I think you're right, 25. That sentence that I wrote seemed kind of contradictory... I'm really trying to work on doing my own thing and finding other avenues of both happiness and self-esteem. I still obsess about my W in many ways -- I pray about the matter a lot, I write a lot, I visit the DB forums many times during the day, and I do a lot of web research in my spare time. I'm trying to work in other things -- focusing on work, exercise, my fiction writing, catching up on old TV shows, and generally taking care of business. But I feel like there's more I could do.
I will do as you say and look up info on adult children of alcoholics. Is there a specific book or just looking through websites in general? I have no doubt that growing up in my household really messed me up in various ways. I was not a normal child or teenager by any means, and it was only after I met my W that I worked through a lot of those issues in a positive way. Perhaps that's why I feel so dependent on her -- she helped me get out of some really bad behaviors and thought patterns.
In addition, I grew up feeling very cold and detached from others. No intimacy with anyone whatsoever, not a whole lot of love; I lived in many ways in my own private world. My W was the first person that I opened up to, and when I did, I opened up entirely. I still don't share an intimate connection with anyone else on that level. I'm more intimate with my family and friends as a result, but still, nothing has come close to her. On the same token, I don't think that my W has shared that kind of connection with anyone else, either. When the A first started going on (she had only shared a kiss with OM at the time), she told me that I was the only one who knew the "real her"....
