Here's a question for the daters out there. It's been decades since I last dated, and my best friend tells me some of my problems in my dating life now arise from my 1970's approach to it.
So - although I realize each situation is different - I'm curious to know what each of you think is the "right" amount of time to date before sleeping with someone? That is - assuming I really like a guy - how long do I have to wait to ensure that A) he'll take me seriously and B) he won't turn out to be a flake? Is there some "rule" out there now? (A guy friend of mine mentioned some new "ten date" rule?)
I'm just trying to figure out what other people's expectations are.
3 dates! Are you kidding me?? No way, no how, I don't care what decade we are in. Maybe 3 months is more like it. What is the rush? Get to know each other. No wonder we have become a throw away society!!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Not waiting long enough. I came of age in the hippie free-love era before AIDS lol.
I thought I was doing well with this last guy, waited three dates, he seemed real sincere. But now that it's a month later and he seems to be flaking on me, I'm thinking I was just a booty call after all and maybe I didn't wait long enough.
Does sex mean that much that we aren't willing to get to really know someone? Now if you had been friends for a while and then started dating I could see it but for some one you just started dating?? I can tell you, a marriage isn't all about sex and sex isn't the answer to the problems that come up. You need to know each other and be able to talk and compromise as necessary.
Sex is the icing on the cake. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
The divorce rebuilding class I've been a part of added a session last year on sex and emotional intimacy.
Basically, they said there are five levels of emotional intimacy and a marriage truly won't be happy unless you reach the fifth level.
They said that emotional intimacy stops at whatever level you sleep with each other. Once you have sex, the relationship becomes about the sex.
It made sense to me. I looked at the chart and figured XW slept with each other between levels 1 and 2 and today I keep finding out things she never shared with me. I really don't know her at all.
So, in a way we were doomed from the start. Of course, basically they were saying, hey, next time around try to wait until you are married to have sex.
I do know I had a fling back in December and had sex on the first and second dates. There was no third date. I didn't want one. Maybe there was no thrill of the chase or I didn't respect her.
From a guy's perspective, three dates seems too easy. I really want to find someone that I like so much that I want to be with them even without sex.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
From a guy's perspective, three dates seems too easy.
Hmmmmmm....really? Do you other guys out there agree? How many dates is NOT too easy?
Now - on the other hand - if I went out with a guy for three months without having sex - and he was still around - I'd be worried his sex drive was way too low for me. Or that I might be disappointed once we had sex, and then I would have wasted three months!
I don't remember if you have kids and how old they are kml, but I don't think in my situation I would even be going out for 3 dates a week. I have my kids about 90% of the time. I also don't kiss on the first date. I want to know someone before I sleep with them. I have only had sex with 2 guys, the last being my former husband.
If a guy was fine waiting a while as we got to know each other, I would think I had found a great guy. Maybe we are looking for two different things...I prefer relationships to simply dating. Neither choice is wrong.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
My kids are grown and out of the house. I'm not looking to get married again but I would like a steady boyfriend. Not interested in juggling multiple partners. My ideal would be a guy who I see a couple of times a week, who calls or texts every day or two, who has his own life and isn't upset when I'm busy with mine, but with whom I can share what's going on in our lives. And who has a similarly strong drive
I am a guy and I would prefer to spend time getting to know the person first. A nice steady progression of the relationship is important to me. Get to really know the person before bringing sex into the relationship. You can't do that on three dates, but you certainly can after several spaced over a couple of months.
And I was accustomed to having the icing off of the cake 2-3 times a week for 26 years.