And expect some cold shoulders from her as she'll withdraw.
She'll run, if you push her. So no more ultimatums unless you're really ready for either outcome.
You were dead on with this advice 25. In my enthusiasm I asked my wife if she would like to take the kids on a picnic on Saturday. I got an email from her at work saying:
"Hi That is great about you taking kids to the family thing! And I think no to saturday cause I dont want to give the kids false hope....."
I simply responded with "k"
She IS turning the cold shoulder. We knew this would happen.
Tonight I came home from work and the kids were all excited because "when mommy gets back from the gym, she is taking us to the drive in tonight to see the Smurfs movie". (without me?) What was I expecting... HAVE NO EXPECATIONS...THAT MEANS ZERO EXPECATIONS.
I am disappointed that I let myself believe that things might be turning around, when in fact that is not the case at all, or maybe I simply was expecting too much too soon. Patience is something I have always struggled with and definitely need to work on. it's one of your main 180s.
Also, to answer your other question, when she said the kids need to see their parents happy, I only thought happy together and didn't even consider happy apart.. Funny, I somehow just knew she meant as individuals and not together. Your expectations clouded your view of things.
I thought I could detach myself, but clearly, I still have very strong feelings for my W. I see little to no evidence of you Detaching...what do you see there?
That also taught me a lesson about my weakness In communication... I should have clarified that statement when she said it, instead I chose to believe what I wanted to hear. It's my own fault. So, that feels like a backslide. NO, Don't pressure her to clarify a statement like that...it's pressure again.
But I'm glad you see your own problems with communication, which earlier you globalized to all men and women. You gave men the "we're direct!" label and "Credited" women for being unclear, fuzzy, and holding long conversations
(which sounds like it's coming from a poor listener, but that's my FEMALE take on it...)
Anyhow- ASSUME she means the lesser of statements unless she is clear with words AND actions that she means more... so far, she IS being clear. Just not in the direction you want.
It really is true, we want most what is out of reach,
I need to figure out how I can work on my self esteem. .... GAL!! No more excuses about how fulfilling work is for that b/c it's not enough obviously.
PLUS it'd be a HUGE 180 for your w to see you go out without depending on her for transport.
As crappy as it sounds, I think it's a turn off for her, at some level, that you don't drive...maybe subconsciously. At any rate, we KNOW she feels pressured and pursued by you too much
and
SHE thinks you need to GAL more...what more do you want from her w/clarity?
I'm sure that is also affecting my dwindling PMA.....I know also too that I miss quality time with my wife. And quality time together as a family. That's more of the "want what is out of reach" philosophy of LACK...not PMA
I guess the other part that is making me feel insecure is that she is taking the kids all kinds of day trips and fun outings, places that I can't take them because I can't drive. Would it be better if she ignored them & was with OM? It is summertime after all...Don't make this ALL about you. Be happy for them. Well...try...
It almost feels like she is trying to win them over so that they would chose to be with her in a split vs me. Is she feeling guilty because she knows that she will split up the family? Or is this just paranoia? Or do I just see it that way because I am having a bad day. ALL of the above...^^^^...
isn't it possible she is showing them that even if you are not all together as a family, you can still have fun? Still be happy? It's an important lesson.
Try to reinforce it with your own activities with them and just you.
She is GALing much better than I am. I could never match her social calendar, nor do I want to. Well J1, the answer to this conflicting statement above is, GAL
...not that complicated. Stop making excuses like below.
Overcome your inertia. I think it's an underlying problem you've had in the m when it comes to changing yourself in areas that make you uncomfortable.
Newsflash...the uncomfortable changes are usually the ones we most need to make.
As I explained to her when we talked, I get out of the house 5 days a week and spend more waking hours at work, Than I do at home. I get my social life in at work, as I have fun all day with my co workers (and I do have a lot of fun,,, I'm the clown at the office and everyone is my friend). really? ...you sure you get "ALL the social life" you need at WORK??...that's why your self esteem is so low and your PMA is dwindling... Come on...
I think her perspective on going out will change when she starts going to work outside the home everyday... I guess we will see.
Good point^^^...btw, I am very glad you didn't go up to her and verbally "Forgive" her. See how UNhelpful that would have been? The more work you do on YOU and without expectation, the better a man you will be. That counts!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
