hurt, being scared. I know thats not a nice thing to say or wish upon someone but I really think I could cope and deal with this better if I knew the OW was out of the picture. I keep hearing from everyone to move on. I wish it was as easy to do as it is to say. I dont want the marriage I had back that didnt have trust or communication. I do want the H back that was so loving, and kind and caring when we werent having the trust issues. He avoided conflict. Wanted no part of it. He would never argue when we needed to argue. I was always made to feel as the cold, unlovable spouse when issues came up. I really feel like Ive been punked for the last almost 30 years of marriage. How do you get through to someone before they throw it all away? I dont know if it is possible. The other day at my L office i was presented a settlement offer. I read it and cried. Really? This is what the man I gave my life to wants me to have. The bare minimum? All i could think of while i was reading the proposal was, "he really does hate me." I attend a support group meeting weekly and last week i completely fell apart during it. Sobbed like a baby. Please can someone chat back. THank you all.

[MrBond]

((Rue))

All I can say is to hang in there. You are an incredibly resilient woman of worth and your H is a fool for passing you up. You know and understand what's important in life. Go out and find something to take your mind off of it if possible. The pain does eventually go away.