As it gets closer to Saturday, I get more anxious of returning home. I'm not one to run from my problems, h3ll I usually don't even want to, but I don't look forward to going back to LA and dealing with w.
I don't want the D but it seems that I will be the one making it happen if I want to be fair to myself. It's been a week and my w still hasn't responded to my email that she said she would. It was options of how to handle our savings account. I asked her to confirm that what we talked about on the phone actually happened since we don't have lawyers. I wish I could trust her but her actions are showing me that she doesn't even consider my feelings or what I am entitled to (she even admitted it). Based on our current situation, she has more than 50% of our assets. I just want it to be fair. It seems that only way that can happen is if I do it myself. To push this d forward so I can guarantee I get what I worked hard for.
I don't look forward to presenting it to her because of how she will react. I don't look forward to her being cold and angry. She has feelings of entitlement. She mentioned that she doesn't want to start resenting me (as if I had any control over it). I don't look forward to the emotional abuse that will follow. I don't look forward to dealing with the woman she has decided to be throughout this process.
I am scared that I will not have the strength to handle this the way I want. I am trying to be loving and fair, but to be supportive of myself. To stop the abuse. To stop the codependency. I am angry that she is treating me this way, I am angry she is still trying to abuse me even though she WANTS out of the marriage. I am confused how someone in a 12 step program would be so cold and uncaring.. especially if they are changing that about themselves.
But this is not in my hands. This is in God's hands now. It is not my place to judge, or even understand why this has happened to me. I know she is angry and I would be more than happy to listen, but this is her life now. I will live mine and trust in God has his ability to touch lives. He has touched mine and I have to trust that he is working so hard in me.. because he believes/loves me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
