Not sure what state (province?) you're in, but given the prevalence of OM in your wife's history, are you considering having any sort of 'morality clause' added to your parenting plan?
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
I've not come across that in the info I have for my province, although I will talk to the L about it.
From what I understand at the moment, my W and OM have an agreement that they will not behave as a couple when our kids (I'm guessing or his) are around. Of course, I'm not even supposed to be privy of their R (W still lies, directly or through omission) even though only adultery is applicable and only regarding waiting period to file D.
Whenever my W and OM spend overnights / weekends with each other, I understand that my kids are elsewhere.
To give you a little insight into the stuff I've seen in my state (and will be including in my parenting plan), it basically lays out the terms under which a new relationship can be introduced to your children.
Mine will basically state that neither of us can introduce our son to a new bf/gf until we have been with that person for a year - and the clock doesn't start ticking until the divorce is final.
It will further state that neither of us may have overnight guests of the relationship sort while S7 is in the house until and unless we are married to them.
Both of these timeframes are in line with those recommended by family therapists who specialise in divorce.
I'm sure my H thinks I'm insisting on it to "punish" him and make things hard with his OW, but that's just indicative of the fog that he's in - I just want what's best for S7.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
and it's in line with my idea of leg sep and a time frame from that to D.
No, certainly not a punishment by any means. Personally, I think it would be good for me, as well. Because then it would be VERY clear that by the time it was "allowed" to introduce the kids to an OP, I'd be in the mind frame that it was actually real and "serious"...
Kaffe, It's good that you have a plan for your future. You can't put your life on hold forever while you wait for your W to decide what to do. You need to take control of your own future and not let her decisions control your destiny. Remember, It's about YOU and the kids, so you need to do what's best for you.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Just getting some things together here, found out that there's technically no such thing as leg sep in Canada, although it may be in my jurisdiction. I'll talk about it with my L, but this may just be a process of legal, financial dissolution as a step to filing D.
Anyhow, regardless...
Again, this is stuff I'll run past my L, but here's the premise:
I've run some rough numbers and based on assets (not taking into consideration spousal or child support), the "money offer" my W made is only about 1/3 (worst) to 1/2 of what the final numbers might show. Spousal and child support could add as much as an additional 80% to the asset numbers, as a "bulk payout" amount (as opposed to a monthly disbursement over a period of years).
Her current offer is at least better than the initial 1/4 she offered earlier.
I had NO idea where we might be at because I wasn't interested in going there at the time. Now that I've committed to moving forward, I did a "reality check" to see if taking her current offer might be worth it...
As I mentioned, I will be running this by my L as well as how to broach the subject with my W, who will be coming back from a 2 week vacay (camp) with the kids.
My knee jerk (raw and not at all refined, I'm typing and posting as I'm formulating, and would certainly refine regardless) approach I expect to do by email, to protect myself from what is most likely going to be an absolute, over the top reaction by my W:
"W,
I have met with my Lawyer and we ran some rough numbers on financial dissolution.
As you may be aware, your offer of $X is only 1/3 to 1/2 of what we believe is a fair split, in accordance with the law.
I understand you do not wish to have our situation dragged through the courts, for financial reasons. If we have to go through the courts, it will require complete transparency of all financials, likely for a period of the past two years as well as current year, perhaps even longer back.
Please advise how you came up with the amount you're offering and we can discuss a more appropriate amount.
I would like to get this completed as swiftly as possible so we can move forward in our lives.
KD"
The reasoning behind this is because my W is "threatening" me that going to court, I'll "likely be disappointed with the results" as my W states it.
And, she's holding this offer amount over my head (expecting me to be desperate and greedy for instant gratification) as an amount I MUST sign off on and waive all future pursuit for financial compensation.
I think she's also trying to use this as leverage against access to the kids, but I can't mind read... but every "money" conversation is entangled in "custody" conversation, by direction of my W. Very difficult to get my W to speak separately on the two items.
as an example, market value of our home almost doubled from our purchase price while our mortgage (should not have) changed much, although I know there were some adjustments over the years... nothing to offset the gain, though...
all things considered, my W's numbers did not include capital gains or alternately they did include capital gains but included no other assets (such as savings, rsp, vehicle, household items, etc)...
The conversation about the lawyer will be specifically about the pros and cons. Maybe I just choose to take the buyout, or maybe coerce W to be more "fair", or immediately file for interim order...
Something HAS to give... this needs to start happening... just doing due diligence to look at options...
the letter is certainly based on an assumption that the L agrees there may be something more... so yes, cart ahead of horse, just putting it out there... setting up alternate plans...
I might just walk out of there and send a quick email to W saying, "where do I sign off on the financials?"
It isn't a trivial amount. Personally, I don't care. My "supporters" chastised me because as far as I was concerned, I was ready to wash my hands of the financials and walk away, I was only concerned about custody and access to the kids...
My mind is... now clearer on what that might look like... and my current ability to financially support the kids while they are with me...
on the other part, and this is the non-trivial amount, my W and her side of the family appear to have this belief that kids should learn the value of paying for their higher education themselves...
While I certainly see the value of that, I am more of the mindset that they can pay back the loan, if they need to get that value. But in the mean time, the way my W appears to be spending money right now, there'll be nothing to put away for their higher education... something that I believe is a given to provide for them... at least the option if they choose it...
and if it's not used for education, or whatever's left... can be wedding dowry, or starter apartment or home... whatever...
So for the now, it's a big decision to sign... or "guess" whether it's worth to pressure or proceed to court...
